Yes it is that time again when FOX airs one of the worst reality shows on television. I'm the lucky vict . . .err. . . writer that gets to recap the thrills, chills, and spills of our lovely Edenites this week. I will do my best to keep you entertained, but if you drop out at some moment and just scroll to the end to see who gets banished, I will completely understand. No hard feelings. Nope. None at all. I just spent a couple days recording this show, then taking notes, and then agonizing over how to word things correctly and get all the grammar right, but yea, if you honestly just want to scroll down, that's cool. We'll still be friends, and I'll still share my M&M's with you .
Backtrack on the Backstab
After some extensive recapping and shots of the Edenites lounging around talking behind one another's backs, we see the girls comforting Neveen after she finds out Khalilah has given up her place in Eden so Neveen may stay. It is rather funny watching the girls backtrack and try to play off their votes for her. In private, Neveen confesses she is quite pissed and calls the other girls "stupid tramps".
As the group gets together back at the bar, Jordan toasts to Khalilah for her selflessness and hopes they may all behave the way she did. Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the game? I mean if they were to all act selfless, then no one would get banished and no one would have any money? Isn't one of the prerequisites of being on a reality tv show is to NOT have selflessness? I must be one of those "stupid tramps" Neveen was talking about.
Although Neveen is pissed at all the girls, she confesses it hurt most to have Kassie, her roommate, vote against her. She was under the impression they had one another's backs. We see Kassie and Neveen in their bedroom, and Kassie says she's glad Neveen is back and hopes Neveen can forget this little transgression. Something tells me Neveen isn't the non-grudge type.
Like I'm Totally Naked!
As the group gets together for their daily partying and drinking, Jordan is entertaining (or possibly annoying) the group by talking in an English accent. Matt is off with Liz whispering that Jordan needs to go. Liz just tells him to be nice. I guess Matt gets bored with this topic of conversation and decides to start shoving his hands down the back of Liz's pants. She repeatedly tells him no, yet he still finds it appropriate to do this while others are watching and the camera is filming him. If any of these girls charge him with assault, it will be a five minute case just by the evidence on the film. Needless to say the girls find it quite inappropriate and annoying.
Somehow, though, they do not find Wallace and Shawna making out inappropriate as most of them look on and cheer. David is quite disturbed Shawna has chosen Wallace over him, and decides to chat it up with Liz at the bar. They both totally admit that they totally cannot like deal with that make out situation, and Liz is like totally like blushing like a fifth grader. They both agree they are conservative when it comes to "hooking up" with other people, and they need to be in a relationship before anything physical happens.
Meanwhile, Wallace has suggested that everyone get naked together and go in the pool. Shawna, Brooke, Matt, and Jordan take him up on the offer, but just strip down to their skivvies. As they are doing this, David is telling Liz how he used to have the hots for Shawna but he just doesn't trust girls that are . . . "Stripping in the pool?" Liz adds. The look on David's face shows he has gone into Beavis mode at the announcement of this as Liz continues chatting away. You just know he is sitting there trying to think of some way to get up from the bar and make his way over to the pool. He eventually says, "Nah it can be fun, I'm not gonna lie".
More bad luck for David, though. Brooke and Shawna decide to take a shower, and Jordan takes complete advantage of the situation and joins them. Unfortunately there are no Joe Millionaire-esque sound affects, and we are only treated to laughing and screaming. The next morning Jordan goes on about how great the shower was and how many peeks he was able to make. Cut to Brooke saying she thinks of Jordan as a brother and would never consider going out with a guy like that. I believe when brothers and sisters take showers together along with another woman in a sort of threesome it's called incest.
Cheese and Apples
The following day Eden receives a new member. He's a bartender named Jason from Arizona. Jason tells us right away he wants to be the "bad apple" of the group and stir up controversy. He says he always sets the tone and is a leader. All this while he wears a trucker hat backwards, a gray tank top to show off his muscles, and camouflage shorts. Looks like a born leader to me.
As Jason makes his way to meet everyone, the girls are all turned on by his muscles and Jason immediately adds he works at Chippendales and he parties all the time. I find Shawna's reaction hilarious when she says "Really?!" and points and laughs at him. Somehow, though, this encourages Jason to break into pop and lock mode, which looks funny coming from some meathead with a trucker hat on. Matt tries to have some sort of dance off a la Jason Timberlake versus Usher, but fails miserably and ends up looking like Elaine from Seinfeld. Meanwhile Jordan and Michael decide they don't like Jason and start planning his demise. Others agree on their dislike for Jason as he goes off to choose his room. Matt even calls him a "cheese ball".
When Jason enters his room he notices there is a green apple on the bench along with a box containing a necklace. As his brain goes into overload trying to figure out what these things represent, Ruth is to the rescue on the video phone. She informs Jason that this apple brings good. Tonight there will be a welcome party for him and he will be crowned Adam for this week. By sunrise, though, he'll have to give the necklace to one of the ladies and crown her his Eve. She reminds him, though, that every action in Eden has its consequences.
To Banish or Not To Banish
When Jason makes his way back to the rest of the group, he lets the guys in on the secret that he already got an apple. Most of the guys are stunned, and Matt says, "Hopefully it's a bad apple". Jason tells them it's a good apple, and the guys don't seem too thrilled to see Jason have power over them so soon.
Islanders then come bearing flowers for the Edenites to announce their welcome party tonight. They are to make outfits out of the flowers and small pieces of cloth they received. You know FOX did this just to show some skin because later we see Liz trying to paste small green leaves over her breasts as the other girls look on skeptically. Liz replies, "It's not like I have big boobs!". Which is quite true, Liz. It's all about the nipple, alllll about the nipple. Just ask Janet Jackson.
At the party Ruth explains their mission tonight. She announces Jason is going to be crowned Adam for the week and will have to pick his Eve by giving her the pearl necklace. The person selected as Eve cannot refuse, and the twist is that together they will pick the next man to be banished from Eden.
Jason is obviously loving being the center of attention and also having power so early in his stay. He immediately goes off with each girl individually to ask them what they think about being his Eve. The clips show him feeding the same lines to each girl, telling them he finds them the most attractive and how much what they say means to him. What's brilliant is they all reply the same by telling him to go with his gut feeling.
At this point of the recap I want to point out something I got distracted by. Jason's walk. He walks like someone who has too much chaffing going on. His legs are so far apart that he either has something up his butt or he's more endowed than he deserves to be. I'm just sayin'. . .
Anyway, the guys start trying to cover up their former statements about Jason by admitting although he can be a little lame he seems like a nice guy. Matt senses he is in big trouble and starts telling the girls that if he is the one to go to tell him because he just can't handle it and he'll cry. The girls are clearly annoyed by this, and the other guys just let Matt do all the work and hopefully save them from being banished.
Later Jason is confessing on camera that he is sure anyone would want to be his Eve. Between this confession, they show clips of all the girls adamantly saying they have no desire to be Eve. And understandably so, since banishing someone would not put you on the good side of all the other Edenites. Unfortunately for Jason, he has no clue how to play this game.
Jason finally makes a decision and picks Shawna for his Eve. Her expression is as if she's being sold off into slavery, and she doesn't say anything.
The next day Jason and Shawna start discussing whom they should banish. Jason brings up Jordan's name. Shawna only agrees because she thinks he does too much politicking. She then brings up Matt for the same reason and says she knows he's getting on everyone's nerves. Jason lastly suggests Michael because he has the most money and has been here since day one.
No final decision is made yet, and Jordan immediately pulls Shawna aside and starts pushing for her to banish Matt. Seems like this will only strengthen Shawna's initial feelings about Jordan.
A little later, Matt and Jordan are discussing their possible demise, but Matt believes there will have to be some funky twist. He tells Jordan if he is selected and then has to banish someone else, he will spare Jordan. Jordan readily lies to Matt's face and makes a pact with him that he will do the same. They even both decide to give one another their coins should the other be banished.
Later, Jason discusses his options with Matt and Wallace. Matt lies right to Jason's face and tells him he was so excited when Jason came on the show because he is the type of guy he usually hangs out with. Jason explains all the things he needs to think about when picking someone to banish, but then finishes by saying he's leaving the decision up to Shawna.
Bad Apple Banishment
Before the banishment ceremony, the Edenites all sit down to dinner. Shawna sits with all the guys and Jason sits with all the girls. Jason whispers to the girls the initials of who they are thinking of banishing, and it is noticeable the girls are surprised to hear they are considering banishing Michael.
Shawna and Jason meet for one last discussion. Shawna seems to be having a hard time deciding between Matt and Jordan, and eventually says she'll base it on whom she can trust.
At the banishment ceremony Shawna and Jason stand in the middle as Ruth instructs them to say whether a contestant is spared or banished this evening. I feel like I'm in some 17th century kingdom with people waiting to go to the guillotine. Anyway, first up is Wallace and he's spared. David and Michael are also spared, which leaves us to Matt and Jordan. Ruth asks which will it be? Matt or Jordan? And we see Shawna and Jason's lips about to move, but then are forced into a commercial break because come on! this is FOX!
Back from the commercial break, Shawna and Jason announce Jordan will be the one to go tonight. There is a long dead silence and you can see Jordan is waiting for his big twist. Unfortunately for him there seems to be none. He keeps staring in Shawna's direction and eventually says scathingly, "Keep looking forward, sweetheart". Shawna is shocked and just says, "No worries, Jordan". I love it when a reality contestant is so indignant about getting voted off. It's as if they had no clue that is how the game is played.
Ruth tells Jordan he must now decide who to give his coins to. Jordan readily goes back on the pact he made with Matt, and says he gives his coins to Wallace, whom we have yet to learn a single thing about other then he can shove his tongue down Shawna's throat. Interesting decision I think. In his final comments, Jordan says Shawna doesn't deserve to look him in the eye (whatever that means) and she is going to get what she deserves.
The show ends with Shawna crying to Brooke about how hard it was to banish Jordan and how his words hurt. Jason is also trying to patch things up with Michael by explaining why he even considered banishing him, although I must say he is doing a horrible job of it and Michael sees it. And lastly, Matt says although he's been on the chopping block twice he's here to stay!
So if you've made it this far without scrolling, I commend you and thank you for your patience and determination. And please join us next week when Forever Eden will be recapped by the brilliant Lobeck!
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