+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: FORTcon 2004 Reports

  1. #1
    LG. is offline
    FORT Writer LG.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    frozen tundra

    FORTcon 2004 Reports

    What I Did During My FORTcon Vacation, by LG.

    The Sears Tower vs. John, the Admooooonistrator

    Sears Tower Chicago, Illinois, USA
    John Same, for FORTcon, or wherever clients need tech support that for some reason can’t be done over the damn phone

    Date of inception:
    Sears Tower 1970 to 1973
    John A slightly shorter gestational period, ending in 1970. Coincidence? We think not!

    Sears Tower $150 Million
    John Well, FORTcon was rather pricey, but not quite that much.

    Sears Tower 1,454 feet
    John Looks about the same from my perspective.

    Sears Tower 110
    John John has plenty of stories. Did he tell you about the time that UncleScott just about landed on his face in the train, proclaiming “look, no hands!”? How about hanging out in Phat’s bed at 4 am. Whew, he has stories.

    Sears Tower Steel
    John Largely water, beer, and hair gel.

    Odd Facts About Height and other Fun Facts:

    Sears Tower *Despite the fact that the decorative spires on the Petronas Towers make that building 33 feet higher, the Sears Tower still boasts the tallest occupiable floor and the tallest skyscraper roof in the world.

    John *John gets asked stupid questions about his height and hears “how is the weather up there” an average of 33 times per day when he is out in public more than 8 hours per day. No wonder he works from home so often. Here’s a tip, folks. The weather is just the same, but the view is better (unless of course the view is from the back seat of a Ford Pinto).


    Sears Tower * The Sears Tower contains enough concrete to build an eight-lane, five-mile-long highway, enough steel to build 50,000 automobiles, and enough telephone wiring to wrap around the world 1.75 times.

    John * John hasn’t owned 50,000 automobiles, though he did purchase a new car last year on the spur of the moment when he brought his old car in for repairs. Aggressive salesmen are apparently very happy to see John enter the dealership. If anyone was particularly annoying and didn’t come back from FORTcon, don’t dredge Lake Michigan for someone wearing concrete goulashes. We’re not THAT kind of website. There is enough telephone wire leading to John’s house that the Mods track him down night and day when the site goes down.


    Sears Tower * On a clear day, you can see four states -- Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Michigan -- from the Sears Tower Visitor Skydeck.

    John * At the initial FORTcon, John met FORTers from Colorado, Texas, Minnesota, Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, Illinois, California, Massachusetts, Ohio, Virginia, Kentucky, Arizona and Georgia, and wherever the heck Unk is from.


    Sears Tower * At the very top of the building, the maximum wind drift is just one foot.

    John * When walking as a group through Navy Pier, the maximum windblock distance in the “arm-link for heat” that encircled John was a scant 2 inches.


    Sears Tower * Six roof-mounted robotic window-washing machines clean all 16,100 windows on the Sears Tower.

    John * John could use six robotic arms to try to keep up with all of the threads at the FORT. Well, four for typing and one for a cigarette and one for coffee. He has priorities, you know.


    Sears Tower *The Sears Tower is actually a bundle of nine tubes, and is considered one of the most efficient structures designed to withstand wind. This is a great design for a skyscraper in Chicago, the "Windy City," where the average wind speed is 16 miles per hour.

    John * John is probably NOT a bundle of nine tubes, although close inspection was not undertaken at Fortcon. Nevertheless, he proved to indeed be an efficient structure in the wind-withstanding category, standing tall and unflinching in the near-gale wind as much more miniature Forters huddled around his base to keep warm.

    **** extra shout out thanks to Wayner for his photoshopping skills and to Lucy for the FORTcon facts, and Phat32 for the inspiration.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  2. #2
    The race is back! John's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    On the mat
    I hear "did you play basketball in college?" a lot more. Oh, and don't forget the story of me throwing my cellphone in the toilet. That's a keeper!

    Great story, LG/phat/Lucy!

  3. #3
    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    in the kitchen, darling!
    I'm committing these factoids to memory!
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

  4. #4
    daydream believer oneTVslave's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    in the hizzy
    That was excellent! Very funny, LG, Wayner, Lucy, and phat!
    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
    - Albert Einstein

  5. #5
    clap clap clap sleepysluggo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    in oblivion
    Great story, folks! You gotta love the power of Photoshop.

  6. #6
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    right behind you
    I love this
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    John * At the initial FORTcon, John met FORTers from Colorado, Texas, Minnesota, Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, Illinois, California, Massachusetts, Ohio, Virginia, Kentucky, Arizona and Georgia, and wherever the heck Unk is from.
    Don't forget Denmark! Great report!

  8. #8
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    In the Limelight
    Funny stuff! I'm standing next to John next time there's a lightning storm.

    Great work LG, Wayner, Lucy, and Phat!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
    Relive every beautiful moment of America's Next Top Model...Click here for links to prior season recaps & interviews.

  9. #9
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    That is too funny. But if you're including those decorative spire thingies in the height of the Tower, to make it statistically fair and all, I think you should measure John's height while he's wearing his cow head.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  10. #10
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    in the middle of the Monsoons
    That was some good shi.....stuff, LG, PhatDaddy, Lucy and Wayner.
    "Among the blind, the squinter rules." ~ Gerard Didier Erasmus

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.