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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1091
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    After working with the public for the past couple of decades - I agree with you! I swear, it makes me wonder how some people find their way out of bed in the morning...

  2. #1092
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Masculine or Feminine

    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are not genderless but are designated as either masculine or feminine. House for instance, is feminine: la casa and Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz. A student then asked, What gender would a computer be?

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into a male and female group, and asked each group to decide for themselves as to whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, 'la computadora', because:

    A. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    B. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    C. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and finally

    D. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!


    (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should definitely be masculine, 'el computador, because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1093
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I was at work when I received this joke email.....

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
    it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
    step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they
    congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
    when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
    the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away)
    that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a
    bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
    home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
    cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
    were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3
    of them.

    I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
    feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
    I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have
    a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
    tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a
    step towards it....it took a step away. I put a little tension on the
    rope and received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there
    looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
    you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
    stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
    could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

    That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
    controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
    off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to
    me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I
    originally imagined.

    The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many
    animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
    quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It
    took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by
    the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to
    get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just
    let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die
    slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all
    between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I
    would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in
    my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the
    deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it
    dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
    recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
    of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the
    deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back
    up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
    hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute.

    I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope
    back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
    have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised
    when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
    my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
    horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and
    shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

    They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
    draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
    ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
    minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than
    a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

    While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached
    up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer
    will strike at you with their front feet. They raise right up on their
    back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their
    hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an
    animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get
    away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make
    an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to
    back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a
    deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a
    millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman
    and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
    horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
    you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses
    after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil,
    because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the
    head and knocked me down.

    Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately
    leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
    What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you
    while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
    head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. Now
    for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I
    had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and
    felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was
    bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had
    protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest
    place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood
    and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me
    through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?"

    I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an
    individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they
    have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law
    enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned
    that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions
    as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something
    monumentally stupid played no part in my response.. I told him "I was
    attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope
    on it.

    The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket
    where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face
    where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get
    me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

    Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to
    know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
    and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to
    describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was
    filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just
    started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid
    or insane or something.

    EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the
    co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in
    the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried
    rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the
    story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every
    day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting
    in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the
    dumbass that tried to rope the deer."
    Funny thing is...I can actually picture a few people that live around here that this would be something they would actually attempt to do.......
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #1094
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #1095
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2881861;
    I was at work when I received this joke email.....



    Funny thing is...I can actually picture a few people that live around here that this would be something they would actually attempt to do.......
    Oh that's good

  6. #1096
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It's all about perspective....

    The price of Gas

    All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

    You will be really shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)

    Compared with Gasoline......

    Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

    Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........... $10.32 per gallon
    Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ......... $9.52 per gallon
    Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ................ $10.17 per gallon
    Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ........... $10.00 per gallon
    Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ............ $33.60 per gallon
    Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ........... $178.13 per gallon
    Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
    Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ................ $25.42 per gallon

    Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon

    And this is the REAL KICKER...

    Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

    Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................ (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
    $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

    So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

    Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

    And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
    your muffler will fall off!!

    Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #1097
    FORT Fanatic anemone's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;2863852;
    For my friend anemone.

    Aawww, Thanks, misskitty. I may have to make that into an avatar!

  8. #1098
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Tomorrow is Tax day!!!

    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  9. #1099
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
    I never looked at it this way before:
    MEN tal illness
    MEN strual cramps
    MEN tal breakdown
    MEN opause
    GUY necologist
    AND ...
    When we have REAL trouble, it's a
    HIS terectomy.

    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

  10. #1100
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by MsDiva2007;2918470;
    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
    At least we're not responsible for HERpes.

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