It’s been a long ten weeks. A loooong ten weeks. We’ve seen a lot of fighting, a lot of groping, a lot of screeching, and a lot of tube tops, and it’s all come down to tonight- The Flavor of Love 2 finale show. Who will Flavor pick? Levelheaded Deelishis or cuckoo New York? Well, the show’s an hour and a half tonight, so I’m sure that before the results, we’ll be treated to quite a bit of filler. The producers dive right in with a Flava Flav make out montage. We see all the ladies we said goodbye to earlier this season, and boy do I miss them all.
Let’s get caught up…
When we last left Flav and his ladies, Flav sent Krazy home and told Deelishis and New York to pack for Belize. He was glad to be with done with New York’s mom Michelle, and for some reason refers to her as a test tube baby. I don’t get that.
The ladies are excited about making the finals, and really excited about Belize. New York and Deelishis strut around the parlor like Mick Jagger. Things are happy inside, but we know there is a storm brewing outside, because we saw two weeks ago that Mama New York was intent on forcing New York to come home with her, and away from Flav. Mama New York walks through the door, and right up to Flav’s suite where she tells him that “the game is over,” and Tiffany is coming home with her. Flav has no problem with this- if New York wants to go. He wishes Mrs. New York luck in persuading her daughter to leave the mansion and Flav.
Mama New York confronts Lil New York while she’s topless in the bathroom and is told in no uncertain terms New York is not leaving the competition, because she loves Flav!! I hope I was able to convey how she was screeching that at her mother. Mama New York goes back to tell Flav that she is now allowing New York to go to Belize, but Flav had better not lay his filthy hands on her. Hmmm… I think you’re about a year too late, Mama. She also tells Flav that under no circumstances is he to ask New York to marry him. A yelling fight between Flav and Mama New York ensues, and Flav ends the segment by stating that he does not ever want to see New York acting like her “moms.” Methinks that’s a little bit of foreshadowing.
What happens in Belize…
Flav and the ladies leave early for the airport, where Flav surprises everyone with a private jet! Ooooh, fancy! They all jet off to Belize, and when they arrive Deelishis is a little dismayed to see that Flav and New York are very famous among the Belizean airport staff. Not surprisingly, New York loves the attention.
The Flava gang takes another plane to Placentia, and we’re treated to a little advertisement for the Chabil Mar Villas, courtesy of our man Flava Flav. The place does look amazing, and since yours truly is cruising to Belize in a few short months, I’m pretty excited to see how beautiful everything is.
When the group arrives at the Villas, the staff presents Flav with a cane made of some native Belizean wood, and Flav announces to the ladies that he’s going to make his decision while they’re all in Belize, meaning someone is going to be making the long walk of shame back to LA.
Flav tells Deelishis that he’ll see her in a half hour, and tells New York that he’ll see her the following day. Uh, oh. I don’t think New York is going to take that news very well, and I only hope she doesn’t murder one of the cabana boys in a blind rage.
A Deelishis afternoon.
Deelishis dresses up in her finest skirt made entirely of fringe, and tries to do her hair and makeup while New York is “swinging her nappy-ass weave everywhere.” Deelishis meets Flav on the beach where they share huge drinks, and even huger kisses. They walk along the beach, and I think the two of them are so engrossed with each other that neither of them notices New York glaring at them from between the blinds in a very stalkerish way. She’s really having a hard time accepting that Deelishis is out with her man Flav, and I’m afraid that she’s in for a pretty rough night.
Flav surprises Deelishis with am elaborate tent with large pillows, alcohol, and two massage tables. What more could these two possibly need? Maybe some birth control. They proceed to get friendly on the pillows, and are so wrapped up in each other that they don’t notice when the two massage therapists show up. They continue on and on while the masseuses stand there awkwardly watching. Dee finally comes up for air and notices the women standing there, and she and Flav hop on the tables for some pampering.
While Deelishis and Flav are enjoying some relaxation on the beach, New York is back in the ladies’ suite going absolutely bananas. This woman is seriously off her rocker, and I only hope the suite came complete with a padded room.
Really? She prayed for this?
Flav and Deelishis are hungry after getting massages and making out, so it’s time for dinner! They put on fancy clothes, and Flav leads Deelishis to a nice poolside dinner. Before too long, Deelishis puts Flav on the spot by asking her how he’s feeling about her. He answers that he loves her ass. Oh, he says some other stuff too, but you just know that he’s all about her booty! Flav turns the tables on her and asks how she feels about him. Deelishis replies that she likes his keen fashion sense, and his gold teeth. Naw, I’m just being mean. Her answer was actually kind of moving and heartfelt. Deelishis tells Flav that she loved watching the first season of Flavor of Love, and that Flav showed her it was okay to look for love. She went to church and prayed she would find him, and even slept with a picture of him every night. Then she put on the Xena outfit for her audition tape, and POW! Her prayers were answered!
Something’s been bothering Dee though, and she asks Flav if he’s going to make his final decision based on his feelings or on what will make for good TV. Flav’s said time and time again that he’s looking for true love, and tonight is no different. He assures her that he’s not looking to make good TV.
Not surprisingly, the two end up in Flav’s room, where there is a huge disaster because neither of them can manage to get Deelishis’s dress unzipped. What a tragedy! Flav quickly grows tired of fooling around with the zipper and takes care of business with a steak knife, and the two of them start to go at it. Thankfully we’re spared both video and audio.
Aw, hell to the no!
The next morning, New York is sitting down to a nice breakfast when Deelishis breezes into the suite. She greets New York with a polite “Good morning,” and New York just laughs and laughs. I’m not sure why. New York asks Deelishis to sit down with her and have a civilized breakfast, but Dee is not about to do that because she knows New York is just trying to be evil. She eventually relents, and New York cackles about what a diabolical mind she has, and how badly she is screwing with Deelishis. She sure doesn’t seem diabolical to me though- more like completely delusional.
Deelishis tries to convince New York that she is not her enemy, just her opponent, and New York replies by shrieking that Deelishis doesn’t really care about Flav. Deelishis shuts her down by telling her that her baby daddy is rolling in the dough, and she doesn’t need Flav’s money. She then calls New York a mini Whitney Houston- without the crack. I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Dee. New York is happy with the comparison because Whitney got Bobby, right? Right… oh, they’re getting divorced aren’t they?
New York is just a horrible person. Horrible!
It’s time for New York’s final date with Flav! The ladies get one last Flav-A Gram that says New York should wear her swimsuit. Dare I hope they will be swimming with jellyfish? Flav shows up at the Villa wearing a pink satin suit, (seriously), and on her way out the door New York kindly tells Deelishis that she can borrow her razor to shave her mustache if she wants. That’s really nice. The funny thing is though, I doubt Deelishis is going to go all stalker on New York and Flav during their date. She’ll probably just stay in the villa and read or something. To be fair though, New York probably can’t read, so that wasn’t really an option for her.
New York’s moms is in Belize!
Flav says it feels like old times with New York on his arm as part of the Final Two. For the first part of their date, he’s arranged a cruise on some sort of boat. Is it a yacht? I’m sorry- I’m not very good with boats. New York is not very good with boats either, or water, so I’m sure she’s in for a fun afternoon. Flav is excited that there’s a trampoline on the front of the boat, and again, I don’t know a lot about boats, so I don’t know if he’s just pulling my leg. And New York’s. Flav and New York use the “trampoline” to –what else- make out, and when Flav decides they should go inside, we see that New York definitely does not have her sea legs. She has to crawl on her knees, and I could make a joke about how this is not the first time New York’s been on her knees in front of Flav, but that would just be too easy. Flav calls her “too dramamtical,” and I think that is a perfect description.
The two go inside to drink champagne, and New York comes right out and asks if Flav slept alone last night, and if not, who did he sleep with? Flav snaps back that it wasn’t New York, so it’s really not her concern. Oh, but she is concerned. New York says it’s her right to ask any question she wants, but Flav shuts her down and tells her she’s acting jealous, and a lot like her moms. Flav doesn’t like this side of New York, and she decides to shut her mouth and keep quiet… for about five seconds. The next thing out of her mouth is some drivel about how she’s going to plan their life together, and Flav will be happy, but she will be in charge. Now, I may not be an expert on relationships here, but I’ve watched enough of Flavor of Love to know that Flav is not really into women who want to control him. I would have thought New York might have picked up on this too.
Flav tells us he should have pushed New York off the boat for that comment, but she can’t swim, and he was not about to dive in after her ass. What a chivalrous guy! Flav tells New York she’s starting to scare him because he’s seeing how much she acts like her moms, but New York is completely clueless, and just keeps babbling! She finally realizes he’s not happy with her, tries to backtrack, and tells him that he’s the man in the relationship. Flav’s just not feeling her though, and jumps into the water in his chichi suit, just to get away from her for a few blessed moments. New York shortly joins him after donning an orange life vest, (safety first, kids!), and when it’s time to get out, Flav has to do lifeguard duty because apparently the ladder on the side of the boat is just to challenging for New York.
Two out of three ain’t bad…
The water cools Flav and New York off, and now it’s time for another romantical, poolside dinner. They sit down to eat, and New York asks Flav how he’s doing because of the difficult decision he has to make. Flav answers that he’s confused, (I guess it’s hard to choose between Crazy and Booty), and New York takes the opportunity to tell her man how much she loves him and respects him. She insists that she’s a good catch, and tells him again how much she loves him, and Flav replies that he really likes her too. Oh, ouch, New York! Why didn’t he just tell her that he loves her, he’s just not in love with her? He tells her that her mom is totally whacked out, and he really didn’t like that she was acting like her moms on the boat, (I really like using the word “moms.” I don’t know why).
New York cries because she does not want to be sent home a second time, and Flav tells us that he does not want to break New York’s heart a second time. New York announces once again that she loves Flav, and he invites her back to his suite for a “nightcap,” then proceeds to fall asleep in the limo on the short ride back to the villa. Sexy! He tells us he should not have had so much to drink, but I don’t blame him- a fella’s got to do what he can to get through an evening with New York!
When they get back to the villa, Flav excuses himself to use the bathroom, and while he’s gone, New York makes the admirable decision not to spend the night with him. She tells him that it will hurt too much if he sends her own after a night of intimacy, and that she needs him to see beyond their physical connection, because it will be more beneful for them. I’m not sure how to spell that word, since New York made it up, but I tried.
New York walks back to her own suite, and tells us how hard it is for her to deny herself the pleasure of Flav’s flesh. Oh, ick. I was hoping I could get through the finale without dry heaving, but I guess that’s not to be. New York goes on and on and on about how Flav needs to treasure her for more than just sex, and how since she turned him down, he’ll respect her more, and definitely choose her the next night. Then she packs an overnight bag and goes back to Flav’s room because she feels it’s important for her to spend the night with him so that he’ll remember their physical connection. Whaa? This woman is seriously unbalanced!
Save the drama for your mama.
New York is completely confident that Flav is going to pick her, and she offers Deelishis good luck over breakfast. Dee tells us New York is nothing but a crazy, insincere bitch, and is nothing but a whole lotta drama, drama, drama, drama. New York still thinks she’s screwing with Deelishis, but all of Dee’s focus is on Flav and the Elimination Ceremony. New York is also pretty focused on the Elimination Ceremony, and tells us she’ll be damned if Flav goes home with Deelishis. What is she going to kill Dee if Flav picks her? Wait, I shouldn’t even joke about it- it’s not out of the realm of possibilities with Nutty McNutter here.
The ladies aren’t the only nervous ones in the villas- Flav is feelin’ Deelishis, but he’s also feelin’ New York, and he doesn’t want to hurt either one of them.
I’m shocked that the dresses feature halter tops and short skirts!
Flav sends gifts of dresses to the ladies, along with a note telling them to put them on and wait for him at the end of the dock. The women put on the dresses, take a lot of time to make their hair and makeup perfect, and walk out to the dock to wait for the verdict. Both women seem nervous as they sit on opposite ends of a bench, and the weather’s not helping- it’s windy and raining, and the ladies needn’t have bothered with their hair.
Flav takes the final clock out of the room safe, puts on his red suit, and heads out to meet the ladies. Deelishis is nervous, and says that Flav doesn’t deserve a disaster like New York, and New York is confident, but says that if Flav doesn’t pick her, there will be no lovemaking, or baby making for them. Yes New York, I’m pretty certain that’s what it will mean if Flav doesn’t pick you.
I’m actually nervous! I guess I’ve invested a lot in this show.
The Elimination Ceremony is taking place outside, and it is possibly the most dramatic scene ever. The ladies are standing in front of Flav, it’s raining, the wind is whipping their hair everywhere, and it’s thundering and lightening like crazy. I hope everyone is wearing rubber soled shoes!
Flav tells the ladies that there are two diamonds in front of him, and it takes a lot of pressure to make a diamond. Then he drops the diamond analogy and tells them that one must go home tonight, and one will be staying with him in paradise for at least a few days longer. He says a lot of things about New York, both good and bad, and a lot of things about Deelishis, also both good and bad, but finally does the smart thing and presents Deelishis with the final clock.
Awww… it could be a nice moment it New York wasn’t screaming “Why the f*** did you bring me back then?” as the lightening flashes behind her. There’s quite a bit of swearing between Flav and New York, but unfortunately, no one gets spit on and I am slightly disappointed.
Deelishis watches the circus quietly, and New York finally storms off, yelling about how she’s still in the house, and she doesn’t give a f***. Um, New York? I hate to break it to you, but I really don’t think you’re in the house any more. Sorry!
Flav and Deelishis finally have their moment, and Flav tells her he can’t wait to see where they can take their relationship without the cameras following them everywhere. Then he presents her with her very own set of gold teeth, and I have to wipe a tear from my eye.
Well, there you have it! A wild season with a pretty satisfying conclusion. Don’t worry that you’re going to miss you’re Flavor of Love fix though, because in two short weeks, VH1 is airing the reunion show! And I hope they have lots of security.