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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1261
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Governmentium: New element discovered

    Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
    science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
    assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
    neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
    are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
    peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it
    can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
    into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
    that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to
    four years to complete.


    Governmentium has a nor mal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not
    decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
    the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
    Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
    reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
    isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
    to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
    critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
    critical morass.


    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
    element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
    has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

  2. #1262
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;3229553;
    The Dyslexic Rabbi

    Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

    A: He walks around saying, "Yo."
    OY Vey!


    Quote Originally Posted by Rattus;3229594;
    Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.

    "Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."

    "Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"

    "I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"
    *groaning* chuckle**



    Quote Originally Posted by dagwood;3229753;
    Governmentium: New element discovered

    Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
    science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
    assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
    neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
    are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
    peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it
    can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
    into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
    that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to
    four years to complete.


    Governmentium has a nor mal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not
    decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
    the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
    Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
    reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
    isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
    to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
    critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
    critical morass.


    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
    element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
    has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
    Cute *snort*giggle*
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  3. #1263
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I like that one Dagwood..
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  4. #1264
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ladies Verses Real Women

    Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
    cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
    salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

    Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
    damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made
    it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
    _____

    Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
    your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
    might still have the headache, but who cares?
    _____

    Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
    to prevent ice cream drips.

    Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
    for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
    feet up, eating it anyway.
    _____

    Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
    the potatoes.

    Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
    up to a year.
    _____

    Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
    bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
    on the inside of the cake.

    Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
    _____

    Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
    yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing
    egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
    _____

    Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
    dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
    jars easy.

    Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
    _____

    And finally the most important tip!.....

    Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
    for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    Real Women - Leftover wine??

  5. #1265
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Yup! I'm a real woman (except for the instant potatoes).
    Count your blessings!

  6. #1266
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter;3237340;
    Yup! I'm a real woman (except for the instant potatoes).
    I even use instant potatoes occasionally, but my husband would rather I stayed away from any cute guys who happen to live next door.

  7. #1267
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

    1) Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

    2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo > Magazine.

    3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

    4) Leave a note on your door that reads:

    Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
    I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all 4 of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
    Cooter

  8. #1268
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Six Truths of Life


    1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

    2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

    3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

    4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

    5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

    6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

    I apologize for this. I'm an idiot, and I needed company.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #1269
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Funnies

    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
    ______________________________ __

    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
    ___________________________ _____

    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, and I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
    ______________________________ __

    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you!No, thank you!
    ______________________________ __

    My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I hada hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company. After a pause, the adjuster asked, 'Do you let him drive often?'
    ______________________________ __

    One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear Factor.'

    ------------------------------------
    My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten- year-old niece answered the phone 'Hello,' she whispered. 'Hi, honey. How's your mother?' I asked. 'She's sleeping,' she answered, again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine,' my niece said softly. 'Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?' Again in a soft whisper, she answered, 'Practicing my trumpet.'

    -----------------------------------

    On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,' said another. 'No, me,' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, 'Their mother is.'
    -----------------------------------

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
    ______________________________ __

    Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
    ______________________________ __

    Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'
    ______________________________ __

    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
    ______________________________ __

    Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons,I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. 'Hey, Jermon,' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chili.' Struggling to be polite, he said, 'If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it.'
    ______________________________ __

    My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you like,' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'
    ______________________________ __

    For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grand-mother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'
    Last edited by misskitty; 11-22-2008 at 05:16 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1270
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A 5 Year Old's First Job

    Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

    'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

    The little girl replied, 'I will, if those guys at Home Depot ever deliver the #($#&&#* Gyprock...'

    Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
    Last edited by misskitty; 11-22-2008 at 05:17 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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