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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1101
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    New Dog Breeds Recognized by AKC

    The following new combination dog breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

    Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

    Spitz + Chow Chow
    Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

    Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

    Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

    Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
    Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

    Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog

    Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

    Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
    Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

    Newfoundland + Basset Hound
    Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

    Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

    Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

    Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work

    Deerhound + Terrier
    Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

    Bull Terrier + Shihtzu
    Bull..... Oh, never mind
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  2. #1102
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    queenb:

    Chicago Women

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

    The first man had married a woman from Des Moines, Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from Biloxi, Mississippi. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a girl from Chicago. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he coudldn't see anything, the second day he couldn't see anything, but by the third day...some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1103
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The 4 stages of Life

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #1104
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That's a good one bbnbama!

    Airline Announcements

    - United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

    - On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    - "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    - An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    - As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

    - After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

    - Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    - Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    - "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    - "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there."

    - Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    - After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    - Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

    - Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    - A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #1105
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I like those, misskitty!
    I actually heard this one time from a flight attendan...
    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  6. #1106
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Taxiing up to the far away gate on a Southwest flight once the flight attendant said "Now you know how Southwest flies you so cheap. We fly you half way and drive the rest."

  7. #1107
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    While still waiting by the gate, in the airplane, the pilot came on and introduced himself. Then he started saying "we have some problems that caused this delay *pause* well, problems with refueling, nothing else. We need a lot of fuel since we're going all the way to Amsterdam (from Detroit). Once the fuel is finished, then it'll be no more problems"

    It sounded a bit funny since he didn't realised what he'd said until after he said it and started to correct himself. It was also late at night, so I was tired, maybe that added to the situation being funny.

  8. #1108
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    THE BOTTLE OF WINE

    For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

    Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

    With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

    "What in bag?" asked the old woman.

    Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

    Then with wisdom in her voice........


    "Good Trade...."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #1109
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Doctors in Europe and the US

    A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so
    advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it
    in another, and have him looking for work in six
    weeks."

    A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We
    can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and
    have him looking for work in four weeks."

    A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
    can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,
    and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

    The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
    behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas,
    put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the
    country is looking for work."
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1110
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I hope that this isn't too risqué . . .

    After a wildly successful shore leave in Hong Kong, an American sailor couldn't help but notice that his ~ahem~ appendage was oozing and covered with open sores. He went to the ship's doctor, who told him that amputation was the only answer. The sailor wasn't too keen on this, so he had the doctor arrange a consultation with a British doctor who had practiced 30 years in Hong Kong and prided himself on having seen it all. The British doctor also said that amputation was the only treatment. The sailor was really scared, and so he searched out a Chinese doctor in the city. The Chinese doctor examined him, and said, "Those Western doctors don't know so much. We do NOT have to amputate. In two weeks, it will turn black and fall off by itself."
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

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