Welcome to another episode of Forever Eden, newly moved to Friday nights, until Fox decides to move it to Tuesday nights, or Saturday mornings, or Wednesdays at noon.
I’m Lucy, and I drew the short straw this week, so I’ll be your guide through this skank-fest. We tried to convince Mantenna to start recapping this show regularly, since he did such a lovely job last week, but he stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing the Macarena at the top of his lungs. Eventually we had to just give it up.
So I’m here, and you’re here, and we might as well do this thing. Did everyone go to the bathroom? Because I’m not stopping this trainwreck.
Right, let’s get going.
Fifteen Minutes of My Life I Will Never Get Back
After a lengthy recap of what happened last week and a brief volleyball scene, we jump right into the action, which appears to revolve around something Liz said about Kassie’s tummy. Jason tells Kassie that Liz said Kassie is jealous because she doesn’t have a flat stomach like Liz does. Kassie thinks Jason is deliberately trying to stir up stuff, but it seems to have worked; Kassie’s irked at Liz and tells the others, “don’t talk about me being fat or I’ll whip your ass.” What a classy girl. Klassy with a K. But I’d like to take a moment here to note that Kassie is NOT a fat girl. And I would point out that my own personal vision of paradise is not one in which any woman not built like a bony stick-insect is considered a whale. In fact, my own personal paradise would not include any bony, stick-like women. Of course, it would also not include any of these annoying Edenites.
Returning to anti-paradise, Kassie says she makes a living onstage – as a singer, people, get your minds out of the gutter – and that it’s rude and malicious for anyone to make fun of her appearance. Kassie goes to confront Liz, who tells her Jason is a pot-stirrer, and denies saying it. We’re shown Liz saying to Jason, “I’m sorry my stomach’s flat, sweetheart.” We’ll keep seeing this clip every time Liz denies having said it.
Why we have devoted more than three seconds to this is beyond me, but it’s still not over. Liz confronts Jason. Kassie’s there too, and if I were rude and malicious, I’d have said something about her cleopatra eyeliner and tacky earrings and choker, leading up to a point about someone looking like a hooker. But I’m not that rude.
Liz says she was being facetious, possibly the longest word used so far in Eden. It elicits a blank stare from Jason, and Liz snarkily offers to define it for him. Liz also points out that no one has been more about her body than Jason, and demands that someone “take me away from this idiot.” Take me, too.
Beef: It’s What’s for Dinner. With a Side of Screw You
Off to dinner, Liz passes Simon the Waiter and warns him not to seat her next to “Meat,” her term for Jason. She tells us Jason comes across as a “lifting weights, protein shake, Creatine-drinking meatball.” Sounds pretty accurate to me. He sure doesn’t seem like the Nietzsche-reading, vineyard-touring, opera-attending sort of meatball.
Jason defends himself to Neveen and Michael, and in the bathroom, Kassie and Brooke are STILL trying to figure out whether they believe Liz or Jason. I’m still trying to figure out why we’re still talking about this.
Alone at the table, Jason has begun feeling sorry for himself. Strapping a saddle on the pity pony, he says he thought he’d fit in and he doesn’t, and gives us a quick sob story about when he was a kid bouncing between parents and he’d wait with his suitcase for his mother to pick him up and she’d never show up. He’s used to being an outcast, he says.
Wallace tells Jason he made himself into an outcast by causing trouble between the girls.
Dolce and Yo’mama
Hark, a new guest approacheth! The Edenites are told the next guest knows everything about them and has been here all along. I would think that knowing everything about these people would send the potential guest running away screaming, but evidently our mystery person is a glutton for punishment. So what’s the mystery? Is Neveen really a man? Is our bland host-girl – her name is Ruth, if anyone cares. Yeah, I had to look it up. -- going to become a guest? No. Eden’s next guest is – surprise! -- Simon, the waiter. He’ll go from handing out gold coins to receiving them himself. Simon strips off his waiter smock to reveal a snug black tank-top and a pretty decent chest. His real name is Chris. “Tricky, tricky!” Liz says, waggling her finger at him.
Chris is given his own gold coins, and the apple, whose size bears absolutely no relation to any apple found in nature. Over-compensating for something, perhaps? Chris has the power to bring back one of the people who have been banished. And he must decide tonight. One would think the banishees would have gone on with their lives, but apparently they’re just sitting around outside the borders of Eden, waiting to be let back in. Perhaps they’re playing cards, or charades, or making shadow puppets.
Anyway, Ruth the Hostess warns the group to “be careful what you wish for” and wanders off. The group decamps to, not surprisingly, the bar. There they start the process of treating Simon/Chris like a person instead of a waiter. Kassie announces she always wondered why he was “the only white server.”
The Edenites want to know what Chris thinks about them. Chris says Matt’s a character and is all over the place. He likes that David tailors his shirts. Except that he doesn’t – he gets them from thrift stores.
Chris says Neveen is awesome but off the wall, but he’ll never take her out to dinner. Neveen laughs with the group, but privately throws a hissy-fit and says she’d never look at a man like Chris twice.
Neveen is also forced to defend those tacky pink pumps again, after Chris says they make her look like a joker. Neveen says it’s not her fault he doesn’t have fashion sense. This from a girl wearing a pink and black striped top, a green skirt and, of course, pink pumps. I have seen better-dressed streetwalkers.
Chris says uh-uh, he does too have fashion sense – the proof, he says, is all the Dolce and Gabbanna stuff in his Gucci suitcase. All that proves to me is that he has expensive taste. And if he can afford that stuff, what’s he doing on a B-grade reality show?
Welcome to ‘Playing it Straight’. Oh, wait.
Heaven forbid a Fox show should allow a gay character to just come out already. We’re treated to a lengthy series of hints that Chris may be Eden’s first gay guest – he says privately that Wallace has an amazing body, tells the group that he’s a fashion whore, and dances around questions about his taste in women.
Not surprisingly, the Edenites’ gaydar begins to ping. Claudia spells it out for us – “I think we have our first non-heterosexual guest in Eden! Which is totally fine.” Matt thinks Chris is bisexual. Wallace says nobody gives a bleep what Chris has in his bleeping suitcase. And Liz would love it if Chris were gay, because maybe he could do their hair. Because of course all gay men *love* to do hair. I’m thinking, if Chris is here to play up any gay stereotypes, and he’s a self-proclaimed fashion maven, maybe – just maybe – he’s a mole planted by Fox’s wardrobe people to Fab-Five the Edenites’ closets. Please, please, let it be so.
Pin The Knife-in-the-Back On The Donkey
Gay or not, fashionable or not, Chris still gets to choose a banished person to bring back, and the Edenites start lobbying for and against the five banishees. Chris finally writes down his choice and says Eden will definitely be a different place come morning.
At breakfast, a log raft comes poling through the swamp. Sure enough, it’s Jordan, who says he’s going to make the best of this second chance. He’s going to show a side of himself people aren’t going to expect. They seem to be expecting a “vengeful” Jordan.
The girls greet him with screams and hugs, while the guys seem a bit more wary. David hopes they’ll get “good, fun Jordan and not evil Jordan.” Matt is convinced Jordan has it in for him, and is very nervous about this twist in the game. As he should be, because before breakfast is even over, Jordan and Chris learn that they must choose one of the guys for banishment.
Now it’s time for all the guys to tell Jordan their version of what he’s missed in Eden, and how whatever’s been happening means someone else should be banished. Jason tries to launch a preemptive strike against the others by telling Jordan he knows the other guys are going to push to get rid of him, because he tells it like it is. Jason also knows he voted to banish Jordan, and expects that puts a big fat target on his back right now.
Wallace does indeed suggest that Jason be booted. He also says Jason is known as the donkey, a word that is always amusing in any context but a bit perplexing here. Why is Jason the donkey? Is it because he is loud and braying, like a donkey? Or is it because another word for donkey is “ass”? Anyhow, Wallace says Jason doesn’t get that everyone’s there to have fun, and that he keeps trying to stab people in the back.
Matt, meanwhile, has been nursing a grudge. He says Jordan promised to give him half his money if he got banished, but reneged on the deal. Matt confronts Jordan in the gym. Where Jordan has sunglasses on, for some reason. Jordan agrees he broke his agreement and is ashamed, and has trouble looking Matt in the eye. “I wronged you, and the only thing I can do is not wrong you twice.” Aw, how heartfelt. Give me a hug, man. Ew, not so close.
Pimps and Hos
Michael, however, is done with the game and wants to go. He came to find himself and doesn’t want to get so deep in the game that he loses more than he’s finding.
Jordan doesn’t want to let Michael go when he could get rid of someone who’s actually irritating. Michael has amassed $28,000 during his stay, and offers half of it to Jordan to be allowed to leave. Why am I reminded of a hooker trying to buy off her pimp? More importantly, why has this show already prompted me to make prostitution references three times?
Jordan polls Kassie and Brooke, who both think David would be a smart boot because he and Liz are a tight couple and they’ll never vote to get rid of each other. Somehow Liz hears of this and tells David the other girls want to vote him out to get to her, out of spite.
Jordan says everyone’s gone absolutely psychotic on him. They’re all trying to manipulate, they’re plotting and scheming and trying to get each other. Oh, the humanity! Earth to Jordan: this ain’t spring break. The cameras aren’t from MTV. You put a group of 20-somethings on a tropical island, ply them with liquor, and promise them cash, things are going to get ugly. They’re not going to sing kumbayah and play tiddlywinks.
Jordan tells Neveen and Kassie that Michael wants to go home, which upsets Kassie. She tells us Michael’s her best friend and she’ll go crazy if he leaves. She then confronts Michael and says if he leaves, she’ll be the next girl to go, and she needs the money. He offers her his half. She jokingly offers to make out with him if he’ll stay. I mean, I guess that was a joke. I know anytime someone tries to seduce me with the suave line, “ok, you wanna make out?” I consider it a joke. Maybe that’s just me. At any rate, Michael laughs, and tells us Kassie was raised in a racist southern town, but isn’t racist herself, and that’s awesome. He’s so glad he met her.
Pillow Talk. And Talk. And Talk.
Brooke and Kassie are lying in bed talking about who they flirt with. Brooke says Kassie flirts with Michael, and Kassie says she does, but she wouldn’t do act on it. “I’d like him if he was white,” she says blithely. “That’s so bad. I like him anyways, it’s just not ever going to happen with me and my family.” Hm, if she’d said that to Michael, methinks he’d change his tune about awesome, nonracist southern Kassie.
Brooke says Liz and David have a strong bond and she wants to break it. Neveen, Matt and Jordan wander in, and are talking about the Liz/David thing while we see a shot of Liz and David making out in a different bedroom. Matt takes it upon himself to go bust in on them, and leaves saying he’s going to tell everyone else. Now, I have watched this tape far too many times, and I still can’t figure out what Matt reports back to the others. But I think he says there is no sex going on in there. At any rate, Liz seems pretty upset to be caught doing, well, whatever it was. I’d be upset if I didn’t know how to operate a door lock, too.
It’s Like Camp David. Only Not.
Jordan and Chris are mulling their options. Jordan notes that Michael wants to go home, and that he also has a lot of influence over several of the girls. But on the other hand, Jordan wisely points out, do they really want to have to sit and listen to Jason for another week? Also, David is still an option, since he and Liz are close and some of the girls want Liz to be voted off, and think booting David is a first step.
Cut to Michael and Kassie, who’s crying and is still trying to convince Michael to stay. She says she won’t last long without him, and he’s more than a friend, and reminds her of her dad, because he cares a lot about her.
Back in the pool room, we’re again caught in a he-said/she-said debate. I swear, I could have recapped half this show with the following lines:
Person A: “I heard you talked bad about me.”
Person B: “No I didn’t. Who told you that?”
Person C: “I did, and you did talk bad about him/her.”
Repeat in circular fashion, ad nauseum.
Anyway, in this particular such exercise, David says he heard that Kassie and Brooke want him banished, but he won’t tell Kassie who told him. Kassie says whoever told him that lied.
Discussing the situation elsewhere, Jason says, “There’s camps everywhere around here. It’s Camp David.” Um, no, Jason. It’s really not. But thanks for playing.
Apart from the rest of the group, Kassie asks Michael if she should just go off. He advises her that going off would, indeed, be a good option. More advisable, perhaps, than “breaking bad” or “opening a can of whoopass.” So Kassie goes back to David and admits what she said – if she was a guy, she’d consider David a threat. Michael says he’s tired of the whole process, and Liz pipes up to suggest he just leave, then. Michael says he wasn’t talking to her, and this brief flare-up dies down. David, meanwhile, thinks he’s being used as a pawn to get someone else back. Kassie can’t imagine who she could possibly want to revenge herself upon. The helpful editors cut to a flashback of Kassie’s reaction to Liz’s flat-belly comment.
Queen of Hell
It’s time for the banishment, and the Edenites have gathered around Ruth. She asks Jordan how it feels to be back, and he again says everyone has gone psychotic while he was gone. “I don’t think this is Eden, I think this is hell,” Jordan says. “Which makes you the queen of hell.” Hm, I could like this theme. They could have a whole Court of Hell. Hopefully it would be like some Shakespearean court, where people are all the time poisoning each other. With people like this, god knows it’s tempting.
Jordan and Chris reveal that they choose Michael for banishment. He’s got to give half his fortune to someone, and Jordan’s got a big grin on his face. Michael walks by him, though, and Jordan nods in resignation. Michael gives the money to Kassie, who is in tears. She’s now the richest person in Eden, and I’m thinking that will make her a big target. She certainly thinks so – she tells us she feels very vulnerable now that Michael isn’t there to have her back.
If It Doesn’t Get Canceled
Next week – again on Friday, set your VCRs now -- Matt and Kassie make out, the group speculates that Chris has the hots for Wallace, and Wallace defiantly declares his heterosexuality by hooking up with one of the girls. But all that will be another recapper’s problem. I’ve helpfully bookmarked the word “hooker” in the thesaurus for whoever has this job next week. I think they’ll need it.
Is your stomach flatter than mine? Tell me to my face at firstname.lastname@example.org