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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1161
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
    CYA

  2. #1162
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1163
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Think the future mom-in-law is bitter....

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #1164
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OMG!!! That is hilarious!!! I have a friend I could see sending that out!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I laughed 'til I cried!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #1165
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That is just hysterical!! I am laughing my off!!

  6. #1166
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama, that's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!!!
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  7. #1167
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama:
    ---------------------
    Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

    Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
    -----------------

    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
    girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
    middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
    take her eyes off of him.

    The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
    directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
    apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
    'I'll do anything, absolutely anything , that you want me to do, no
    matter how kinky, for $20.00................on one condition'

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
    'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
    removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
    along with her Address.

    She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
    said..............



    'Clean my house.'
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #1168
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    In the nursing home one evening, the old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

    The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

    The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

    The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

    "Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair."

  9. #1169
    MRD
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I love Dave Barry. Most of these are so good, that I can't really say which one is my favorite.

    16 Things it took me 50 years to learn
    By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist



    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
    on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
    has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word
    would be 'meetings.'

    3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

    4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
    want you to share yours with them.

    5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    7. Never lick a steak knife.

    8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
    reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
    that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
    from her at that moment.

    11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
    make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
    gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
    down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

    13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice
    person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

    14. Your friends love you anyway.

    15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
    built the Ark. A large group of professionals b uilt the Titanic.

    16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
    women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
    acceptable to have dinner with.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #1170
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MRD: Those are fabulous!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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