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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1231
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Baked Beans
    One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans!
    All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


    Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
    'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'


    He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold , the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

    The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.


    Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

    Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

    The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


    My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taki ng so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


    At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


    I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. #1232
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That story demonstrates one of the differences between men and women. A man would brag about it for years
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  3. #1233
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The love story of Ralph and Edna...



    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.



    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.



    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.



    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

  4. #1234
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #1235
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hopefully this won't offend anyone.......

    An atheist was walking through the woods.
    'What majestic trees'!
    'What powerful rivers'!
    'What beautiful animals'!
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

    He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
    The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
    'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #1236
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Thanks for the laughs, Bama...I think I'm going print out the donkey one!
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  7. #1237
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Here are some words you can insert into your vocabularly while talking on the phone. These help you to make your conversation more colorful and interseting and will amaze your friends

    The Shaw Emergency WORDENATOR

    gregarious - social

    gewgaw - trinketry

    brouhaha - an uproar

    cantankerous - grumpy

    logorhea - talkativeness

    funambulist - acrobat

    osculate - to kiss

    quidnunc - gossiper

    rhinorrhea - runny nose

    undulate - wobble

    multifariuos - varied

    sycophant - brown-noser

    qameliorate - improve

    capacetic - fine, good

    acicular - needlelike

    picayune - trivial

    flection - a bend

    loquacious - talkative

    alacrity - eagerness

    craggy - rought, uneven
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #1238
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    misskitty, if we do recognize most of those words and even use about a quarter of them, does that mean we are s?
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  9. #1239
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    So does that make the New Orleans Times-Picayune Newspaper the New Orleans Times-Trivial?
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #1240
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I got this in my email today.


    A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.

    The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$ holes.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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