Wait a sec only two contestants so far???
C'om there are definitely more than two techies on this site!! Where's Wayner?
Everyone is open to post.... Everyone also votes... Starting 12:00pm tomorrow please PM your votes of who should win. You can (and should) vote if you post but not for yourself... I will total votes and annouce....
They will come, I am sure...
Originally Posted by dvm
Voting booth is only open between 12:00pm and 4:00pm EST on August 13th. The winner will be annouced on this thread at 4:30pm EST August 13th... Please remember to mark posts as your entries so we know... All clear?
Loaded God Complex
Alright then. I am drudging up two of my technology bits just to get this out of the way.
Technology dealing with the new, super advanced carwash!
We're gearing up for a trip to the car wash.
There's a new one in town. Some hi-tech, super hydraulic, wizard of a behemoth that has been known to strip the paint clear down to primer. What, you say? It sounds like a ruination of a good automobile! Ay, that it is. But it's free. Free with a fill up.
Free is motivational. Let's all hearken back to the immortal words of Kevin Costner, shall we? If you give it away, they shall come. Free parking, free newspapers, free long distance. My husband even dropped his pants one morning and waggled it around proclaiming that it, too, was free, but for a limited time only. He almost got me there. Almost. Too bad for him that I know it's not limited at all. He's always trying to give that damned thing away.
So, by mid morning we'd packed up the crew, dog inclusive, and headed off. With a thermos of coffee and a basket of sandwiches, we were committed to making it a grand adventure. We're poor, you know. We don't get out much.
"Mom? This is retarded. Can't I just stay at home?"
"Shut up. We're going to have a good time. It'll be better than that free trip through the meat processing plant we went to last week."
With that my preteen daughter begins to cry. In hindsight, we should have skipped that slaughter area. She really hasn't been the same since.
I begin a rousing rendition of "1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall," and my husband joins in. The kids retreat to the farthest corners of the Mini-Van, in an attempt to segregate themselves from their moronic parents as much as possible lest someone recognize them. My youngest has gone so far as to wrap a blindfold around his eyes, so that he can claim kidnapping Monday morning in the preschool lunchroom.
"Thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall! Thirty-two bottles of beer! Take one.....hey! We're here!"
And that we are. From a distance I can see a snaking line of Mini-Vans, twining along the road like a curiously silent metal amphibian upon the pavement. Families surround their dirty autos, tossing Frisbees and roasting brats on Hibachis. We wave to our neighbors, and settle at the rear.
In the distance I spot the car wash flag. Hoisted high above the building edge, a small sports car with a happy face salutes me from the horizon. "Slap Happy Car Emporium!", it proclaims.
Three hours later, as I nap in the sun on the hood of our car, my husband jumps from the driver's seat, wildly waving a brochure in my face.
"Hey! We get a free air freshener, too!"
Life is good.
Only two hours after that, and we sit at the pump. My husband fills the tank and heads inside to collect our E-ticket to the car wash ride of the century, leaving me chewing balefully upon a sandwich.
He returns and thrusts a paper at me.
"Disclaimer. We both need to sign it."
I browse it over.
"....Slap Happy will not be responsible for lost items, children, bumpers, wheels, dogs, primer stripping, et al. Those with serious heart conditions should refrain from riding within the vehicle and pregnant woman should also not ride....yada yada yada..."
I plant my signature on it. He heads back in.
And then there we are. Only one car ahead of us, and it's our turn. I can see the water jets pounding furiously, spinning at a frenzied rate in the belly of the machine ahead of us. My husband rolls the windows tight, hangs up our new Slap Happy air freshener, and we're good to go.
As we pull to the lip of the enclosure, I lean towards the window and peer within the dark, soapy shadows. I'm sure I make out the word "Titanic" as the "vehicle" ahead of me moves to the outer edge of the washing bin. A wheel rolls out and bounces gently past the quarter panel of my car, and I watch it skip a few hundred yards until it wobbles to a stop.
"Seat belts! Seat belts!" I shout, but it's too late. We're already in the gullet of the Cleaning Creature.
An iceberg grazes my window and I can see penguins scurrying for cover as an atomic blast of water begins to pummel our exterior. I'm tossed from one side of the automobile to the other and the kids begin to scream from the back seat.
There's a vacuum packed "shoosh" and the dog is sucked through the air vent before I can grab for his leash. I watch him pelt off the windshield and then a dozen or so parka clad Eskimos appear from an igloo nearby and whisk him away.
A blinding sheet of soap hits the car and I see tentacles grasp onto the passenger side door. The car rocks furiously, and my preteen daughter begins to scream as a cyclone whirls by, complete with Guernsey cows and a wheat empty silo.
A foghorn blares and as we creep further towards the exit, a long, slender neck appears from a mechanism to our side. It has a lazy, cud-chewing face attached to it, and Nessie peers within my window, grinding on what appears to be my dog's leash.
Always happy to jump on a bandwagon, I begin to scream, too.
"Get us out! Get us out!"
My husband guns the engine and our tires spin and smoke, vainly attempting to get out of the security trappings installed by Slap Happy for our safety.
With a slick sounding smack, a mackerel hits the window and a huge, smooth paw of a polar bear appears to prod at it.
I clamber to the back seat and gather the children to me, weeping and sobbing anew. I can hear the sonar ping of a submarine as it stealthily moves along our side. A quick glance from the window finds Sean Connery staring at me from it's interior, a curiously bemused look upon his face as he checks his script.
"We're almost there!"
It's my husband, manning our hapless ship that will soon be lost.
A few harrowing seconds later, we bump from the machine. My husband quickly peels from the parking lot and we head for home, shaken and stirred, but with our new Slap Happy air freshener dangling victoriously from the rearview.
I climb back into my seat and buckle myself tight.
"You okay back there?" I ask the kids.
My oldest son begins to laugh.
"That was rad. Can we do that again?"
I look in the mirror and bear witness as the building begins to fold spookily in upon itself. In my rearview, Stephen King credits begin to roll on the diminishing horizon and I decide then that we won't be doing it again. At least not in this lifetime.
If you have questions regarding contest, please PM me, I will post all answers that everyone should hear... Good luck to all, contest is open to all... Please remember to vote tomorrow...
Loaded God Complex
And dealing with newfangled refrigerators.
Another Saturday morning.
I crawled from my bed and, stepping into the hallway, promptly set my foot into a discarded Barbie Mini-Van. This was followed by an impromptu cruise across the linoleum and into the kitchen where I found myself flat on my back. How dandy.
As I lay there surveying the cobwebs on the ceiling and making a mental note to dust, my husband's face loomed over me.
"Morning, honey. I've got a surprise for you."
"A surprise? After that super deluxe Barbie tour, what could you possibly do to top that?"
There was a knock on the door and my husband began to shudder with a type of anticipation that, until that very moment, I had only seen exhibited by my children when Halloween rolled about.
"It's here! It's here!"
And off he ran to the door, leaving me in a crumpled heap.
A few minutes later a stranger in a blue work shirt pressed his face scant inches from mine.
"Ma'am? I don't want to disturb you, but you have to move."
"We need room for your new refrigerator."
Well. A new refrigerator. My day was now going so well I thought about begging to be left alone and asking that they just set the appliance right on top of me where I lay.
Instead, I struggled to the table and balefully accepted a cup of coffee from my husband. I would have preferred some tea, but by this point my path to the stove was obstructed by a behemoth box approximately the size of a Volkswagen.
I made an observation.
"That's a big fridge."
My husband plunked an owner's manual into the center of the table and the wood immediately listed inwards. Only with quick action on my part did I manage to save my antique vase from being sucked into the now forming crevice.
I gazed at the cover. There was a nice glossy photo of Arnold Schwartzennager on the front, a remote control in hand which he brandished at the fridge door like a semi automatic and, in a big cartoon blurb above his head, he declared, "The Mega-nator!"
I snorted out loud.
"Mega-nator? Is that the refrigerator's name? Really?"
My question went unanswered as the men in service blue were busy knocking a hole into my laundry room in order to accommodate the Mega-nator's depth. Finding the dishwasher in the way, it was immediately shuttled to the porch with the promise that the new Mega-nator Power Wash System would arrive the next morning to take it's place.
The entire installation process took the remainder of the day but by six that evening the Mega-nator was mounted and ready. I was still sitting at my kitchen table, cold cup of coffee in hand, when my husband tossed the remote down.
"Okay. I'm meeting my brother to get sized for that tuxedo for Uncle Nick's wedding. Here, you two get acquainted."
With a quick peck on the cheek he fled the house.
I sat there looking at the remote. Lots of buttons with a scrolling LED display on top. "Welcome! The Mega-nator is happy to be part of your home!"
I waved a half hearted hello and checked out the buttons more closely. Defrost, anti-frost, antifreeze, freeze frame, freezer burn, Lynard Skynard's Free Bird. Pretty Mega, all right. Oh, now here was an interesting selection. Frozen Goods.
Snatching up the control, I moved to the front of the refrigerator which exhaled a small, frosty breath as it recognized my presence.
With a whir and a click, a tinny voice resonated from what appeared to be my ice cube dispenser in the front.
"A Mega-nator hello to you. How can I be of service?"
Was I supposed to answer it? I stood there a moment and then leaned in jerkily, pressing my face near the ice receptacle.
"Um. Yeah. Frozen yogurt, please?"
I stepped back and waited. Nothing. Maybe it didn't hear me. I leaned in again and with a little more force shouted,
Retreating to my chair, I picked up the manual and flipped to the directory.
"Have the Mega-nator skin an Elk." "Mega-nator Rapid Tax Filing via the Vegetable Tray." "Six Easy Steps to Instant Butter Churning." "Mega-nator Automobile Home Repair Guide." Ah, here we go. Down in the "Mega-nator for Dummies" section. "How to get your yogurt, you dummy."
Step #1 -- Place dish in frozen accessory tray.
Step #2 -- Grab remote.
Step #3 -- Press "Frozen Goods" accessory button. Wait for LED prompt. When "yogurt" scrolls by, hit Enter.
Step #4 -- Remove yogurt from frozen good dispenser.
Now that didn't sound hard at all.
I plodded out onto the porch and shooed the neighbor's cat off my dishwasher. Popping open the door, I grabbed a clean bowl and went back inside.
I set the bowl in place, grabbed my remote and pressed the accessory button. My selections began whipping across the LED readout with tsunami like speed.
I focused intently and after the fifth sweep jabbed at the enter button as soon as I thought I saw the letter "y" appear.
On the Mega-nator, a small set of doors slid open in it's upper right quadrant and an instructional film touting the vacationing pleasures of Yellowstone appeared.
Shoot. The LED kept on going so I repeated all of the appropriate steps and tried again.
Another jab of the button and Lynard Skynard's "Free Bird" began to emit from my ice cream tray.
A few more jabs at the buttons and I watched the LED display more carefully.
I stared intently for five minutes and made a manic punch at the next "Y"
YOGURT! YOGURT! YOGURT!
The LED flashed a successful selection and I let out a cheer of victory! I could do this!
I hastened to my bowl and waited. Nothing. I bent down and peered up the spigot in the dispensary. How odd. I wondered what could have gone awry.
Turns out I was at the wrong dispenser, which now became apparent as yogurt began to spout from the side of my Mega-nator like oil from the Exxon Valdez.
I grabbed for a towel and tried ramming it into the opening but it appeared that, without a proper bowl or cup in place, my ultra smart refrigerator couldn't tell when to stop dispensing, so yogurt kept pumping forth.
Slipping about on my floor now frothing with yogurt, I made a dash for the remote and my manual.
I scanned the book and tossed it aside, settling for rapid button selections instead. There had to be a power switch on here somewhere.
Ah ha! "TERMINATE" With a quick jab, I pressed it down and held my breath.
The Yellowstone video disappeared, Free Bird ceased to play, and the yogurt geyser sputtered to a halt.
My relief was short lived as a loud, ominous buzzer took Free Bird's place and a red strobe light began circling my kitchen walls like a police cruiser in my rearview.
"Mega-nator termination sequence activated. Termination will occur in 10, 9, 8, 7..."
I dove behind the couch in the nick of time as an explosion rocked the kitchen, sending a shower of cookies and cereal flakes into the air around me.
I waited for about five minutes and then peeked at the kitchen from my hiding place to survey the damage. There was an empty crater where the Mega-nator once sat.
Now I could only hope, that when the Mega-nator Power Wash System arrived, it had a "Surface to Air Missile Clean Up" button on it's remote.
I am so lost! Someone explain what is going on, please? Who are the two contestants? Whats going on?!?!
yes, everyuone has been there.... while the LCS room was open. I had to close it when I left this moring.
Originally Posted by boredouttamind
Can I just say why i voted as i did?
Originally Posted by dvm
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