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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1151
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

    The correct answer is:
    Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

    This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


    2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

    Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?

    Wrong answer.

    Correct answer:
    Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

    This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

    Correct answer: the elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

    This tests your memory.

    Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance.


    4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

    Correct answer: you jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting.

    This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brain of a four-year-old.


    Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1152
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh, that's a good one, misskitty!

    It reminds me of this one "riddle" I got when I was a little kid. I was so mad when I saw the answer, after the time I spent trying to figure it out!

    Q: How do you fit one horse into eight boxes?
    A:
    Click to see Spoiler:
    [O][N][E][H][O][R][S][E]
    2003-2008.

  3. #1153
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    As a Harley lover...I found this one funny....

    A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says 'Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?'

    'NO!' says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

    The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says 'Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.'

    'NO!' said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

    The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says 'Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.'

    At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily

    'Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda instead of the Harley, so YOU ride it!'
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #1154
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Subject: Male vs Female at ATM

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
    ****************************** *

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    ****************************** *

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.!
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #1155
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Three guys decide to drop an apple, water-balloon, and a bomb out of a plane... They go and look for them.

    They see a little boy crying, They ask "Why are you crying?" He said "An apple fell on my head."

    They see a little girl who is crying "Why are you crying?" "A water-balloon dropped on my head."

    They see a little old lady laughing her head off. "Why are you laughing?" She replied, "I farted, and my house blew up."
    2003-2008.

  6. #1156
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    In honor of George Carlin - some of his jokes G-rated enough for this site... Rest in peace, Mr. Carlin.


    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

    You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

    I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


    May he rest in peace - we'll miss you, George!

  7. #1157
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Margaritaville;3075448;
    In honor of George Carlin - some of his jokes G-rated enough for this site... Rest in peace, Mr. Carlin.


    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

    Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


    What was the best thing before sliced bread?



    ]
    these were definetly my favorites
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  8. #1158
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This may be an oldie, but I hadn't heard it before and it made me chuckle: A new abbot took over a monastary where the monks spent hours hand-copying and embellishing religious texts. He noticed they were copying copies and wanted to see the original documents locked away in vaults in the basement. After pouring over them for days a monk found him sobbing over one book. When asked what was the matter, he said, "It says 'celebrate' not 'celebate'!"
    Count your blessings!

  9. #1159
    Nicole FTW! Shelton's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Q: What's the difference between roast beef and Pea Soup?
    A: You can roast beef...
    Last edited by Shelton; 06-29-2008 at 04:17 PM.

  10. #1160
    Warped Reality TV_Junkie's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Tickety;3075354;
    Three guys decide to drop an apple, water-balloon, and a bomb out of a plane... They go and look for them.

    They see a little boy crying, They ask "Why are you crying?" He said "An apple fell on my head."

    They see a little girl who is crying "Why are you crying?" "A water-balloon dropped on my head."

    They see a little old lady laughing her head off. "Why are you laughing?" She replied, "I farted, and my house blew up."
    Lol!
    ~Supernatural Addict~

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