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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1041
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MissDiva: Yeowch!

    Peeping Tom

    This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment, and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood, she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...

    Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...

    She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --

    She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her...



    Attachment 23207
    Last edited by misskitty; 05-12-2008 at 05:22 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1042
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Good one misskitty! I was rolling in my chair after looking at the picture!
    Yup, with donuts!!

  3. #1043
    It's not easy being green Toad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by MsDiva2007;2772075;
    Fatherhood

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
    She says, "Hello."

    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
    OOPS! celery, huh
    Ribbitt

  4. #1044
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

    NEW OFFICE POLICY

    Dress Code:

    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days:

    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break:

    * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #1045
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe with a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, I'm yours."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, I'm yours."

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

    He lost 63 pounds that week."
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #1046
    It's not easy being green Toad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Why did the math book go to the psychiatrist?

    Because he had problems
    Ribbitt

  7. #1047
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama -- *chuckle*



    Toad- *groooooaaaaaan*

  8. #1048
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Here's another *groooooaaaaaan* joke:

    Why do mice have such little balls?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Cause not many of them know how to dance!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  9. #1049
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OK that one made me smile and laugh

  10. #1050
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
    but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
    classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
    with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
    is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
    they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
    limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
    they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
    takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
    stuffed under her sweater.

    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
    and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

    'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
    put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there He ate for nine
    months through an umbrella cord.'

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
    laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
    in amazement.

    'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
    Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
    the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
    duck walk and groaning.)

    'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
    sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
    like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

    'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
    got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
    (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.
    It was too much!)

    'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
    They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
    out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
    was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
    sure I applauded the loudest Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
    I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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