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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1131
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Got this in an email today.


    "True" Friendship

    None of that Sissy Crap

    Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems
    that always sound good,

    But never actually come close to reality?

    Well, here is a series of promises that actually
    speak of true friendship.

    You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on
    this card-

    Just the stone cold truth of our great
    friendship.

    1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk
    and plot revenge against
    The sorry bastard who made you sad.


    2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge
    whatever is choking you.


    3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting
    something that I must be involved in.


    4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about
    it every chance I get.


    5. When you are worried -- I will tell you
    horrible stories about how much
    Worse it could be until you quit whining.


    6. When you are confused -- I will use little
    words.


    7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from
    me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.


    8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at
    your clumsy ass.


    9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
    "Why?" you may ask;
    "because you are my friend".


    Friendship is like peeing your pants,
    everyone can see it,
    But only you can feel the true warmth.


    Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
    Then get depressed because you can only think
    of 4.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  2. #1132
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That is so funny, dagwood- I love it!

  3. #1133
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #1134
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i hope this hasn't been shared already ... but i just saw it and found it hilarious


    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    BARACK OBAMA:
    The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

    JOHN MC CAIN:
    My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    HILLARY CLINTON:
    When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

    DR. PHIL:
    The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

    OPRAH:
    Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    GEORGE W. BUSH:
    We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

    COLIN POWELL:
    Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

    ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
    We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    JOHN KERRY:
    Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    NANCY GRACE:
    That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN:
    To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    MARTHA STEWART:
    No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS:
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
    To die in the rain. Alone.

    GRANDPA:
    In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS:
    Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE:
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    JOHN LENNON:
    Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    BILL GATES:
    I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN:
    Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    BILL CLINTON:
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

    AL GORE:
    I invented the chicken!

    DICK CHENEY:
    Where's my gun?

    AL SHARPTON:
    Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

    COLONEL SANDERS:
    Did I miss one?

  5. #1135
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OMG! That is hilarious
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  6. #1136
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    My favorites:

    OPRAH:
    Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
    To die in the rain. Alone.

    JOHN LENNON:
    Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
    2003-2008.

  7. #1137
    MRD
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by barefootdyke;3019022;
    s together, in peace.

    BILL GATES:
    I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.


    AL GORE:
    I invented the chicken!

    DICK CHENEY:
    Where's my gun?

    AL SHARPTON:
    Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

    COLONEL SANDERS:
    Did I miss one?

    These were my favorites, especially the Colonel Sanders one.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  8. #1138
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    [QUOTE=barefootdyke;3019022;]i hope this hasn't been shared already ... but i just saw it and found it hilarious
    Why did the chicken cross the road? (équote)

    They are all soooo funny!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #1139
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Men and Women

    NICKNAMES
    -If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    -If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    EATING OUT
    -When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    -When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    -A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    -A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    -A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Farmers Insurance.
    -The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    -A woman has the last word in any argument.
    -Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    CATS
    -Women love cats.
    -Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    FUTURE
    -A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    -A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS
    -A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    -A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE
    -A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    -A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    -A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
    -A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    -Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    -Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    -A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    -A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    -A married man should forget his mistakes.
    -There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1140
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    SO TRUE!

    -Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    -Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
    Thank you again misskitty!
    2003-2008.

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