Greetings everyone! We are here with a third show in the Flavor of Love sleezefest. SueEllen and I can’t get enough of it and are happy to present you with weekly recaps full of culture, class, and tales of the skankiest woman you will ever see. Who thought we would ever see these women again outside of late night browsing on Cinemax? I figured they would all be happy with their fifteen minutes of fame and disappear back to the topless bars where they came from. I am overjoyed to have these women back and working to make themselves respectable women of the day instead of working ladies of the night. So without further ado, let’s slip into our nicest stripper outfits, tease our hair a bit, and throw on some Lee Press on Nails™ in honor of these fine ladies.
The Short Bus to Charm School
To kick the show off we are shown clips of all the ladies as a little refresher to whom each one is. Most I remember and most I also wish I could forget. The ladies are all gathered and riding a short bus to school in hopes to redeem themselves from their previous bad behavior. Most of them will never accomplish that. Mo’Nique is going to be their mentor during the process in hopes to transform them into the likes of Mother Theresa, Condoleezza Rice, and Hillary Clinton. She is going to teach them the ways of etiquette, style, and relationship advice. I am sure we are all wondering if you can teach a ragged, stripper new tricks. I guess only time will tell.
The short bus finally arrives at the “school” and the women are excited to see Mo’nique. Mo’Nique, like the rest of us, thinks the women look like hos and strippers. Mo tells the ladies they will work hard to get back their dignity and self pride. I doubt that can ever be achieved. The winner of this big experiment will receive $50,000. That could buy the winner the Fredrick’s of Hollywood spring wardrobe collection. I am jealous…or not.
The women run to their rooms to find out they are assigned to beds. This of course leads to mad drama and the smack talk begins. Pumkin does not understand why all the women are upset with her. Gee, maybe the fact that she spit on someone?
Lose thy Name
The women are summoned to the common area to meet the dean’s of Charm School. First up we have, Mikki Taylor, the beauty director and cover editor of Essence Magazine. She tells the ladies she is excited about working with them. I think she is excited about the phat pay check she is going to receive from working with these train wrecks. Next up is, Keith Lewis, director of Miss California USA and Miss Teen California USA. Keith tells the ladies that none of them would ever make it near his office but good luck to them.
The first thing the ladies will be doing is losing their ridiculous nicknames. Thank God! Now my spell check won’t think I am a flaming idiot. Each woman’s nickname tag is removed and their old nametag is burned. The women feel free now. Really, they needed to go on this show to drop their stupid nicknames? So, to keep everything in order, here is a list of the ladies by nickname and real name.
Like Dat- Darra
After the new names are announced, the women learn about the Charm School Ten Commandments. Tonight they are going to work on Checking Thyself before Wrecking Thyself. Each woman is going to meet with the Dean’s and Mo’Nique to determine who is there for the money and fame and who is there to really change. Each woman breaks down and starts crying like a blubbering baby. I officially love Keith and his direct questions to the women. He basically calls them on their slutty clothes and scandalous behavior.
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My
The next morning the women find out they will be going on an overnight fieldtrip. Some of the delusional women think they will be going to a spa for the night. They arrive at a local National Park to Mo’Nique and loads of camping equipment. Today they will be working on Commandment Two: You Goeth Girl. Mo’Nique tells the women they need to carry everything they need for camping two miles to the campsite up the road. The women immediately get to complaining with Thela getting really crazy. She is given the map and told to lead the way. This is going to be more entertaining than I could ever imagine.
They start hiking and some of them woman were sensible enough to wear heels. They are terrified of getting attacked by coyotes when they should really be more concerned with Mountain Lions and Bears. After 2 hours of walking they have not even made it one mile. I can walk 3 miles in 45 minutes. These ladies need to get in some shape. They start leaving behind sleeping bags and lanterns. They will live to regret that.
Schatar arrives at camp first and is upset to learn there is no electricity. As she waits for the others she lies on the picnic table and takes a nap. The women are pissed. They manage to assemble a tent but fail to use the stakes to keep it in place and then proceed to burn portions of the tent in the fire. Thela is ready to lose it again proving that she needs time in a ward with padded walls and not time on a show to develop class. Can everyone repeat after me, PSYCHO!
The women manage to get some food prepared and are hanging out when Dean Mickey shows up. She wants to know how the day went and they tell her it was not a team effort. She tells them they will be tested tomorrow on what they were supposed to learn today. They will be divided into two teams and the losing team’s members will be on the chopping block for expulsion. They are then given the task of choosing two team captains. No one wants to step up because they don’t want to be eliminated. Leilene and Saaphyri are nominated as captains and both are stupid enough to accept. The night ends with one tent blowing away. I just laugh and laugh.
Let Boot Camp Begin
As the morning breaks, the women are greeted by First Sgt. Jones, the drill instructor. This poor, innocent, old man has no idea what he is getting into. The women march out of camp and don’t seem to understand the difference between left and right. Becky (Buckwild) is ready to date the Drill Sgt., she finds him cute. They load the short bus and head off to a challenge course. Upon arrival, there is so much swearing I have no idea what is being said. The teams will need to complete the course which involves mud, ropes and climbing, general elementary PE activities. I am sure most of these women are pros in the mud but the other areas might be a challenge.
The captains are instructed to select their teams and Leilene’s team is upset that she selected the “big girl” Darra. I would like to add, she is not that big and it all seems a bit unfair. Saaphhyri gives her team advice while Leilene fails with a pep talk. Leilene’s team is off first and realizes the course is more challenging than they thought. Darra get’s pushed over the net ladder and we are all treated to a shot of her thong…and some of us are now blind. Darra ends the race with a nice puke and it only seems fair because that is what I just did. Saaphyri’s team is off next and gets going with a little more ease. Thankfully as they attempt the net wall we are not given any bonus footage. The course is completed and the winning team is: Saaphyri.
Naughty School Girl Gets Cut
It’s time for elimination and the women are provided with uniforms. They all grab their plaid skirts and blazers and let me say, these are some trashy outfits. Most of the women will feel at home in them. I went to a Catholic school and our uniforms were nowhere near this revealing. It doesn’t really help that the girls are prancing around with their shirts unbuttoned to their bellybuttons.
Thela wants some time alone with Mo’Nique to talk with her about her problems. She tells her she moved into car and still smokes weed. Mo’Nique asks her a question and she tries to answer but can’t follow along. One might even say she was high. She may have just guaranteed herself a plane ticket home. The rest of the ladies are mad that she got alone time, I guess not realizing that she is so straight up crazy.
The women are called to the great hall for eliminations. Three ladies are chosen to be in the bottom three and one will be expelled. Leilene, Darra, and Thela are the three called to the Dean’s table. They are quizzed by the judges and told what they did wrong during the challenge. The judges deliberate and the first lady eliminated is, Thela. Now the rest of the women can sleep without fear of being murdered in their beds.
Tune in next week to see the women make fools of themselves as they attempt to be proper ladies. The term lady is used very loosely.
If you actually remember Rain from Flavor of Love, send me a PM and remind me.