We open the show with Ruth standing upon the squishy greenery that makes up “Eden”, reminding us that this is a reality show without an end. I find myself screaming “nooooo!” and rocking back and forth on my couch, hugging my little embroidered couch pillow in a desperate and clingy way. I wear corrective lenses, known by fancier people as “glasses”, and I now know that I don’t want lasik if mine eyes must view this type of crap week after week. Thank God for me and for you that some new victi…..er…writer…will be taking this on next week. As for now…..all I can say is….well…I’m sorry.
So up first it’s yoga with some of the women. Ahhh. It looks so soothing that I actually get sucked into a temporary calm. Very temporary. Then they start talking. And talking. And.....talking. And before I know it…………the show’s over. My God what happened? Well, honestly, not much. After taking what feels like endless notes on what can laughably be called conversation, but what I refer to as the buzzing that doesn’t go away, I’ve decided that you’re all going to get highlights. Yeah, you heard me. Highlights. Don’t get medieval on my ass. Had you actually been the one writing down, “so he has nice legs,” and “wow, it’ll be weird to see people go,” and “I like sporks, ‘cause ya get a fork and a spoon,” you’ll be glad I trimmed the fat.
We start with breakfast, where Matt reveals he screwed the pooch by revealing his feelings of ick and ugh towards the Mare-ster. While the rest of the men start talking about the women’s cuddly closeness, Craig chooses to do some kind of rodent impersonation. It has ears. Actually I'm not sure he meant to be rodent-like, but I don't care. I find it far more interesting than the conversation, and Mary narrates over it, telling us that Craig sold her out.
After breakfast…another pointless pool party in the marshy wetlands. Matt suggests man thongs for everyone, and the women comment on the men’s musculature. Shawna tells Matt that Mary’s undies are tight over Craig and Michael’s apparent betrayal by picking her, apparently because she felt like she had a connection with them. Whaaat? She must be hittin’ the crack again, because a connection, I do not see, especially after her comments about the toes and what not from the night before.
Then, as Mary comes out to the pool, we hear dramatic music overhead yet again, and I’m like, “You mean, she wasn’t already there?” Apparently not. Fox is acting like her arrival to this Kool-aid party is a big shocker, and everyone reacts as if it is too, which I just don’t understand. But whatever. I don’t get all the gasping, unless she’s doing the rodent impression Craig treated us to moments ago. We should be so lucky.
Next we’re at a bar. More talking. More…freaking…talking. Matt’s worried about getting sent home. He tries to hustle Mary, which the other men notice, and oddly, Mary does too. Impressive that she notices when she’s being hustled but doesn’t notice when she’s being an ignorant chew toy.
As they get ready for the evening and the eventual apple "council", Matt refers to himself, Michael and Craig as the “triangle of evil,” due to Mary pinpointing their betrayal. He then cleverly changes the title of the show from Forever Eden to Forever Matt because he never wants to go home. If this show lasts, I hope he doesn’t go home either. He’s the least boring individual in this laughable soap opera.
At dinner Mary gets a dig into Matt while Craig shakes his thonged ass at the rest of the women. Matt says he’s excited and Mary says, “about what…your little boat?” cluing us in that she might have heard about Matt's plan to build a boat just to send her home in. Matt’s taken aback but Mary holds firm, telling him he shoulda woulda coulda been nicer to her.
Screw me? Well screw you and your little dog too!!
Next up we arrive at the first ever banishment ceremony, and I’m a little excited that something more than pointless chit chat is about to occur. Ruth beckons Mary to step forward to reveal who she wants to banish from Eden forever….ever…ever. She tells Mary to approach the man she wants O-U-T and give him the envelope she received with her apple.
We’re all supposed to be freaking out in anticipation, wondering who Mary’s picking, and just to help us along in that is Fox with more swelling music and a bouncy slo-mo walk by Mary towards the men. Who will she choose? Who? Oh please tell us who! It’s……Craig!! Craig winces as he unhappily grabs at Mary’s envelope while we quickly flash to file footage of Craig yammering about how he won’t be going home because he’s freakin’ psychic. Back in the “now”, the other guests look completely unglued.
When asked why Craig, Mary says it’s because he has a girlfriend and because he befriended her but then sent her up the river, which to her shows a lack of integrity.
After Ruth finishes telling Craig he’s banished, she pulls out "the big surprise." Along with retribution in Eden, there can also be mercy shown, and Mary can now choose to either banish Craig, or spare him, which to me doesn't make sense because she just got done deciding to banish Craig, and isn't that already her decision??? Ugh. Whatever. She says that Mary must choose a card off this platter that some faceless little gnome holds out for her. One says banish, one says spare, and Mary must select one without revealing it to us.
Before Mary shows us her card, Craig must open his envelope and read the contents aloud. It's a little poem:
"What you sow, is what you reap
and what you give, is yours to keep.
If you have chosen to banish, you too will be banished
If you have chosen to spare him, at the next banishment ceremony, you will be spared"
Oooo…I’ll have to admit that when I heard that, I said, “sweet!” But that’s the only time in the whole show. I swear. Really. Don’t look at me like that.
Ruth asks Mary to reveal which card she chose and Mary’s little fist opens to reveal……the banish card! Ha!!! Apparently Craig and Mary must now hit the road, to be replaced by two new forgetful guests in the near future.
But before they leave, Ruth says they must give half their coinage to a remaining guest of their choosing. Mary picks Neveen, stating that she’s a beautiful person. Craig selects David, but says nothing about his beauty.
Craig’s reaction is pure delight over Mary being sent up the river on the raft she built herself, and Mary has no regrets. Awesome. They’re gone. More people I can forget about. And like that….I do.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board
After the little banishment ceremony, I’m a bit stunned as we watch all the guests react like they just lost a family member or a valued body part. They’re positively flipping out. According to Brooke, Mary was like a mom to her, and according to a sobbing Khalilah, she was really touched when Mary gave Neveen her coins because Mary knew that Neveen needed the cash.
The next moment I actually yell out, “this is so LAME!!” as one of the men actually puts a little piece of notebook paper on Craig’s bed that says, “gone but not forgotten.” Yeah..I can’t believe it either.
They seem to forget Mary rather suddenly, though, as they’re soon gathered at a kind of giggly little slumber party involving all the guests and a bunch o’ sassy little games like truth or dare. The women want Mary’s old room for it’s super huge bathroom, whereas the men want Mary’s bedroom because…well…they just want stuff….and it’s there. After a swift game of 21 fingers, the chicklets win fair and square.
21 fingers leads to a really, really, dull truth or dare sequence. Are you under the impression that this is where it starts to get all juicy? *Ehhh*. <-------buzzer sound. Wrong!! More interesting than the truth or dare game is the huge fluffy pillows they’re sitting on. I want one!! Now!! If you must know what happened: People dare David to kiss Kassie passionately, then they dare Shawna to kiss Michael passionately, and everyone pumps their fists in the air ala the apes in 2001. We find out Michael’s pants are afire for Kassie and they leave together, while Brooke gives Jordan a lap dance and David gives all the girls a lap dance. Despite the lap dances and the kissing, the actual scene itself was total vanilla.
We end the night with various couplings: Brooke and Jordan, Shawna and David, and Michael and Kassie. Not a single one of them strips down and does the *eee—ooo-eee-oooo* <---sound of mattress springs. I’m sorry peeplets. No sex for you!
Due to the lack of sex, smackdowns, or political intrigue, please enjoy yet another recipe. This one for sticky buns, ‘cause at least “buns” is in the title, and maybe you can somehow enjoy that:
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 (12 ounce) package frozen
dinner roll dough
1 (5 ounce) package instant
vanilla pudding mix
1 cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 cup margarine, melted
1 Sprinkle nuts in the bottom of a greased Bundt pan.
Lay frozen roll dough on top of the nuts. Sprinkle dry
pudding mix over the dough, then the brown sugar, then the
cinnamon. Pour the melted margarine over all. Lay a damp paper
towel over the pan and place it in a cold oven over night.
2 In the morning, remove paper towel and place pan in
cold oven. Heat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Bake
at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 25 minutes. Remove
from oven and let sit for 5 minutes, then flip out onto plate.
The next morning the little faceless gnome man greets the guests in hammocks and dishes out more gold coins!! Everyone woops it up and some of them are already drinking. I can’t blame them, I’ve been wanting to drink through this entire episode. I’m surprised my notes are somewhat coherent.
During pointless breakfast chatter where the women hope for a beefy man and the men hope for a woman who parties hard, I’m thinkin’ these people have it so easy. Ahhh…breakfast prepared by an invisible staff. Different than this morning in the Mcdonald’s drive through where the lady held my biscuit hostage until I forked over the cash. She stared at me untrustingly and wouldn’t lure the cheesy delight into my hands until her fingertips rested comfortably on my two one dollar bills. I have no idea what put it into me, but I wouldn’t completely release my two dollars until she loosened her grip on my sack. (Wouldn’t this be funnier if I were a guy?) It was some kind of test of wills, neither of us willing to crack until the other caved. Oddly more tense than this show.
A boat appears in the swamp and everyone’s straining their little neck muscles to see who it is. It’s a dude. Wallace, 28, a pro soccer player whom the women cheer for. He says he’ll do whatever it takes to win outside of cheating. I sense a future dilemma for him. He hops out of the little boat in front of Ruth who tells him to burn up his identity and we see some kind of passport or perhaps driver's license go up in flames. I’m thinking, did they do this last night? I didn’t see it. And can’t they just put this crap in a safe somewhere? Why do they have to burn it? What happens when the show gets cancelled and they have trouble getting back to the high-stakes world of pizza delivery?
The women rejoice and the men all give Wallace the “man hug” i.e. the hug where they *boing* the two opposite shoulders together in a quick little bop so as no genitalia is directly flounced in front of other genitalia.
But we're not done yet! Another raft is floating down the river/swamp containing.......a girl!! Long blonde hair, Elizabeth, a 23-year-old sales rep who the guys all cheer for. She says she’s an overachiever while Matt says it’s gonna be a cat fight, “literally”. Which according to Matt’s poor use of the English language, means that we will actually be witnessing Calicos and Persians smackin’ each other senseless.
Suddenly the music swells again and Ruth descends the stairs of the villa/house/love shack purposefully and guns it over to the women’s breakfast table. For some reason everyone is atwitter. Is it just me, or is anyone else just about bored with everything that happens here? I think the only way they could fire this up would be bring on a celebrity. But as this show seems low-budget, it would have to be somebody affordable and desperate for publicity, like a Surreal Life participant……or Gary Coleman…… (or is that the same thing? Hmm.).
Ruth stands in front of the women’s table and tells them that she knows Craig and Mary’s banishment of the night before comes as a huge shock, but that she must deliver more bad news. *dun…dun..dunnn* One of them….is about…*pause*…to be banished too. *gasp* No way!! Way, dudes.
As the men notice the women’s troubled expressions, Ruth goes on to tell them that the men will soon determine which lady will be ousted. Since the men recently had to select a woman as least desirable, the women must now choose a man who is most desirable. Tough break guys. Here I am wondering why it is that the women get the punch-in-the-throat pain of being tagged with “least desirable” whereas the men get the fuzzy warm glow of “most desirable.” Hmmm. The women have until the end of breakfast to choose.
We end the show with the women seemingly choosing Jordan. The same Jordan who was considered a yard gnome by Kassie, and a sasquatch by the other women.
The most desirable man is crowned, fake tensions are at an all time high, and an emotional revelation leaves them all weeping. Tune in before it gets cancelled.
Eh. Comments to: Shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com