The *new and Improved* FORT LCS

[MajiH]

#3 - just for fun.

Yesterday my computer caught a virus.

I know, I know. By now I should know better than to ever open an email I don't recognize but, in this day and age, I don't recognize a damned thing! After I sift through the eight million new emails I get daily, I'm lucky if my eyes will focus long enough to get me from my desk to the restroom.

The subject line of the email promised me a "firmer behind". You have to understand. I need a firmer behind. The IRS has kicked me in mine so often that I could use a little help to absorb the repeated blows.

Within seconds of downloading the attached image (Shut up. I needed to KNOW what my firmer behind would look like) my computer screen began to snap, crackle and pop so hard I went running for the milk. Cereal AND a firmer behind. I was pretty excited by this fortuitous turn of events.

By the time I return with my bowl and my spoon my friends from Kelloggs had been replaced by a huge yellow smily face complete with fangs and a short, scrolling message.

"Hacker Z has claimed your machine. Prepare to die."

Prepare to die. That was supposed to be a threat? Was that to send me scurrying to the local bomb shelter in an effort to save my soul? Not in my house, Mr Z, and let me tell you why.

I have four kids. That's right. Four. If I haven't died already, or willingly tossed myself from a nearby overpass, chances are your virus won't even be able to touch me.

You want to see a virus? You want to see something out of control? Come to my house. Between picking bologna slices off the walls and trying to explain to my neighbor why my toddler has shaved her dog YET AGAIN there is nothing you can do short of a nuclear weapon that will touch me.

Virus, my ass. If a hacker really wanted to do some damage, he'd send me a program that would shoot a feverish two year old out of my monitor when I downloaded it.

Now THAt would be something to be afraid of.

[MajiH]

Mr. T, I now have three posts entered. That's it for me.

[CashMoneySoviet]

What about a technoligical reality show. "Life Of a Computer Genius" A camera crew follows a nerd around on a daily basis. "Yes, Douglas. We seem to have a problem routing the main hard drive to the RAM. The blue wire does not connect and then we can not get the computer working, and you know I will die without a computer!" "Oh, don't worry, Danial. I have discombobulated the blue and red wires. The RAM should convert to the hard drive in no time (insert nerdy laugh here.)"

Post #2

[Boredom]

Ok Official Post 1...

People, technology is everywhere today. For instance, I saw a commercial for electronic underpants. Underpants, people! What are they going to do? You push a button and they open or something? Push two buttons, and a little computer chip says “Changing underpants color from red to blue”? Personally, I wouldn’t mind Electronic Underpants if they folded themselves and put themselves away. I mean, that’s actually useful, not like changing colors on your underpants! I wouldn’t mind having electronic money or something, just because I loose my money so often. But you’d have to train the money to your scent or something. I’d just love it if my money could walk it’s way back to me. Or if it called on attack dogs to maul the thief that stole my fifty bucks.

[dvm]

#3 - just for fun.

Yesterday my computer caught a virus.

I know, I know. By now I should know better than to ever open an email I don't recognize but, in this day and age, I don't recognize a damned thing! After I sift through the eight million new emails I get daily, I'm lucky if my eyes will focus long enough to get me from my desk to the restroom.

The subject line of the email promised me a "firmer behind". You have to understand. I need a firmer behind. The IRS has kicked me in mine so often that I could use a little help to absorb the repeated blows.

Within seconds of downloading the attached image (Shut up. I needed to KNOW what my firmer behind would look like) my computer screen began to snap, crackle and pop so hard I went running for the milk. Cereal AND a firmer behind. I was pretty excited by this fortuitous turn of events.

By the time I return with my bowl and my spoon my friends from Kelloggs had been replaced by a huge yellow smily face complete with fangs and a short, scrolling message.

"Hacker Z has claimed your machine. Prepare to die."

Prepare to die. That was supposed to be a threat? Was that to send me scurrying to the local bomb shelter in an effort to save my soul? Not in my house, Mr Z, and let me tell you why.

I have four kids. That's right. Four. If I haven't died already, or willingly tossed myself from a nearby overpass, chances are your virus won't even be able to touch me.

You want to see a virus? You want to see something out of control? Come to my house. Between picking bologna slices off the walls and trying to explain to my neighbor why my toddler has shaved her dog YET AGAIN there is nothing you can do short of a nuclear weapon that will touch me.

Virus, my ass. If a hacker really wanted to do some damage, he'd send me a program that would shoot a feverish two year old out of my monitor when I downloaded it.

Now THAt would be something to be afraid of.

OMFG!

[senrik]

official Post #3
Anyway with techology the way it is in this recession, at least we finally figured out what to call most IT guys nowadays... 'oh, waiter!'

Technology is in the toilet, I mean really... Did you hear about this invention that Microsoft was coming up with... the iLoo. Literally, a toilet with a World wide web scope.
I mean would anyone really want to use this thing more than once? Who cleans this thing? I guess I would be interested, seeing that its one of the only times I leave my computer desk.... just need to patch an IV and I'm good.
Only thing is the iLoo really blows, I mean every other flush crashes, or pushes the water up, I mean, this is microsift we are talking about... talk about needing a bigger pipe...

[dvm]

Mr. T, I now have three posts entered. That's it for me.

Mr. T

[dvm]

Ok Official Post 1...

People, technology is everywhere today. For instance, I saw a commercial for electronic underpants. Underpants, people! What are they going to do? You push a button and they open or something? Push two buttons, and a little computer chip says “Changing underpants color from red to blue”? Personally, I wouldn’t mind Electronic Underpants if they folded themselves and put themselves away. I mean, that’s actually useful, not like changing colors on your underpants! I wouldn’t mind having electronic money or something, just because I loose my money so often. But you’d have to train the money to your scent or something. I’d just love it if my money could walk it’s way back to me. Or if it called on attack dogs to maul the thief that stole my fifty bucks.

YOU ARE ON FIRE!!!!! AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME!

[senrik]

FYI, everything in my three official posts is actually true... Except the huster thing. that was just for fun.
I think thats my three posts.

[dvm]

What about a technoligical reality show. "Life Of a Computer Genius" A camera crew follows a nerd around on a daily basis. "Yes, Douglas. We seem to have a problem routing the main hard drive to the RAM. The blue wire does not connect and then we can not get the computer working, and you know I will die without a computer!" "Oh, don't worry, Danial. I have discombobulated the blue and red wires. The RAM should convert to the hard drive in no time (insert nerdy laugh here.)"

Post #2