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  1. #1081
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
    are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have
    a sense of humour.
    ______________________________ __________________________


    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
    TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
    them die.

    ______________________________ ____________________

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
    tracks? ( Sweden )

    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me
    a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

    A: What did your last slave die of?

    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?( USA )

    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
    does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
    Kings Cross. Come naked.
    ______________________________ _________________________


    Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
    and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    ______________________________ ______________________________ __


    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
    is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
    in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
    ______________________________ ____________________

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

    A: You are a British politician, right?
    ______________________________ _________________


    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
    round? ( Germany )

    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
    Milk is illegal.

    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
    rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
    All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
    and make good pets.
    ______________________________ __________________


    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
    forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
    of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
    You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
    you go out walking.

    ______________________________ ____________________

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
    you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
    population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

    A: Yes, gay night clubs.
    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

    A: Only at Christmas.

    ______________________________ ____________________

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl
    I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
    ______________________________ ____________________


    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1082
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    You may have seen this one already.

    Subject: Political Affiliation Test

    Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans or Democrats?
    The answer can be found by posing the following question:

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Semi-Auto Pistol Cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

    Why am I carrying a loaded gun, and what message does this send to society and my children?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Should I call 9-1-1?

    Why is this street so deserted?

    We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Republican's Answer:

    BANG!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Southern Republican or Democrat's Answer:

    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    Click.....(sounds of reloading).

    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    BANG!
    Click

    Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1083
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

    1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

    2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .

    3. I take my wife everywhere .....but she keeps finding her way back.

    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

    5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!' .. So I bought her an electric chair.

    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me 'In the lake.'

    8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling 'Am I too late for the garbage?' ... The driver said 'No, jump in!'

    10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

    11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

    13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked 'What's on the TV?'
    I said 'Dust!'
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #1084
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I am Ukrainian and I found this hilarious! No offence meant to Canadians of other cultures.

    Subject: Ukrainian Kids

    Canadian kids: Move out when they're 18
    with the full support of their parents.

    Ukrainian kids: Move out when they're 28,
    having saved enough money for a house,
    and are two weeks away from getting
    married....unless there's room in the basement
    for the newlyweds.

    -------

    Canadian kids: When their Mom visits them,
    she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee
    and chat.

    Ukrainian kids: When their Mom visits them,
    she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to
    tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange
    the furniture.
    --------

    Canadian kids: Their dads always call before
    they come over to visit them, and it's usually
    only on special occasions.

    Ukrainian kids: Are not at all fazed when their
    dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday
    morning at 8:00, and starts painting the
    window frames or mowing the lawn.
    -------

    Canadian kids: Always pay retail, and look
    in the Yellow Pages when they need to have
    something done.

    Ukrainian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and
    ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number
    to get it done...cash deal. Know what I mean??
    -------

    Canadian kids: Will come over for cake and
    coffee, and get only cake and coffee.
    No more.

    Ukrainian kids: Will come over and get cabbage
    rolls, perogi, roast chicken , salad, bread, fruit,
    cheesecake a few before, during and after
    dinner drinks.
    --------

    Canadian kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.

    Ukrainian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss
    on your cheek, and a pat on your back.
    ---------

    Canadian kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

    Ukrainian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
    ----------

    Canadian kids: Have never seen you cry.

    Ukrainian kids: Cry with you.
    ---------
    Canadian kids: Borrow your stuff for a few
    days and then return it.

    Ukrainian kids: Keep your stuff so long, they
    forget it's yours.
    ---------

    Canadian kids: Will eat at your dinner table
    and leave.

    Ukrainian kids: Will spend hours there, talking,
    laughing, and just being together.
    --------

    Canadian kids: Know few things about you.

    Ukrainian kids: Could write a book with
    direct quotes from you.
    ---------

    Canadian kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly
    sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.

    Ukrainian kids: Eat kielbasa sandwiches with
    dill pickles on rye bread.
    --------

    Canadian kids: Will leave you behind if that's
    what the crowd is doing.

    Ukrainian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass
    who left you behind.
    ----------

    Canadian kids: Are for a while.

    Ukrainian kids: Are for life.
    ---------

    Canadian kids: Think that being Ukrainian is cool.

    Ukrainian kids: Know that being Ukrainian is cool.
    -----------

    Canadian kids: Will ignore this.

    Ukrainian kids: Will forward it.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #1085
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

    In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

    When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling$95,000.He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

    He almost burst with happiness.

    'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?

    ''Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #1086
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Just in time for Easter,....


    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," ! he explains,

    "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

    The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

    The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    It says..

    (Are you ready for this?)
    (Are you sure?)
    (You know you're gonna be sorry)
    (Last chance)
    (OK, here it is)

    It says,

    "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."


    Happy Easter!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #1087
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    For my friend anemone.

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #1088
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Funny Quotes


    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
    -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
    -- Eleanor Roosevelt

    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
    -- Mark Twain

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
    -- George Burns

    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    - - Victor Borge

    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    -- Mark Twain

    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    -- Socrates

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    -- Groucho Marx

    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    -- Alex Levine

    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    -- Bob Hope

    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
    -- W.C. Fields

    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    -- Will Rogers

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
    -- Winston Churchill

    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
    -- Phyllis Diller

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    -- Billy Crystal

    The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

    Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humor out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk.
    amen
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #1089
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Subject: All Time Dumbest Questions Asked By Banff Park Tourists

    Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

    1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

    2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

    3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
    Park Information Staff: "'Elk.'"
    Tourist: "Oh."

    4. Are the bears with collars tame?

    5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

    6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

    7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

    8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today -- could you tell me what it was?

    9. Are there birds in Canada?

    10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

    11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

    12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

    13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

    14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

    15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?

    16. How far is Banff from Canada?

    17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

    18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

    19. When we enter B.C., do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

    20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

    21. Are there phones in Banff?

    22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

    23. We're on the decibel system, you know.

    24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

    25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

    26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

    27. Where do you put the animals at night?

    28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
    Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
    Tourist: "Oh!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1090
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This just proves one of my point.

    I've always told people that people are stupid. This just proves my point. Why do they accuse me of being cynical and jaded??
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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