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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1241
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by queenb;3221025;
    misskitty, if we do recognize most of those words and even use about a quarter of them, does that mean we are s?
    No. It means you have a good grasp of the English language and are able to use the words in sentences to confuse your friends!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1242
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Wow......how deep are these thoughts......and unfortunately.....how true!!!


    BEFORE YOU VOTE, CONSIDER THESE 'WORDS FROM THE WISE!
    ============================== ==================


    "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
    -Mark Twain

    Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
    -Mark Twain

    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    -Winston Churchill

    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    -George Bernard Shaw

    A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, and a debt which he proposes to pay off with your money.
    -G Gordon Liddy

    Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
    -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
    -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
    -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
    -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

    Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving subsidize it.
    -Ronald Reagan (1986)

    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
    -Will Rogers

    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
    -P.J. O'Rourke

    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
    -Voltaire (1764)

    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
    -Pericles (430 B.C.)

    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
    -Mark Twain (1866)

    Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
    -Unknown

    The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    -Ronald Reagan

    The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
    -Winston Churchill

    The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
    -Mark Twain

    The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
    -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
    -Mark Twain

    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
    -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

    A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
    -Thomas Jefferson
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1243
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Those who seek power should not be given power--Newf
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  4. #1244
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A Scary Halloween Tale

    Halloween is coming!



    A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

    when behind him he hears:


    Bump...




    BUMP...




    BUMP...





    Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
    of
    an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
    him.




    BUMP...





    BUMP...





    BUMP...






    Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
    quickly behind him





    FASTER...





    FASTER...






    BUMP...







    BUMP...




    BUMP...





    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
    in,
    slams and locks the door behind him.








    However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
    clapping










    clappity-BUMP...




    clappity-BUMP...






    clappity-BUMP...





    on his heels, the terrified man runs.





    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
    is
    pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



    With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









    Bumping and clapping toward him.





    The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
    is
    a bottle of cough syrup!









    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
















    and,







    (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





    The coffin stops .
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #1245
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Shame, Shay!
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  6. #1246
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Here's a Hallowe'en friendly joke I remember reading in one of my uncle's Playboy magazines in 1968:

    Susan the city gal and Bubba the country bumpkin were on a date and decided to walk home through the cemetary. The moon is down, the sky is dark and all around shrubberies rustle, bats fly and owls hoot. Bubba asks Susan "eerie, ain't it?" "Yes, isn't it" she replies. They walk some more and Bubba asks "scary, ain't it?" "Yes, isn't it" she returns. A bit further and he come out with "creepy, ain't it?" "Yes, isn't it" is the response. As they reach the centre of the cemetary Bubba asks "gruesome, ain't it?". "Yes, hasn't it".
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  7. #1247
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    **groan**

  8. #1248
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    *sigh*
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  9. #1249
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    *eek!*

  10. #1250
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Yeah, sorry. I don't know why this silly Playboy joke (along with one incorporating the term 'Grand Prix") has stuck in my head for forty years, but there it is. I also don't know why I keep spelling "cemetery" incorrectly.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

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