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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1071
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I am LOVING this thread right now. I'm going to read every single one!!!

  2. #1072
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1073
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Bottle of Wine

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
    Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
    demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in
    mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.... about
    women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's
    interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
    left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign that we
    should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
    our days'.

    Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely;
    this must be a sign! But you're still at fault...women
    shouldn't be allowed to drive.

    The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another
    miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
    break. We should drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
    agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
    it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No, I
    think I'll just wait for the police'

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    Women are clever, evil witches.

    Don't mess with us!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #1074
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man was being chased by the Highway Patrol. When the officer finally pulled him over, he asked the guy why he didn't stop sooner. The guy said, "My wife ran off with a Highway Patrol officer, and I was afraid that you were bringing her back!"
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #1075
    It's not easy being green Toad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I just going back through all the old jokes and most are really funny
    BUT, misskitty, I don't think you'll be able to say this one next year!


    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;2276635;
    One sunny day in 2008, an old man
    approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The man thanked him and again walked away .

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
    Ribbitt

  6. #1076
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #1077
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #1078
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    I'm so glad we don't get President's Day.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #1079
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    RULES FOR WRITERS

    - Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    - Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    - And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    - It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    - Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    - Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    - Be more or less specific.
    - Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    - Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    - No sentence fragments.
    - Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    - Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    - Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    - One should NEVER generalize.
    - Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    - Don't use no double negatives.
    - Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    - One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    - Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    - The passive voice is to be ignored.
    - Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    - Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    - Kill all exclamation points!!!
    - Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    - Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
    - Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
    - Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    - If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    - Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    - Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    - Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    - Who needs rhetorical questions?
    - Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    - Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1080
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ouch!! I resemble some of those warnings!!! Loving the rules!!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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