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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #111
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Sam was tired of living in the city and decided he wanted to move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He bought some property out in a small town and went to the local hatchery to buy some baby chicks. He bought 6 dozen chicks and left.
    The next day he returned to the hatchery to buy another 6 dozen chicks. Sam told the man at the hatchery they had died and he had to replace them. Concerned that he might have some sick chickens, he asked Sam what happened. Sam replied " I either planted 'em too deep or too close together."

  2. #112
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Unexplained, that is sooo funny! I guess that's why they call pigs "dirty animals"

  3. #113
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    UnkelScott, how sad for the chicks. I hope that person doesn't try to plant his seed to reproduce! Isn't that what they call "sowing his wild oats?":

  4. #114
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...."

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

    If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

    If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  5. #115
    FORT Fan punkish's Avatar
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    okay, heres one my freind emailed me with:



    Should children witness childbirth?

    Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3
    year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
    see
    while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she
    was asked.

    Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
    bottom.

    Connor began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the
    wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
    witnessed.

    Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
    the first place. Smack him again."


    "I like children - fried."
    W.C. Fields.

    !~*Beckster*~!

  6. #116
    I need to get out more bloonman's Avatar
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    Hello, everybody!
    Funny jokes, people.

    Here's a fun one that's also true.

    On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

    But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

    Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

    In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbors' yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

    As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

    "I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

  7. #117
    FORT Fan punkish's Avatar
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    lmao!

    In the human body, which organ is in charge?

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

    The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

    "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

    The moral of the story?

    You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
    "I like children - fried."
    W.C. Fields.

    !~*Beckster*~!

  8. #118
    FORT Fan punkish's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=punkish]After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said, “Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”
    The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.” At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

    An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”
    "I like children - fried."
    W.C. Fields.

    !~*Beckster*~!

  9. #119
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Bloony, yours is hilarious. Good ones, punkish.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  10. #120
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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    Oh God!

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

    "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

    As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear closing on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

    At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"

    Just then, time stopped. The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving.

    A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now you expect Me to help you? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years - but could you make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the Voice.

    As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued again, the bear put his paw down.

    Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, I thank thee for this food, which I am about to receive."

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