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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1171
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

    When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ginnie.

    Since I am about to retire , it has become necessary for Ginnie to get a part-time job along with her full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need.

    Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Lake or golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
    Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

    I generally have lunch at the Diner by the Lake or in the club house, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is her complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard or washing the car. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Ginnie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can get as they get older.

    However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    Sincerely,
    Jim

    EDITOR'S NOTE:

    Jim died suddenly on May 20th, of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a St. Croix 6' heavy action extra fast tip, and a 9 iron jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

    His wife Ginnie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 5 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his Fishing rod, causing him to jump up and land on his 9 iron in much the same fashion.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #1172
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    too funny.
    If you want a good laugh and you can handle "dark, somewhat off color" humor, go to youtube and do a search for Jeff Dunham- Achmed the Dead Terrorist. You have to sit through the entire act (I think it's only about 2 minutes or so). But it is very funny. It's a little off color and may be offensive to some but I think he did this in a way that even people the act may have seemed to be targeting would find it humorous.
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  3. #1173
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i LOOOOOOOVE jeff dunham!!! i've got two of his dvds and he's the best! my favorite characters of his are achmed, walter, and peanut.

  4. #1174
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    My youngest son can do Peanut to a "t"-it always cracks me up!

  5. #1175
    FORT Fogey srs_in_Oregon's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked:
    'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

    The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
    number?'

    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay,
    Room 302.'

    The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her
    nurse.'

    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I
    have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
    Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal,
    and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on
    Tuesday.'

    The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
    God bless you for the good news.'

    The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

    The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything~lol
    Clay Aiken "when everyones working on it change isnt impossible, its inevetible"

  6. #1176
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by famita;3140434;
    My youngest son can do Peanut to a "t"-it always cracks me up!
    i bet that's awesome!!! can he do the high pitched squeaky voice too?

    walter reminds me of a guy i used to work. he was 60+ and complained about his wife just like walter. freaking hilarious

  7. #1177
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by famita;3140434;
    My youngest son can do Peanut to a "t"-it always cracks me up!
    "Jef-fah Dun-haaaam" I loved it!
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  8. #1178
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by nilesgirl;3141063;
    "Jef-fah Dun-haaaam" I loved it!
    hehehehe

    he did a show about an hour from me back in april ... i wanted to go so bad, but i just didn't have the cash at the time

  9. #1179
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I've actually watched all the puppets now and the only one I didn't really care for was "Sweet Daddy D". I loved Bubba J, though. Kind of sounded like the tractor in the movie "Cars". Melvin was pretty good. Walter cracked me up. Umm...I guess that covers all of them. Melvin, Bubba J, Sweet Daddy D, Walter, Peanut and Achmed.
    So to end tonight I give you this:
    "Hellooooo. I am Lindsay Lohaaaaan."
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  10. #1180
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i agree with ya ... i hated the sweet daddy d too
    love achmed's comment about clay aiken

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