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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1211
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;3198375;
    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

    It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

    The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

    'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?

    The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'



    This has me as that's my son's name and it sounds exactly like something he would have said at that age.
    CYA

  2. #1212
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
    has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
    differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
    masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
    to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear
    lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

    No further studies are expected.

  3. #1213
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father
    > sat him down for a little chat.
    >
    > He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
    > honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them t o your mother,and said,
    > 'Here - try these on.'
    >
    > She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
    > I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
    > 'Ever since that night we've never had any problems.'
    >
    > 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
    > honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'
    > She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
    > Mike said, 'Exact ly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
    > I don't want you to ever forget that.'
    >
    > Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
    > 'Here - you try on mine.'
    >
    > He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'
    > Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you
    > never will.'
    >
    > And they lived happily ever after.

  4. #1214
    FORT Fogey razorbacker's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    In the spirit of what's happening on Wall Street I thought this was funny:


  5. #1215
    FORT Fogey BoBoFan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I have a nasty attitude toward men these days... I can't wait to try some of these out!

    Pick-up Lines and Replies... LOL

    HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

    HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
    SHE: Okay, get out!

    HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Hiding from you.

    HE: I think I could make you very happy.
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

    HE: Hi, Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

    HE: Can I buy you a drink?
    SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

    HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
    SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

    HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
    SHE: I must've been given your share.

    HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
    SHE: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

    HE: Can I have your name?
    SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

    HE: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
    SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    HE: Is this seat empty?
    SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

    HE: Hey Baby, what's your sign?
    SHE: Do Not Enter!

  6. #1216
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I like the last one!

  7. #1217
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Leroy and L'Quiesha go to a revival and listen to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

    The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

    After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"


    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #1218
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Exercise for people over 50

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm currently at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

  9. #1219
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sooo glad i wasn't drinking anything while reading these.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  10. #1220
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I loved the sack joke!

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