ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass; the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? "
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
The little girl replies, "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?"
BOB AND THE BLONDE
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says ...
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Got this in an email today:
Subject: UCLA Study
UCLA STUDY - VERY INTERESTING & SHORT
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.
The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Love It, Love It, Love It, Love It, Love It!!!!!! :rofl:rofl:rofl
That is hysterical!! :lol
DON'T FART IN BED
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when he awoke, even louder than the night before. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out to which, he only laughed.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. God, I feel horrible."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one-day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."
"Oh No!" his wife his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold back the laughter, "are you okay honey?"
"Yea, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan. "But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of 'em back in."
What a visual I'm getting! My officemate and I are roaring!