Welcome everyone. I am so happy that you could join me in viewing one of the classiest shows on television. Last week we saw things that would never make it past the censors on network TV. Flav brought the ladies home to his mansion, the ladies all received their sophisticated nicknames, we saw a little lesbian action, and the show ended with one of the ladies pooping on the floor. You did just read that correctly, someone pooped on the floor. I never thought this show could get more exciting than the spitting incident last season but the poop on the stairs just knocked it out of the park. Let’s all pull on our waders and get ready to wander into this mess.
A Hot, Steaming, Pile of Karma?
Flav is having a hard time getting past the fact that one of the ladies soiled the steps of his beautiful mansion. I can’t really blame him for that. Everyone in the house is curious about what happened. I am curious as well. No one should poop themselves unless they are wearing a diaper. Even if the producers of the show told me I could not go to the bathroom I would have walked off the set and gone instead of living through that humiliation. Anyway, getting back to the show, Spunkeey thinks that Somethin’ was getting a nice dose of karma. I don’t really see how she is but I am guessing that Spunkeey is not really sure what karma means.
Somethin’ is concerned that Flav is going to cut her because of what happened at the elimination ceremony so she leaves her clock outside his bedroom. Flav finds it and is confused by the action. He goes all over the house to find her. She is in the shower, which does not stop Flav. He joins her outside the door as she is inside. He goes on to tell her that next time she has to go to just go. Frankly, I am just shocked that someone needs to tell a grown adult that. I thought it was common knowledge that when you have to go to the bathroom to just go and not soil the floor. Maybe I had crazy rearing compared to this woman? I would like to take a moment and give a shout out to my mom for teaching me this valuable life lesson!
After talking with Somethin’ Flav is going to try and get over the incident. I would like to state for the record, I can’t get over the incident.
What? No Fried Chicken?
Big Rick calls all the ladies to the backyard and delivers their first Flavogram. It tells them congratulations on being the final 14. Later he will be taking them all on a date. They need to remember to show him what time it is because some of them will be leaving later. I hope they all remembered their watches. Big Rick goes on to tell them that they need to pick an item off the menu that they think that Flav will like. I can’t wait to see the hardcore catfight over who gets fried chicken.
The ladies are handed the menu and they quickly figure out that there are 14 items on the menu and 14 of them. That means that they each get one item and that is it. See, I thought that was explained by Big Rick but the ladies must have been confused by it? They each start calling entrées out and it quickly turns into mass chaos. Like dat takes charge of the situation and grabs the menu. She yells out each items and no one responds. As she yells items out the women get even more confused because they do not know what tenderloin, Tartar, mascarpone cheese, pasta, bread, or water are. They eventually work it out and I can only assume a producer with a nice big picture book came on set and showed them photos of the entrées.
Why Stripper Poles Shouldn’t be on Chartered Busses
After the problems by the pool they all go and get ready for their hot group date with Flav. They put on their finest spandex/stripper outfits and board a giant buss that Flav has chartered for them. As soon as they climb onboard they are excited to find out there is a bar and stripper pole on the buss. They immediately get to work on that pole. To some of them I am sure it is a comfort item, a nice reminder of their home life. All the ladies take turns and some are definitely better than others. Toastee steps up to the pole and I am worried. She informs us that she is not wearing underwear. I believe her. Her sensible red spandex dress has holes cut out down the sides and I assume that you would just get a horrible panty line with that dress. I am just assuming…I wouldn’t have any personal experience with an outfit like that. She steps up to the pole and drops it like it’s hot. I say a prayer of thanks to the TV gods that we just received a side shot and not a frontal one. Buckeey thinks that Toastee is a whore or a stripper. For once someone on TV read my mind and then vocalized it.
Dating or Feeling Up the Blind
The ladies finally arrive at the bistro to meet Flav for their date. I feel very dirty already for what I witnessed and I am scared because I am only 20 minutes into the show. Flav decides he is going to be blindfolded so that he can get to know the ladies without looking at them. I can’t really blame them but to be fair the ladies shouldn’t have to look at him either. He will spend 10 minutes with each girl and the 3 that he gets to know the best will get an individual date with him the next day. Flav ties on his blindfold and I wish I had one as well.
He sits with each girl and they try and get him to eat the food they ordered. Flav is not into fois gras, escargot, or scallops. He is into kissing those nasty women but is against a belly full of snails? Whatever, I would take the snails any day over kissing Flav. As he makes his way through the women they start to get more and more raunchy. They let Flav grab their faces, butts, breasts and nipples. I am about ready to be sick when it officially gets worse. Nibblz straddles Flav for her portion of the date. When her time is up Flav tells us that he can’t stand up because lil Flav was at Aten Hut. I immediately dash to the bathroom and worship the porcelain god. After a good mouth rinse and mind floss I am ready to carry on with the show.
All the dates are over and Flav calls all the ladies around. He has a bucket of KFC and is eating chicken. KFC has to be ecstatic with all the free product placement they are getting from Flav on this show. Every time they show him he is holding a bucket of chicken and eating. Flav has determined the 3 ladies he is going to select. He calls forward Like dat, Tiger and Buckwild. They will go with him tomorrow on a private date. I think Nibblz has got to feel pretty bad for acting like a whore and not even getting paid for it.
On the bus ride home they are a little tamer but Payshyntz decides to put the bar to use and gets a little drunk. In her drunkenness she talks about other men. Some of the ladies are mad because she should be focusing all her attention to Flav. Nibblz also gets called out on her behavior with Flav. She tells everyone that she is a well-adjusted woman who likes to have sex. I hope she uses that line the next time she is looking for a job because it will bring in the big bucks.
Skanks on Land and Sea
It’s the next day and time for individual dates. Flav has put on his finest turquoise silk outfit with a huge clock encrusted with diamonds or cubic zirconias. The winners and Flav all jump in a limo and head out to their date. Flav tells the ladies he is looking for a woman who is understanding. Tiger tells Flav that she wants to get to know him before she professes her love to him and tells him that she wants to carry his babies. I guess I am crazy because I always open dates with “I love you. I can’t wait to have your babies.” Maybe that’s why I’m single. Everything I know about dating I learned from New York last season. Flav eats up what Tiger has to say.
They arrive at some water and Flav tells the ladies he is going to be taking them on boats called “gondoliers.” That is gondolas for the layman. Buckwild and Flav jump into the first one. He is into her and thinks she is a country buck. I think she has a horrible accent and looks like Darlene from Roseanne.
Back at the mansion the ladies are getting a little frisky and decide to have a booty contest. They all stand around and shake their booties. This is what my friends and I do as well when we are bored. It really helps to pass the time. Spunkeey thinks the ladies are nasty and will not participate in their fun. They all agree they have nice booties. I have never used the word booty so much in a recap.
Back at sea Flav and Like dat are out in the gondola now. She is having a nice time and Flav seems to be into her. He likes that she is someone who will be down with her man in the kitchen and walk miles to the grocery store to feed him. Now I may have missed part of this because of editing but I don’t know if he ran that past her or is just guessing. They kiss, drink champagne and eat grapes together. I wish I were drunk so this would be a little less painful.
At the mansion the ladies are feeling even dirtier and decide to play a nice clean game of truth or dare. Nibblz talks about the bright idear they had in playing this game. I wish idear was a typo but that is what she said. Someone is dared to skinny dip and before the clue is finished being read someone is naked in the pool. The next clue has one of the ladies kissing one of the other ladies. They decide to take it a step farther and dare her to kiss another one of the ladies bare butt. This of course is performed and for the second time this evening I attended service at the porcelain temple.
In the gondola Flav is on his late date with Tiger. He is all up on her. They travel under a bridge and the gondolier (not the boat) tells them that it is custom to kiss under the bridge. Flav goes in for the kiss and Tiger turns her head and denies him. She tells him she does not like kissing him after he has kissed other women. She tries to make him feel better by telling him that she is still into him though. Methinks she might be in this for the TV attention.
The dates are over and Flav and the ladies head back to the mansion. Part of me thinks that Flav may have enjoyed staying behind with all the shenanigans that happened while he was away. He informs the ladies that 2 of them will be leaving tonight but he wants to spend time with each of them before he decides.
Doing Whatever it takes to Stay
Flav allows each woman some final time with him. He is having his time with Toastee when she tells Flav that some of the women are not there for the right reasons. She thinks that Spunkeey is only there so she can be on TV. Spunkeey comes in next and is acting all crazy and dancing around to bring attention to herself. Flav becomes skeptical of her.
Buckeey is up next and Flav is feeling her…literally. While he is trying to be with her Wire keeps disturbing them. I feel like I have never seen Wire before. She is up next and is acting completely crazy. After her time with Flav she tells us she experienced every emotion that a human could feel just now. I think she really needs to get out more. Tiger comes in last and she kisses Flav. Flav does not get why she is kissing him now and not before.
While the ladies are getting their alone time with Flav the others are sitting around and talking. Like dat is very skeptical of Buckwild and her ghetto roots. She is going to get to the bottom of it and expose her for the fraud she is. Meanwhile Wire tells some of the ladies that she likes Flav because she wants to have dark babies. The women think she is a prejudice whore. A whore she may be but I think ignorant would be the word they were looking for instead of prejudice.
Removing Trash from the Dump
It’s elimination time and the ladies are nervous. Flav joins the ladies and calls them to receive their clocks. He calls Like dat, Krazy, Deelishis, Toastee, Payshyntz, Nibblz, Beautuful, Buckwild, Buckeey, Bootz, and Tiger. It’s now down to Wire, Somethin’ and Spunkeey to receive the last clock. Flav believes in second chances and gives the last clock to Somethin’.
Wire and Spunkeey’s time is up. Wire does not think she was selected because her and Flav were too much alike. Flav is crazy but not in her psychotic manner. If I were Flav I would have my locks changed on my house. Spunkeey tells Flav she would have f*&%$# him if she had to in order to be able to stay. Flav considers her proposal but ultimately cuts her lose. I think he made a good choice.
The ladies all receive their glass of champagne and Flav pours some on the floor in honor of their fellow whores. They raise their glasses in a toast and I applaud that the show is finally over. I do think if I was forced to take an IQ test right now I would score a good 30 or 40 points lower than what I should.
Make sure to tune in next week to see Krazy hog Flav, Like dat confronts Buckwild, and a mad huge angry catfight. I know as much as I would like too, I just can’t turn away from this train wreck.
If you know what time it is email me at Yardgnome77@fansofrealitytv.co m.