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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #991
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sorry for the double post but I thought we could have some fun with some "stupid packing instructions". Here are a few that I've come across over the years:
    On an iron: Do not iron clothes on body
    On a hairdryer: Do not use while bathing
    On a box of Tirimisu: Do not turn box upside down (printed on the bottom of the box)
    On a box of indoor/outdoor christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
    and my personal favorite:
    On a bag of Doritos: You could be an instant winner. No purchase neccessary. Details inside.
    Regarding the last one, I'm going to go in to a store one of these days, find something that has that printed on the outside of the package and rip open all the packages to take out the details. Itsays no purchase neccessary.
    Do you guys have any that you want to share?
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  2. #992
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Newfherder;2734885;
    What, did you sleep through matrix algebra, differential equations, fractals and quantum physics?

    My theory is the second number represents the number of letters in the first number.

    Nope, I just skipped school that day.

    Thanks, Nilesgirl, I get it now.

  3. #993
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Thanks for the solution to the riddle! My mind was mush and I just couldn't get it.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #994
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

    "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
    living.

    She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

    After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early twenties, then a circus ringmaster when in her forties, later on a preacher when in her sixties, and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #995
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    Along that same line:

    A woman was getting married for the fourth time, and went to her doctor for the blood test. During the course of the examination, he discovered that she was a virgin. He asked her how that was possible.

    "My first husband was wounded in the groin in the war, and couldn't. My second husband was gay, and wouldn't. My third husband was a politician, and he just sat around talking about how good it would be."

  6. #996
    Crabby Cancerian remote_goddess's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by nilesgirl;2734903;
    and my personal favorite:
    On a bag of Doritos: You could be an instant winner. No purchase neccessary. Details inside.
    Regarding the last one, I'm going to go in to a store one of these days, find something that has that printed on the outside of the package and rip open all the packages to take out the details. Itsays no purchase neccessary.
    I'd love to see that! And seriously, what marketing genius approved that? Details inside a closed package? Yup... No purchase necessary.

  7. #997
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Okay - the doritos one had me laughing and going out to buy a bag. The old lady getting married was funny. The woman getting married for the fourth time -still laughing.. Thanks all.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #998
    FORT Fogey Bonbonlover's Avatar
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    Re: Bran Muffins

    Quote Originally Posted by Unklescott;2734595;
    "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"
    Oh my gosh, that is great!!
    Okay I love FORT's casino, but I really am not very good. If anyone wants to donate their FORT $$ I would gladly accept http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum....php?do=donate

  9. #999
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I work in a lousy cubicle type area...so I found this funny (and true!)

    DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 DRAWBACK'S TO WORKING IN A CUBICLE

    10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box
    all day long.

    9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to
    see who's behind you.

    8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

    7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a
    piece of cheese.

    6. Lack of roof rafters for hanging myself.

    5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

    4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

    3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

    2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life
    than your co-workers.

    And the NUMBER ONE drawback to working in a cubicle is:

    1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #1000
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama that is FUNNY!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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