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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #101
    FORT Fogey
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    Great jokes bloony (both sets)!

  2. #102
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Dear Alcohol,
    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
    important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
    :eat
    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
    clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

    5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.
    :monkeybut
    6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

    Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,

    Your biggest fan

  3. #103
    Why Not Us? greenie's Avatar
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    Unkelscott! Too funny.
    Who shot who in the what now?

  4. #104
    I need to get out more bloonman's Avatar
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    True Story right from the Associated Press:

    Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

    One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

    A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

    She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and came to her aid.

    And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

    "I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

  5. #105
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Bloony, your joke is hilarious too.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  6. #106
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    So much for biscuits with dinner

  7. #107
    I need to get out more bloonman's Avatar
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    Here's a list of some of the variations of the "God Speaks" billboards put up in Cleveland a while back.
    • Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
      -God-
    • What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
      -God-
    • Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
      -God-
    • Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
      -God-
    • That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
      -God-
    • Big bang theory--you've got to be kidding.
      -God-
    • My way is the highway.
      -God-
    • You think it's hot here?
      -God-
    • Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
      -God-

      (And my personal favorite...)
    • Don't make me come down there.
      -God-

    "I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

  8. #108
    FORT Fogey
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    OKay heres one.. its better if you say it but i will use Italic letters for a high voice and CAPS for a low voice okay???

    There was this guy and he had an abnormaly high voice. He was constantly the butt of many of his friends jokes, and eventually he had had enough. He paid a visit to his doctor

    "Hey Doc. Is there any way that you can make my voice deeper??" He said

    "Well sure but we're going to have to cut off your testicles. Is that okay?" Replied the doctor.

    "Yeah sure doc. Anything to give me a lower voice!!!" the man said. The operation went smoothly and he went to go show off his new voice
    "HEY GUYS NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT?" The man said this for a few days, but he realized that he missed his old voice. He went back to the doctor for another operation

    "DOC I WANT MY OLD VOICE BACK. THIS JUST ISN'T ME..."

    "Okay I ll just sew your testicles back on"

    "Thanks Doc I think I'll go to the beach to meet up with my friends now" The man got to the beach and there was no one around.
    "I suppose I'll just go skinny dipping, seeing as there's no one here." He took off his clothes and got into the ocean.
    "Well This is fun. Uh oh whats that? Help Help! THERES A SHARK OUT HERE"


    lol love that joke!!!

  9. #109
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Bloony,
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  10. #110
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough
    sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
    create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
    squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
    (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at
    home...... maybe at work.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
    body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm
    home. What the....?!")

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be
    equivalent to jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...lucky pig...
    can you imagine??)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom
    of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next
    life...quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........won't go
    there.)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
    people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good
    thing....)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that
    out.)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What
    about that pig??)

    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

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