Ten things you should never tell your kids:
1. The romantic story about the night they were conceived.
2. That they are picked up from the dustbin just around the corner.
3. That they will be consumed next Thanksgiving.
4. That someday they really will be smarter than you.
5. That their Indian name would be broken condom
6. That they would have died if it weren't for a wonder magical remedy involving goat crap and aliigator eyes.
7. Look at all of them, and say, "I'm sorry, but because of the economy the way it is...we're going to have to let one of you go."
8. Point to your trailer home and say "Someday, kids, this will all be yours".
9. Tell them that you gave them the gift of life and they have a life time to pay you back.
10. That the sandman is really Michael Jackson.
Ten Things You Should Not Include in Your Oscar Acceptance Speech
1. The story about the time when Daddy wasn't so nice to you...