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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1001
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    He got up, unplugged my computer, then took all my beer and left. What a jerk.....

  2. #1002
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hahahahahahahaha - good one!
    Count your blessings!

  3. #1003
    Ad Astra Per Aspera homeontherange's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hilarious, barefoot!! I love that one!

  4. #1004
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

    Well, Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

    Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

    "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

    "But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

    There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

    So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

    Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised a round the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

    The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

    Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
    Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they nimbly tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding very well at all, I might add!

    Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

    "What's the matter?" They all asked:

    "Cat got your tongue?"
    Moonyean likes this.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #1005
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The 2007 Darwin Awards

    Seems like 2007 was a very good year for very stupid people.

    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on aSeattle street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.




    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family .. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #1006
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Baked Beans


    One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

    All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

    Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

    "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

    He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

    The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
    a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

    Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,

    I went on like this for another few minutes.

    The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

    My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

    At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

    I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #1007
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OY VEY that had me rolling on the floor.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #1008
    FORT Fogey Bonbonlover's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

    Wonderful!!
    Okay I love FORT's casino, but I really am not very good. If anyone wants to donate their FORT $$ I would gladly accept http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum....php?do=donate

  9. #1009
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies









    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #1010
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A little funny video to watch....Be sure and pay close attention to the guy on the left....

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

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