Fire Me Please 6/28/05 Recap – We're Just Phoning it in...
Welcome to my millieu - Not only is my first ever recap for a show where it's good to be fired, but it's also about a topic that I wish was true for me lately. How many times do I have to crash the entire network around here to get fired anyway? It's not an accident guys. I really do despise working at my job. Alas, if only it were as easy as acting like the Mad Hatter all hopped up on goofballs....
Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm writing a recap here. Our trusty, yet oh so unknown host, Dave Holmes(yeah, I already said, I don't know who he is. John Holmes' younger brother?) runs us through the drill again: Get fired, but do it as close to 3 PM as possible. If you work past 3 PM, no prize. Oh yeah, and there's 3 general rules...you can't break the law, can't ask to be fired, and you can't tell anyone they're on TV. Sounds easy right? It is...if by easy you mean acting like a mouth breathing, lackadasical bum while sabotaging your co-worker's efforts to actually work, well yeah.
It's just all going to the dogs
Here's Brandon. Today he will be not working at Georgie's Woof 'N Poof which at first I'm thinking is a magic store for dogs? No? Oh, Poof...as in Poofy. Actually, it's a dog grooming shop in Huntington, NY. Brandon's co-worker is Merilee, and his boss will be Hector. Hector's centerfold stat's tell us that he likes "high energy" workers, dislikes smokers, and HATES having to repeat himself. Hey Hector...what was your name again? Hector starts right away with the training, going about the process so quickly you'd think dogs were shooting down a conveyor belt like chocolates on I Love Lucy. He's high energy for sure! Brandon has obviously read Hector's rap sheet, as he asks three times which knob is hot and which is cold in the wash sinks. And then the soap. Brandon sounds like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman asking if you use the blue soap on the dogs' faces. Blue? You use the blue? Jeopardy's on at 3.
Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat
After Hector asks Brandon to rinse one of the dogs off, Brandon decides to exploit some other dirt he has on his boss. He decides to go and loiter in the front of the store, where there are dog toys, bones...a regular doggie bonanza. Hector and Merilee watch in amazement as Brandon tastes a giant rawhide and plays with some squeeky dog toys that get the dogs in the shop all riled up. Hell, it got the dogs at my house all riled up. I guess I had the volume up a little to loud. Hector calls him back to the wash area, and gets Brandon set up with another dog to wash. While he washes, Hector steals away to gossip about what a bad hire Brandon is. He just doesn't have that "going" attitude. And he doesn't know anything about anything. And he keeps interrupting Hector's lunch. Come on Brandon, you know Hector would never do that to you...even if you didn't leave the store for lunch. But your co-workers will talk about you behind your back while you're gone. Hmfph, I guess that happens at every workplace. Not just mine. Could it be Brandon’s going to get fired right after lunch?
Brandon dawdles some more, catches some ZZZ's, and finally irritates Hector so much, that Hector tells him "This is your last dog." When Brandon finishes, he is told that he can leave, he's done. But he still hasn't been fired? "How can I irritate Hector more? Hmmm...Maybe I'll get fired if I fire up a cigarette...inside the shop...right in front of H-man." Of course Hector hates smoking, and freaks out. And it turns out to be the last straw for Hector. Brandon has to work it out of him, but finally, he is fired at 2:21 PM. Ahh! Your kung fu is good Mr. Brandon. But is it $25,000 good?
I hope this doesn't go smoothie
Now we meet John. Today John will be working at Big Apple Smoothie, which isn't actually in the Big Apple, it's in White Plains, NY. John's co-worker is Gustavo, his training manager is Edgar, and his boss is Ozzie, who can't stand sloppiness, hates bad customer service, and does not tolerate goofing off. Is he the Smoothie Nazi? Let's find out!
John starts with a bad first impression right away, yelling "Chef Ozzie!!" to a disinterested boss. Training here seems pretty cool, as they have crib notes all over the prep area. Man, I sure could use some of those around my desk. "Press here to turn on your computer!" Yeah, I've used my CD tray as a drink holder before. Then Edgar uses cool noises to demonstrate handling the ladle. "Wompf Boom" goes the ladle... John quickly improvises the ladle method into some hip beat boxing...probably spraying spit all over the counter. Quickly, a customer comes in and they are churning out John's first smoothie. He's so proud! He asks the customer how it tastes. It's "muy bien"....said in the most depressing way those words can be said. Edgar warns John to learn the crib notes quick...because when it gets busy...it's BIZZZAY! John wisely yawns through Ed's speech.
Edgar wants to test John's ingredients knowledge, inquiring to him "What's in a 'Sit and Spin'?" I have to laugh at John's quick response, saying he doesn't think he can say that. I'm not even sure if I can say it on a PG-13 site. Eh, what the hell. Next, he wants to know what's in a Wonder Woman. I'm assuming he's asking about smoothies, because we all know the only ingredient needed for Wonder Woman is a young Lynda Carter. John takes a few guesses, but is really way off. Now the boys are going to practice greeting the customers. On a quick side note...when it's busy, it's busy, but when it's not, it is absolutely DEAD at this shop. There is no one around for miles! So, Edgar decides to impersonate a customer coming into the store. John greets him with an almost smarmy "Hi there, how are ya", which gets Edgar, Ozzie, and the laugh track laughing hard. And suddenly, it's go time! John's first live customer comes in. He smooth talks(get it? I crack me up!) her into trying one of his best smoothies...the Wonder Woman and she agrees. As she pays, John reminds her that "tipping is sexy!" Something I think we should all keep in mind. While John serves customers, Edgar and Ozzie take a moment to bad talk their new employee behind his back. See, I told you people do it at every job! If John doesn't get the details of the job down soon, he's gonna get what he wants!
A real phone-y
John's trying really hard now, starting to make and receive phone calls on his cell. Edgar tells him it's not acceptable, and sends John outside to wash the windows, but John takes advantage of being off the floor to make some more calls while he washes with the other hand. Of course he gets dirty looks from the guys inside, who can't even believe the gaul of this 1st day employee. To further his bad behavior, John belches and plays bongos while making another smoothie, openly hits on another female customer and then blatantly covers it up, and makes some more phone calls. Edgar and Ozzie have had it. Edgar confronts him, and tells him that Ozzie will listen to him. Ozzie joins in, and Edgar coaxes him to fire John. Will it be good enough?
Back with John, er, Dave Holmes at the mobile unemployment media command center, we get the results. Even though Brandon wasn't all that close to 3 PM, John worked past 3 PM until 3:13. Brandon gets $25,000, and the satisfaction of having tasted rawhide.
But Wait, There's More!!
After another round of marketing, it's time to start anew. 2 new contestants-both female this time-are ready to try their hand at getting fired. Same rules, same possibilities
The Name Game
First up is Meryl Chambers. Miss Chambers AND Mr. Holmes? I thought CBS was the family network?? Meryl took the day off from her regular job as a waitress to hardly work today at a clothing store called Alligator Purse outside Cincinatti. Her boss will be Christy, who, for some reason takes “great pride in her name.” I don’t understand this trait—especially with a regular name like Christy. Christy also hates slackers, and is absolutely meticulous about the look of the store. The two of them meet to open the store, and Christy starts right in, telling Meryl to get to know the layout and look of the store. Of course, Meryl hears that as “take a load off and read some magazines while I sweep the floor”. Already, Christy can’t believe the hire they made. Christy’s name pride kicks in, and she asks Meryl about her name, and if her parents named her Meryl because they are big Meryl Streep fans. Meryl says she doesn’t think so, and that mostly she is told her name is similar to a porn star. Then the real name pride kicker...Meryl tells her boss that her name reminds her of a character on her favorite television show, “Three’s Company”, Chrissy. Since she takes so much pride in distinguishing between an “s” and “t”, we all know how hurt Christy is.
The Retch of the Story
Finally, a customer comes in, and both ladies help her out and offer advice. Meryl’s advice about wearing moccasins with an outfit yields a reaction similar to what you could expect Paris Hilton to do if you told her that Kmart clothes are “hawt.” Meryl walks past the customer, into the bathroom, and starts making loud retching noises! It’s the classic bulimia offensive, and Christy is in disbelief. Now that it has slowed down-and by slowed down I mean the one customer has left the store-Christy instructs Meryl on finding work to do. When it’s slow, they do whatever they can to stay busy. Meryl nods in agreement, all the while holding the wall up with her back, and sitting down while Christy straightens out the displays. Kristina, another co-worker, arrives at the store, and Christy informs her about their new employees bad habits, while Meryl is in the bathroom having another Technicolor yawn. When Meryl emerges, she is almost ruined, as Christy tells her she might as well go home since she is so sick. Meryl narrowly escapes a very early dismissal by telling her she will be fine, in a very catty way.
The Model Employee
Meryl continues to sabotage her job in a variety of ways. Walking around the store throwing clothes in a pile on shelves, tossing purses on a shelf like she just got home from a bad week at work, undoing Christy’s display work, and just generally treating the store as if it were her own messy bedroom. She even goes and lies down and feigns snoring while the other two ladies look on with rolling eyes. Later on, Meryl starts making personal phone calls right in the middle of the store! Loudly fighting with whoever is on the other end, she even tells them that she doesn’t care what the others think about her making a personal phone call while on the job. After more phone calls, and loudly saying how slow it is, and how boring the job is, Christy confronts Meryl about all of her job deficiencies, and fires her at 2:41 PM. Meryl joyfully runs from the store.
A Book of (S)crap
Competing with Meryl today is Angela. Angela took a day off from her job as an office worker to work at a scrapbooking store called Scrapbook Central. Her boss at the store is Ginger, whose rap sheet includes the fact that she hates complainers and cheerleader types, and doesn’t tolerate “scrapbook phonies.” Oh Ginger, you are not going to like this phony employee, who looks like she was probably a head cheerleader at some point in her life. Angela’s coworkers are Tina and Shannon.
Right off the bat, Angela declines helping to do any heavy lifting, as she is just too much of a wimp. *Note to self: use the “I’m a wimp” scheme when asked to help someone move.* Ginger talks scrapbooks with Angela, finding out that Angela doesn’t really scrapbook, as much as put photos into albums at “really cool angles”. Angela is just not that crafty. Wink wink. While Angela rings up her first transaction, Ginger pulls the move that we know so well…that’s right, she goes in the office to gossip about what a bad employee Angela is to someone on the phone. Angela continues to annoy her co-workers by simply being over the top, annoyingly cheery, and getting into everything she can get her hands on--kinda like a little kid at a toy store. When she goes to the bathroom, the other ladies’ claws come out and they talk about how she doesn’t have a clue. Ginger promises she will fire her before the end of the day.
One of the employees brings a boombox into the store so everyone can listen to tunes while they work. Hip hop is the order of the day at Scrapbook Central, and even Ginger is getting her groove on, moving like only a white woman with no rhythm can. Angela quickly capitalizes on everyone’s music choice by going over to the radio and changing the station to classical music. Hey, it soothes the soul, quiets the mind, and puts you to sleep. It’s not all bad. Tina is outraged at Angela’s choice, and looks like she might have a conniption. Ginger is starting to show signs of frustration, and takes Angela into the office to have a little chat with her. Angela also feigns frustration, saying that in the end, this store is for glorified photo albums and at the end of the day, it’s just stickers and pictures, and not a big deal. Ginger wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, but Angela simply cannot think that way. Or make personal phone calls. And don’t even try to pull any cheerleader crap.
Bring it On
Back in the storefront, Angela starts trying to come up with a “Craft Cheer” for the store. Ginger can’t stand anything to do with cheering, and from the looks Angela gets, no one else can either. Ginger repeatedly rolls her eyes and demands “No Cheers”. Ginger has looked like she was going to freak out the entire time Angela has been there. Angela finally starts to take some initiative—in the most annoying way in the eyes of a manager. She asks Ginger for different responsibilities, and questions her management style. Ginger finally caves to her repeated temptations to just can Angela, and tells her outright “You’re Fired”. Which, if I recall the show correctly, is the first time we have actually heard those two words in conjunction. Now, has Angela done what she came to do?
Back at Dave’s mobile voyeur command center, the two ladies await the final outcome. They both got fired, so the prize is going to come down to who got fired closest to 3 PM. Meryl was fired 19 minutes before 3 PM, and Angela…….11 minutes AFTER 3 PM. Meryl is our winner!!
So there you go, another episode of Fire Me Please under our belts, and another week at a job I despise coming up. At least Meryl and Brandon get some cold hard cash for a job not well done.
To offer me a job that I might enjoy being fired from, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org