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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1181
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    "Hey wait. I could have Clay Aiken."
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  2. #1182
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    barefoot, yes, he can do the voice and will on occasion, but he has to rest his voice. And for some reason, when he's mad at me, he won't do "peanut" for me.

  3. #1183
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by nilesgirl;3141063;
    "Jef-fah Dun-haaaam" I loved it!
    and "sa-nata-a-na"

    and "i will never blink!"

    all this talk about him made me go watch it again. i've probably watched it a hundred times and it still cracks me up every time!

  4. #1184
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    "Haaaaaam. You're the other white meat." LOVE it!
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  5. #1185
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    hahaha, i just found achmed doing some xmas stuff ... search for "Achmed Jingle Bombs". i've never seen this clip ... hilarious!

  6. #1186
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Q. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

    A. They all have phones.

  7. #1187
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

    A nurse noticed his predicament.

    Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
    Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

    Who would know if he touched them?

    He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

    Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

    When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    He pushed the ATR button and the next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

    'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

    The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

    MEN NEVER LISTEN

  8. #1188
    addicted MamaC's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Got this in an email and thought it was funny....and timely!

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.................





    So I took her to the gas station.

  9. #1189
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

    & Law of Mechanical Repair
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
    & Law of Gravity
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
    & Law of Probability
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
    & Law of Random Numbers
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
    & Law of the Alibi
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
    & Variation Law
    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
    & Law of the Bath
    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
    & Law of Close Encounter s
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
    & Law of the Result
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
    &Law of Biomechanics
    T he severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
    & Law of the Theater
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
    & The Starbucks Law
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
    & Murphy's Law of Lockers
    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
    < FONT face=Wingdings color=red size=4>& Law of Physical Surfaces
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
    & Law of Logical Argument
    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
    & Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
    & Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    & Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they w ill stop making it.
    & Doctors' Law
    If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doct or, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

    & Good Food Law

    The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

  10. #1190
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Eve's side of the story...

    After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how
    is everything going?' inquired God.

    'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are
    breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
    just one problem.

    It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
    out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
    branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

    And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
    in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only
    two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

    'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this,
    you
    know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only
    half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
    away.'

    And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
    bushes.

    Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
    'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

    'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the
    animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
    the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

    God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How
    could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
    create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put the useless
    boob?'

    Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
    Count your blessings!

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