Fire Me...Please 7/05/05 Recap - In The End....
Welcome to another (and thankfully the last) episode of Fire Me…Please. The show where it’s possible to get fired, and still get paid. Dave Holmes, our host who looks like Gary Sinise and the evil boyfriend of Drew Barrymore’s (Names? We don’t need no stinkin’ names!) in “The Wedding Singer” had a baby, lays down the premise for us: 2 people will compete to get fired from their first day on a new job. If they get fired before 3 PM, but not after, whoever got fired closest to that 3 o’clock cutoff time wins $25,000! There are some other basic rules…contestants cannot break the law, they can’t ask to be fired, and they can’t mention anything about being on TV. Because where’s the fun in that?
Get in a Lather, Rinse, REPEAT???
If you have been watching this show for the past few episodes, you already know the outcome of the first contest in today’s episode. If you haven’t been watching, may I refer you to my good friend Mantenna’s recap from June 7? Check it out here. . Obviously CBS just didn’t have quite enough good outcomes for this premise as they thought. Which makes me think a “Fire Me…Please” outtakes show where they show the bosses who went off their rockers would do really well.
It’s Katy vs. Kurt, with Katy working in a clothing store driving several spineless ladies nuts, and Kurt working in a coffee shop trying as hard as he can to push his boss’ buttons. Kurt annoys his boss Janice to no end, hits on and lies to customers, and even mentions “building some shelves” with the prime rib he ingested the night before (yeah, that’s the first time I’ve heard #2 described like that too), but it seems like no one at that coffee shop actually gives a #2. Nor does anyone seem to work that hard. Katy, on the other hand, works with several ladies who all seem to enjoy watching the new girl clean the windows and shelves for them. So she has to work other avenues to “You’re Fired” boulevard. The antic that sticks out in my mind as the funniest and most effective was using her boss’s armpits as hand warmers. If you don’t realize you are on hidden camera when a relative stranger warms their hands in your armpits, you are truly beyond help.
This one comes down to the wire, literally. Katy works her magic and gets fired at 2:56 PM. Kurt, who gets himself into a big enough lather to make Tom Cruise on Oprah look sane, and even gets the police called on him, got fired at 2:58 PM and 56 seconds. Kurt takes the $25 grand.
More to Come
Luckily for everyone but me, there is another contest afoot. Dave and his crazy voyeur surveilence vehicle are heading to New Jersey to hopefully freak out some other dim witted employers...
Meet Ping, a gum chewing, perky public relations worker. She’s going to be spending the day at a pretty yummy looking pizza place called Arturo’s Brick Oven Pizza in Upper Montclair NJ. There’s your plug Arturo…now where’s my dollas?$? Ping will be working for Dan, who is exactly who you want running your restaurant-he hates people who repeat mistakes, holds his restaurant’s sanitary conditions in the highest regard, and despises people who eat or drink behind the counter. After meeting and briefing Ping, Dan heads downstairs to the office for a few phone calls. Ping, being the helpful little worker that she isn’t, volunteers to bring all the chairs down from on top of the tables in the seating area. Her motives, at least to us, are clear when she starts dropping chairs on the floor, and loudly banging the chairs down onto the tile. After a delivery ticket comes out, she lets Dan know, and sticks the ticket to the counter with her ABC gum. You know what ABC gum is don’t you? Already Been Chewed? Yeah, it’s gross, especially in a restaurant.
Soon, the other workers show up. Reeve has trouble getting Ping to say her name correctly. How a V can sound like an N I’ll never know. As they make pizzas, Ping continually picks toppings from the containers and even from the pizzas, driving Dan mad. After she hears Reeve answer the phone with the name “Bricks”, Ping is obviously confused, thinking she was working at Arturo’s. And now she can’t even pronounce that, repeatedly saying “ArtuLo’s.” She even greets customers with that pronunciation. It’d be enough to make me think she was crazy.
This whole time, Ping is constantly picking at the food, and even picking at the gum in her mouth with her fingers. Dan is having a sanitation nightmare, constantly reprimanding Ping for her eating and super unclean practices. Coughing, wiping her nose with her bare hands, handling her hair, belching, etc. I know I'm glad I have never eaten at Bricks...Arturo's...Bricks? Artulo's? Eh, no matter, I've never eaten at either. After Ping goes to lunch, her co-workers do that which is lowest of the lows—tattle on her about her antics. Come on, Dan! Buy a clue buddy! I’d have canned this girl by at least the 100th time I had yelled at her. Well, he still doesn't fire her, opting instead to use the Society of Spineless Managers guidelines of just taking everything your employees dish out.
Oh my god! It’s already 3 o’clock! Ping hasn’t been fired yet. It’s important that you know this because…
Stupid is as Stupid Does
Our second contestant today is Rob, a Real Estate broker. Rob’s "job" today will be at Summit Ski and Sport in Summit NJ, where he will be working for Jack. His co-workers are Sandy, Chris, and Laura. Jack is the man making the executive decisions, and to press his buttons, all you need to do is not be a team player and be a dingbat. However, and this doesn’t bode well for our hero, Jack is very slow to lose his temper. Rob, buddy, you have your work cut out for you!
At first, Rob works with Chris learning about the different skis. I don't think Rob has really ever skied before, because if he had ANY history with it, he would be able to grasp the basic concept of taller or heavier = longer skis. Already, Chris is calling Rob an idiot behind his back. So far, so good for Rob, who seems like he is going to alienate the entire staff one by one. While the rest of the crew lounges, Rob decides to put on his own personal fashion show and try on all the different sunglasses, goggles, and hats on sale in the store. He even goes so far as to try on a snowboard binding as if it were some sort of modern gladiator armor for the elbow. Afterward, he discovers that when you rub two skis together they make the most annoying sound known to man. Well, besides that sound that Jim Carrey makes in “Dumb and Dumber”. He “scratches” with the skis like there is no tomorrow, annoying the entire store, and quite frankly me too.
An Arctic Blast?
Rob continues on with his fashion show, this time using a neck gaiter, a helmet, sunglasses, and socks for mittens. He approaches a customer in this getup, and clearly disturbs the guy. The customer is so unsettled, he almost runs from the store! And the other employees are all noticing! Rob is effectively working the “I don’t know karate, but I know Crazy!” routine. Jack chillily suggests Rob lose the outfit…but Jack doesn’t lose his temper! That Jack, always cool under moron-ism.
Now, it must be summer, because the store is not that busy. Everyone is kinda sitting around. Chris is even drinking coffee from outside the store, and just chillin’ on the bench. Jack is downstairs making calls, and Rob approaches him wearing another crazy outfit…even employing a ski jacket that looks like it’s styled for 80 year old women. Jack demands he lose the getup, and gets up to talk with Rob. Jack isn’t losing his temper, but he is clearly bugged. Rob starts hammering him for an answer to the question “Do I have a future here”. Jack actually gives Rob a slight chance of staying on! It’s already 3 PM, and Rob doesn’t have his answer yet. Is he fired? Or will mild mannered Jack keep this nutjob on for good?
The Rule They Never Told Us
Host Dave Holmes is back to point out that it’s 3 PM, and neither contestant has been fired yet. Then he informs us of Rule 3b, section A, part II(yeah, I totally pulled that outta the air)….that if neither contestant has been fired by the 3 PM deadline, whoever gets fired first after 3 PM is the winner.
Ping already seems in the lead in this horse race. She has, literally, hundreds of warnings from Dan to stop picking at the food and being unclean. Rob is starting to get under Jacks skin. But Rob, while nagging for an answer about his employment, gets put on hold while Jack escapes into a phone call. Ping just keeps it up, keeps picking at the food, coughing all over the place, and is fired at 3:03 PM, with a big hug for Dan.
Dave gathers the contestants at the mobile worker voyeur van, and lets them know that Ping got fired. From the way Dave put it, I don’t even think Rob got fired! I think Jack is actually so slow to lose his temper, he was going to give him a chance. Unbelieveable, but Jack, I would love to work for you man. Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind! Ping is the $25,000 winner, and is ecstatic.
There you have it, the final portion (hopefully) of bad employees served up with vanilla canned laughter. I have to imagine there is a lot more funny footage out there, even when the outcome wasn’t what CBS expected. Clips show, perhaps?
If you think you can fire me and get me on the unemployment dole, contact me at email@example.com