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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1141
    MRD
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;3029059;
    Men and Women

    NICKNAMES
    -If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    -If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    EATING OUT
    -When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    -When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    -A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    -A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    -A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Farmers Insurance.
    -The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    -A woman has the last word in any argument.
    -Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    CATS
    -Women love cats.
    -Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    FUTURE
    -A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    -A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS
    -A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    -A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE
    -A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    -A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    -A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
    -A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    -Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    -Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    -A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    -A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    -A married man should forget his mistakes.
    -There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!!!
    So funny and so true.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  2. #1142
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;3029059;
    Men and Women

    FUTURE
    -A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    -A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS
    -A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    -A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    !!!
    What year was this joke written--1950?
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  3. #1143
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Importance of Walking

    Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
    ___________

    My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.
    ___________

    The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
    ____________

    I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
    ____________

    I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
    ____________

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
    ____________

    I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    ___________

    The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
    ____________

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    ____________

    You could run this over to your friends, but why not just email it to them!
    ___________
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #1144
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    aren't those the truth!!!

  5. #1145
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Subject: Role Playing

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of
    marriage.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #1146
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Classic!

  7. #1147
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

    The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so Mankind was made."

    Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

    The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

    The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

  8. #1148
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    ohhhhhhh, good one!

  9. #1149
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND

    The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
    is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.

    I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1150
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Waaaah hahahahahaha!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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