Last week we said goodbye to… who again? Oh, yeah- Thela. We’re one skank fewer tonight, and how does Heather celebrate? By singing a divaliscious version of “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Seriously. She threw some runs in there and everything. I don’t think the other women are impressed and I know I’m not, so let’s get down to business.
Monique tells the ladies to put on their schoolgirl uniforms and meet her downstairs where she announces the Third Commandment of Charm School: Thou Shall Show Some Class. Monique tells them this means that when they are in public, they need to act classy, because when you act like a fool, you’ll get treated like a fool. Oh, Mo’Nique, you’re so wise, and in for a huge undertaking if you think you can get one ounce of class out of these women. They all dated Flava Flav after all.
Mo'Nique introduces Miss Colette Swann, etiquette coach extraordinaire. Apparently she’s a direct descendent of royalty, and she is not impressed with Heather’s hooker shoes. She probably would not have been impressed with her singing either.
Colette makes the women walk across the room and sit down in a chair, which I’ve always found easy, but maybe I’ve just got some mad sitting skills or something, because many of the ladies have problems. Becky is the first to go and does not pay enough attention to her skirt. Colette chastises her for showing her “Britney,” and Becky comments that she wasn’t trying to show her “little vagina.” Oh, well as long as you weren’t trying it’s all okay then!
The rest of the women don’t have any more luck and get compared to Prince Charles and called hookers. How nice! Next, Colette makes them walk with books on their heads, and it also doesn’t go very well.
The ladies tackle a formal place setting, and some of them women seem a little bit out of their elements. Leilene has a lot of questions, and the other women make fun of her, but at least she’s trying to learn and even ends up making a pretty good toast.
Doesn’t this guy have enough to do?
Mo’Nique gathers the ladies together to tell them they have a special guest coming to the house- Bachelor Andrew Firestone, the heir of the Firestone Winery. He will be testing the ladies on grace, poise and being able to handle themselves under any situation.
The ladies will be having dinner with Andrew… well; half of them will be having dinner with Andrew. The women have to pair up; each pair will get to spend 15 minutes with Andrew, and then he will chose one of them to have dinner with him. Mo’Nique instructs the women to pair up with someone they think they can beat, and Schatar immediately gravitates to Heather.
Everyone wants to be Brooke’s partner, and at one point I’m afraid Shay and Larissa are going to come to blows over her. Larissa really had better watch out and hope that there aren’t any balconies nearby or she might find herself thrown off one.
Today’s lesson- do not bring $2000 dresses into a house filled with questionable women.
The ladies have 30 minutes to get ready, and when Heather goes into her closet, her dress is missing. With her lack of popularity, the culprit could really be almost anyone, but then we see it is Schatar who has taken the dresses and hidden them in a cupboard downstairs. Schatar tells us it’s a competition, and she’ll do anything to win. Anything except actually be the classiest woman there, because that would be way too hard.
Heather has a meltdown over the dresses because they are not just dresses to her- they are her heart. Her family bought them for her, and she’s just a young woman without the $2000 to replace them. Brooke takes pity on her, and finds the dresses in the kitchen. Heather comments she had no idea Charm School would be so catty, and I wonder if she’s completely wiped the memories of her Flavor of Love experience from her mind.
Ew, Larissa. Just, ew!
Andrew Firestone arrives and is greeted by a line of women in formal-wear. For a moment I think I am watching a different show, until Becky states that she doesn’t watch the Bachelor because she doesn’t like those corny white people shows, and I remember exactly what I’m watching. She does think he’s cute though, and I’m sure she’s not alone.
Andrew thanks the women for their company and announces that the next night his company is releasing a new wine selection, and he wants one of them to join him and make a presentation. He’s looking for someone with grace, class and sophistication, and I think he’s looking in the wrong place.
It’s time for the pairs to meet with Andrew, and it seems some of the women have been doing their homework. Darra gets chosen for dinner after talking about her travels, Cristal gets selected because she didn’t fight during her season of Flavor of Love, and she complimented his pink socks. Goldie asked too many questions, so Leilene got the dinner invite, and Jennifer missed out because she told Andrew she doesn’t like wine, and Becky was actually able to speak kind of intelligently about the subject. Brooke and Larissa are up next, and Larissa totally comes on to Andrew… and then gets selected to have dinner!
Finally, it’s Schatar and Heather turn to sit with Andrew, and Schatar starts off by telling Heather that she’s regained her composure nicely, and she should have hidden her gown better. Heather is shocked, Mo’Nique is shocked, and I think Andrew is kind of shocked even though he doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Heather is very, very upset, and can’t recover for the interview with Andrew, and Schatar gets the invitation. And a special place in hell.
It’s time for some of the ladies to use those skills they learned from Colette while they’re having dinner with Andrew Firestone. I just hope that they all remember what forks to use or they could be in for some major embarrassment! Schatar lays it on thick right away by telling the group about her love of charity work and how she just can’t get enough of it. Larissa is not impressed, and calls her “a whack-ass bitch, with a whack-ass weave,” then says she doesn’t like her “whack-ass ass.” Andrew asks Darra about her feelings about charity, and she says that she doesn’t like to talk about it, because it’s something she takes a lot of pride in and doesn’t think it’s something to brag about.
Larissa’s not able to answer Andrew’s questions, Cristal won’t stop talking, Leilene makes a tasteful toast, and Becky talks like a fool and embarrasses herself. Andrew picks Schatar and Darra to join him for a special dessert. When he asks Darra what the best outcome from her appearance on this show would be, she gives a well-thought and eloquent answer. When he asks the same of Schatar, she tells a very sad story about how her mother was in an accident and confined to a wheelchair, and how every time she has to walk a red carpet or attend a premiere party, she is sad because of this. Wow. That is one powerful story that brings up two very important questions- who is inviting this woman to walk the red carpet, and what types of premieres is she attending? Whatever the answers are, somehow Schatar gets picked to attend Andrew’s function, and I can only assume that maybe it’s some sort of Hos and Pimps type party.
It’s a panty party!
Those who don’t have to class it up with Andrew Firestone are upstairs at the house getting their drink on and plotting ways to humiliate Schatar on camera. I’m sure they discussed many options before Brooke came up with the idea to hang a pair of Schatar’s used panties on her photo. They’re all pretty proud of themselves, and pretty drunk.
When she gets home, Schatar brags about winning the competition, and Brooke warns her that someday she is going to be humiliated, possibly on national television. Schatar finally realizes that the panties are on her picture, but brushes the whole thing off, telling everyone that they’re not hers. Even though they came from her bag. Maybe they were something else she stole from one of the other women.
This woman is a genius at physical comedy!
It’s party time, and Schatar pours herself into a long, tight, strapless dress and high heels. During her limo ride to the Vineyard, she comments that she is looking forward to being away from the ladies in the house, and around her type of upper-crust people. For her sake, I really hope this is a Hos and Pimps party now, since she’s expecting her kind of people and all.
Andrew greets her at the Vineyard, and gives her his arm so that he can walk her into the lobby, but she is so preoccupied with how good she looks that she trips and falls flat on her face. Now, I admit that I am a huge fan of watching people fall down, but if her dress had ripped, that would have just been icing on the cake. The cake with a huge weave and big mouth.
Schatar’s winery experience doesn’t get much better when it comes to presentation time. She has to present to six people, and right off the bat she knocks over the display on the easel, and I’m sure the afternoon doesn’t get any better from there. When it’s finally over, Andrew comments that his audience was surprised when she knocked over the poster, and he thinks she needs to become more refined in the dress code. This is coming from a man who was on The Bachelor, which says a lot.
Self affirmations do not teach a person how to cook.
While Schatar’s off living the good life, Mo’Nique announces that the rest of the women will be having lunch with her. She’s supplied her cookbook, Skinny Cooks Can’t Be Trusted, and lots of supplies. She tells the women they will be cooking, and they have an hour. This news is horrifying to Leilene because she can’t cook. She can read though, so she hopes she’ll be able to get by with that.
The ladies get right to work making delicacies such as mac and cheese and peach cobbler. Well, most of the women get to work. Leilene sits in her bedroom with her pillow over her face thinking about the scary kitchen. She tries some affirmations, telling herself to think positive, and by the time she gets down to the kitchen, everything is done, so she decides to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Mo’Nique and the ladies sit down for lunch, and they immediately tattle on Leilene and her cooking phobia. She tells Mo’Nique that cooking is not her forte, but she is willing to learn. The other women don’t believe this, and Leilene starts to cry. Again. Mo’Nique doesn’t have a lot of sympathy, but kindly tries the grilled cheese.
The ladies’ lunch talk turns to trash talk when Mo’Nique asks each of them to pretend to be one of the others. Their impersonations of each other are very mean, but dead-on, and I think the afternoon could turn deadly if there are any sharp knives on the table.
Your dresses will finally be safe.
It’s time to say goodbye to one of these lovely ladies, and… well, honestly it won’t be hard at all.
The ladies line up in their uniforms, and Mo’Nique tells them that their lesson was about etiquette. Some of them delivered, and some failed miserably. She tells Schatar that what she did was dirty because she fooled Heather and Andrew. Unfortunately, she is safe and will be around for another week.
The three ladies in the hot seat are Larissa, Heather and Cristal. Keith weighs in, tells Larissa she was not engaging in the lesson, is boring and made an inappropriate come on to Andrew. Heather wore hooker shoes to the etiquette class and couldn’t recover after Schatar stole her dresses, and Cristal is beautiful, but too stuck in her model role.
Sadly, we can’t send all of them home, so tonight it’s time for Heather to take her victim mentality home because she’s expelled.
Tune in next week to see a show that is all about style… and huge boobs.