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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1121
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A guy said that his wife hadn't talked to him for three months and he was thinking of getting a divorce. His friend told him to think it over, women like that were hard to find.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #1122
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    DEADLY FRUIT

    One day in the forest, 3 guys were hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of tribal men attacked them and knocked them out.

    When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

    The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

    So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expressions at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

    Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. He made it to the 9th grape, but then he started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

    The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asked the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

    The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."



    2003-2008.

  3. #1123
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.

  4. #1124
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
    accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
    and current medical report from your doctor.

    NAME__________________________ ___________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

    HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________ ____________________

    HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

    Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
    Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
    If No, explain:
    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    Number of years they have been married ______________________________

    If less than your age, explain
    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __


    ACCESSORIES SECTION:

    A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

    B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

    C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

    E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
    pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

    (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
    AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


    ESSAY SECTION:

    In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __


    REFERENCES SECTION:

    Church you attend ______________________________ _____________________

    How often you attend ______________________________ __________________

    When would be the best time to interview your:

    father? _____________

    mother? _____________

    pastor? _____________


    SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

    Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
    are confidential.

    A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    C: A woman's place is in the:

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __

    F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

    I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
    THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
    NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
    WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


    ______________________________ ___________________________
    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


    ______________________________ _ ______________________________ __
    Mother's Signature Father's Signature

    ______________________________ _ ______________________________ __
    Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
    non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

    You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
    not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
    cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
    notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
    (you might watch your back)

  5. #1125
    topmodel MD puffter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    ^^^^

    One day, Katarzyna will accost Tyra on the catwalk, sparta-Kick her off it and yell "This is KATARZYNA!!!"

  6. #1126
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Love it, MsDiva! I loved "Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual."
    2003-2008.

  7. #1127
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Cracked Pot - a story

    An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

    One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

    At the end of the long walks from th e stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

    For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

    Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

    But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

    After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream

    'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

    The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? '

    'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

    'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

    Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

    Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

    You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

    SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

    Send this to any or all of your Cracked Pot friends and don't forget the Cracked Pot that sent it to you!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #1128
    Duke Blue Devil Tickety's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Nice story, misskitty! I know a couple of Cracked Pots myself!
    2003-2008.

  9. #1129
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Subject: Computer 101
    ----------------------------

    I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
    next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
    over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

    He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
    error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

    Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

    "No," I replied.

    "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

    So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

    I used to like Eric.............
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1130
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i'm back-up computer support in my area and we LOVE using that error code.

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