Why? Oh God, why? Why does this show live yet another week? In keeping with the timely (albeit tragic) theme of the Passion, instead of a televisual Garden of Eden as FOX so impudently promises, this show is, instead, a Gethsemane of suffering for beleaguered pool recappers such as I. It is a cruel joke to this good Catholic girl on Good Friday. As tempting as it might be to type QWERTYASDFG repeatedly until the end, it did occur to me that there might be one, maybe even one and half, people out there who might actually read this post. So this recap, dear reader, is dedicated to you.
As the show opens with the obligatory retread of past episodes, I am greeted with the peculiar feeling that what I am gazing upon is completely foreign yet completely familiar at the exact same time. I finally realize that it’s because, although I’m looking at a bunch of people I’ve never seen before, they are doing a bunch of things I’ve already seen on every other reality show in existence: carouse in swimwear in the sun-dappled waters of some exotic tropical locale, scheme and discuss “the game” with much seriousness and self-importance, cheer and cry and swear with pixilated mouths, all the while backed by a generic musical score that I’m convinced FOX and UPN shares for all their shows. The only useful information I receive is that the Edenites suspect some new guy named “Chris” of being homosexual based solely on the fact that he calls some chick out for wearing pink pumps. Um, maybe he just has…a modicum of taste? Then some short obnoxious dude who looks like “Jonathan” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Evil Nerd Trifecta returns, and some hunky black guy is banished leaving a chunky blonde broad, who needs to get her roots done, sobbing like a Star Jones at the news that the kitchen just ran out of all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.
After the intolerably awful theme song and opening credits, the show proper begins with Eden’s inhabitants gathering together. Some beaver-toothed lad (why don’t they use name captions for this bloody show?!!) hugs the chunky blonde broad in consolation over Michael (last week’s hunky banishee) having left. Chunky blonde (Kassie, I discover) says she would’ve given him all her money for him to stay. If he felt one-quarter the pain I do just watching this show then, Lady, no amount of money could possibly have kept him there. More smarmy people come over to embrace her, including one David, an exceptionally unctuous-looking young man, who says that he knows that Kassie and Brooke are conspiring to have him banished. He tells Kassie and some other chippy (Brooke?) that, he doesn’t want them to think that “Just because Liz and I are an item doesn’t mean that she’s making my decisions for me.”
The inordinately large-chompered Matt comes over to the bar to kiss Kassie’s ass, whom we’ve learned is the richest female ass on the island now. He massages her, and proclaims, “34 G’s” which is either her bra size or the amount of Eden money she now has. Wallace, who looks like Screech and Woody Harrelson had a lovechild with Feria highlights, is also at the bar, bemoaning the fact that Michael left, leaving them with Jason. We meet Jason at the pool table, where he does a few moves proudly displaying his “badunk-adunk” that make me question whether he’s the real queen of this sock hop. Just after expressing her deep disdain of “Donkey Kong” Jason, Neveen (face permanently set into an expression of having just smelt something foul) is taunted by Chompers to kiss the object of her abjection. They engage in a war of words resembling some of the sharpest repartee I’ve seen this side of my elementary school lunchroom. Appropriately, Jason seems to be growing sweet on the girl whose pigtails he’s figuratively yanking when he says, that Neveen’s “a nice girl and she’s actually starting to grow on me a little bit.” Two hours pass (elapsed, even though it feels like real time) and the delinquent duo are still going at each other, until Brooke steps in to break up the fight.
Later that night, Brooke and Wallace talk about how annoyed they are with Jason. We also spy on Liz and David with the night vision. She acts like a royal cooz, and David appears a little unnerved by her strong opinions and brashness, perhaps worried about the way it reflects on him. Matt asks Kassie if she finds him attractive, and she says that no, he’s too cocky (read: your gimungous dentures are freaking me the hell out), but she does say that Eden would not be the same without him because he’s so funny (i.e. his enormous overbite is a laugh that does not grow old no matter how many times you look at his blinding dentition). He asks her about “the vibe” and if she wouldn’t be mad if he put a move on her. I’ve seen smoother moves on a Parkinson’s sufferer holding a vibrator in an earthquake, and yet somehow his ploy works and he and Kassie are snogging by the end of the night. How she’s not scared of being decapitated by his guillotine-like incisors is beyond me.
Morning: one the beach, Brooke and Kassie ogle the Wallace as he kayaks. My husband wakes me up, and the next thing I know it’s evening and the crew are drinking and playing pool. Is that all these people do around here? Pass me an apple, dude, Eden is frickin’ boring! Chris and Kassie ogle Wallace as he shoots pool. The crew head out to the outdoor hut/dance floor to do show off the latest dance moves like: “Fish Dying Out of Water” and “The Drunk White Man’s Pump.” Chris, sans shirt, gets in freak sandwich between Wallace and Matt. As the rest of the inebriated Edenites start jumping into the pool, Chris confesses to having no problem “looking at” Wallace.
David carries Liz off to the bedroom for what I’m sure will be a game of pinochle, while everyone else gathers at, where else in this lame hellhole, the bar. Don’t you hate it when you show up to the party in the same outfit as someone else? Chris and Wallace show up at the bar, both dressed only in their robes, and the lushes laugh lewdly. At the end of the evening, a slo-mo zoom shot reveals Wallace and Chris man-hugging, but with a suspicious slip of Chris’s hand onto Wallace’s “badunk-adunk.” Kassie inelegantly “outs” poor Chris, who retreats to his room alone (he does have too many different shoes lined up neatly under his bed to be a straight man), and reveals his crush on Wallace. The drunk heterosexuals laugh cruelly, and Wallace throws a fit about how “this is very far from funny.” They then play a flashback montage of every but of physical contact Wallace and Chris have had every look exchanged. “This is really freaking me out,” Wallace says. Methinks the lady doth protest too much! Then, just like a spooked-out closet queen, he punches at Matt after Chompers makes one more lame attempt at homo-innuendo. Then, to prove what a “straight guy” he is, he hooks up with Brooke, but not, of course, before he calls her from someone else’s room, in front of Matt & Kassie, like he needed a witness. As he sucks face with Brooke, I’m thinking WHOA, EVERYBODY LOOK OVER HERE AT HOW STRAIGHT WALLACE IS!!! I’VE NEVER SEEN A STRAIGHTER GUY IN MY LIFE! NO NEED TO DOUBT HOW STRAIGHT AND MASCULINE WALLACE IS! HE IS THE PARAGON OF ALL STRAIGHTNESS.
Jordan, whom I forgot existed, is not surprisingly alone, performing his nightly ablutions. He appears to be putting on zit cream and balding medication. It’s so sad I could cry. Neveen is upset because now that Kassie is with Matt, she has to sleep alone, and she says she has never slept alone in a bed, “nowhere, ever, it scares the living [censored] out of me.” Shut up, you whiny bitch! You’re an adult, deal with it! There are vomitous shots of Liz and David skroaking, followed by an equally vomit-inducing shot of Jessica Simpson wannabe Claudia reading The Holy Bible, talking about her morals. If she was so concerned about morals, why be anywhere near a FOX show? Or did she confuse this with the actual, biblical Garden of Eden? Wallace, post-whatever in bed with Brooke, asks her to tell people that he just came and cuddled. In the confessional, Closet Case admits, “Was she a scapegoat? Yeah.” This much, of course, is obvious.
The next day, after a game of volleyball, at lunch Neveen gets very third wheel with Kassie and Big Tooth. Matt is clearly annoyed and Neveen walks off with Kassie, leaving Matt alone. Later that evening, everyone goes to the pool room, where Brooke and Chris are about to play a game (they have got to get more locations for this show) and Chris confronts Brooke like a jealous wife over Wallace, asking her, “How was it?” Chris, why are you in this heterosexist slag pit when you could be in West Hollywood doing shots off an International Male model on the bar of the Motherlode? At dinner, Wallace wears an incredibly gay shirt open down to his pecs and talks boisterously about being Brooke’s room the night before. He even leans over and gives Neveen a kiss. Alright already, we get it.
Matt confronts Kassie about her obnoxious friend Neveen’s cock blockage, and Kassie appears torn between her friend and her tombstone-toothed lover. Wallace takes Chris aside for a chat and stands very close to Chris saying he’s attractive, has a great body, and pays attention to detail—just when it looks like Wallace is going to plant a smooch on the guy, he says “Whatever you do, brother, it’s cool with me, it’s just not my thing.” Tease.
The door to Kassie’s room has both Neveen’s and Kassie’s names up on the door. Matt tells her to kick Neveen out. “I told her,” Kassie says. Neveen is in her PJs in Kassie’s bathroom, sticking zit cream or something in a constellation on her face. She walks out and insolently says, “You both know how I feel about you sleeping in my room.” Neveen admits she’s jealous. Meanwhile, Brooke is hollering for Wallace all around the complex like she’s calling for a pig, which really isn’t far from the truth. When she finds him, she invites him up to her room. Once she’s out of earshot, he mumbles to himself, “Not a chance.” He confesses that his plan wasn’t going well, “She was just a cover, now I’m in trouble.” He says that he’s only here to make some money, and that Brooke was just a “warm body” to be next to. Then, inscrutably, he decides to invite her to his room, adding that if anyone sees her on her way there, she must turn around go back. If I cared enough, I would be very confused right now.
Next day: relay race to see which team would become the winners’ slaves. Again, not caring, let’s just say it was like a pisspoor version of survivor. Jordan’s team wins, and he decrees that the losing girls must wear lingerie to dinner, and the losing boys (Matt, Chris & Wallace) must wear dresses. The host, Ruth, arrives to tell them that later today they will be meeting under the “Tree of Truth.” Each person must write a question that someone else will be required to answer truthfully. Lame, but better than the “Pool Table of Truth” the producers had initially planned.
At dinner, the fashion show begins. Chris comes out in a skirt and off-the-shoulder-shirt. Haha, men in women’s clothing, very funny, whatever. Claudia comes out in a bra and biker shorts. Very unflattering, without clothes she looks like a peeled pear. Brooke is in a slip, Wallace comes out in a pink and black strapless dress, and Matt is in a hot pink ruffled skirt and fishnets. Neveen laughs horribly and taunts him throughout dinner.
Oh yeah, Truth Tree time. The first question is for Liz: did she really make comments about Kassie’s stomach? Flashbacks say yes, and Liz confirms it to Kassie, with a wink. The next question is if Wallace has a real sexual desire to be with Brooke. Brooke acts embarrassed, although you know she’s happy someone asked it. Wallace says yes, Brooke winks at him (what’s with the winking around her?). Claudia is asked which girl she trusts the least, and she says Brooke, with a longwinded explanation I don’t care about. David is asked about who told him Kassie & Brooke wanted him off the island, and he says it was Liz. There’s a big to-do over it that I don’t care about either. Even the producers don’t care, because we don’t hear any of the other questions and it cuts straight to everyone at the bar again.
The Tree of Truth has rattled everyone’s nerves. Wallace talks to Jordan, who admits he wrote Wallace’s question, saying “You know I have a girl, I told you that.” Kassie and Brooke snipe on Liz. David basically tries to tell Liz that she shouldn’t be such a royal biaaaatch, but she won’t listen to reason. Everyone gangs up on Claudia makes her cry, leading her to say that she came to the “overwhelming realization that Eden is evil.” Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying all along here, sister. There are more petty arguments, I’m sure but I’ve passed out again.
When I come to, I find we are blessedly in the home stretch. There is a new arrival in Eden, 21 year old Michelle from Brooklyn, who is apparently smuggling two Nerf balls in her tube top. The men eye her hungrily. She burns a picture of her with her sister, the one thing she’ll miss the most from the outside world, and she says that she’s going to say whatever she thinks (I hope this means she’ll be mute). The girls look on in horror. There is a confessional shot of Michelle in egregiously awful makeup (Chris, please help her, she needs your Queer Eye!), saying that she’s not here to make friends, she’s here to win and “God forbid anybody gets in my way, I will make everybody’s life here miserable.” Well, my life is pretty much shot! That’s it, I hereby banish myself from Eden forever.
Questions? Comments? Invented a time machine that will allow me to regain the precious hours of my life I spent recapping this dreck? Contact me at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com