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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1221
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;3209809;
    Sooo glad i wasn't drinking anything while reading these.
    i've learned to swallow completely BEFORE i open this thread.

  2. #1222
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I love the potato sack method of weight training!
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

  3. #1223
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    New Treatment for Sunburn

    A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

    The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

  4. #1224
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies


    Oh, my ... (wipes tears from eyes)
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

  5. #1225
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

    Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
    He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

    At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

    As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
    Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
    Free your heart from hatred
    Free your mind from worries
    Live simply and appreciate what you have.
    Give more.
    Expect less

    NOW ............

    Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
    The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

    MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

    When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #1226
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies









    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #1227
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Yeah, I'm going thru my email

    Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

    Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass '.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #1228
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That is so funny!! You should clean out your e-mail more often...

  9. #1229
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

    The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

    After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.

    Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

    The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

    "Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.

    The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

    "Batteries?" cried the wife..

    "Yes!" he replied.

    "She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1230
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh, misskitty, I should have seen that one coming a mile away!
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

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