All this time waiting for the new season of Dog Eat Dog, and finally the hour has arrived. We’ve had our share of trash-talkers while watching Fear Factor, we’ve had a boatload of back-stabbers on Survivor, but Joe Rogan and Jeff Probst just can’t compete with babelicious Brooke Burns in her blue and black bikini.
Brooke welcomes us to the second season premiere episode while perched high above the DED water tank in a plexiglass box. I would comment on her voluptuous smile, but I think that lends a subtle sophistication that she has yet to master. Big-ass grin. Yeah, that works a little better. Ya just gotta love Brooke’s big-ass grin, (oh, and did I mention the itsy bitsy blue and black bikini?). Brooke tells us that “Somebody’s going to get horizontal tonight on Dog Eat Dog” (wink wink nudge nudge) before the box tips over and she takes a dive into the tank. I’m sure her male fans were a little disappointed that we didn’t get an underwater shot or a tank exit shot, but hey, the season is young.
Paul Vinson, Plumber from San Mateo, CA is introduced first. He’s got that brawny pirate look going for him, and from first impressions may be our strongest contender in the trash-talking category.
Tiffany Thompson, Event Coordinator from Mequon, WI will be our hottie brunette for the evening. Ohhhhh goody…she thinks she’s sneaky.
Ben Pappas, Insurance Broker from Los Angeles, CA seems to think he’s a tough guy. Ummmmm…yeah Ben, I’m sure everyone is quaking in their boots.
Jessica Ward, Club Promoter from Los Angeles, CA isn’t much competition for Brooke in the blonde bombshell category, but she’s certainly going to give it a shot. Hmmmm…let’s see, Club Promoter? Does that mean you’re a beer rep bikini girl at your local nightclub? Woohoo!
Marty West, Actor from Norwalk, CT looks like he wants to be Matt Damon’s little brother when he grows up. He’s got that sweet kid, positive attitude thing going for him, and is apparently the only male eye-candy for the night.
Lindsay Taylor, Neuroscience Researcher from Boone, NC sounds like she should be a spirit camp councilor. (pardon me while I break out into a cheer) Boy-are-we en-thu-siastic-we-are-feeling-G-R-E-A-T!
Getting To Know Your Enemy
Tonight’s competitors have come from around the country to get a closer look at Brooke and compete for $25,000 in cold hard cash. All they have to do is survive the preliminary rounds and defend their Top Dog status against the Dog Pound at the end of the show. (For a complete breakdown of the rules check out this link. ) We are offered a sneak peak behind the scenes at training camp. This is where our jolly bunch of go-getters get to check each other out, and cement their strategies for the game ahead. This segment was a little shorter than I remember from last year, so they must really have a great show lined out for us.
Tarzan of the Cargo Nets
The first challenge of the evening will be to climb 4 successive cargo nets over the DED water tank in under 3 minutes. At the top of each cargo net is a crate to stand on and a rope to swing to the next cargo net. As Brooke explains the rules, the competitors size up the competition trying to decide who would be least likely to complete the stunt successfully. When the vote comes down it’s all tied up. Jessica or Paul will be making like Tarzan, so who’s it going to be? (Typically a tie is broken by the decision of the last person sent to the Dog Pound, but since this is the first stunt, the person chosen randomly prior to the start of the game decides.) Pretty boy Marty breaks the tie by switching his vote from Tiffany to Jessica. Poor Jessica. They show us a clip from training camp that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jessica wasn’t raised by monkeys. She convinces us that her complete lack of coordination was really just a part of her strategy though. Yeah, right. OK...She doesn’t actually convince us, but we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt until we watch her fail miserably. Surprisingly, she came a lot closer to completing the task than I thought she would, but since this isn’t horseshoes, Jessica can take her pretty little behind over to the Dog Pound.
Gettin’ Horizontal on the Wedge & Tilt
In a clear decision, Mr. Clean, (oops, I mean Paul), will be climbing into that contraption we saw Brooke in at the start of the show. Paul will need to wedge himself into the plexiglass box and hope that he can answer 10 trivia questions in a row. For each question he guesses incorrectly, the box will rotate several degrees towards the horizontal. If he can’t hold on, it’ll be off to the Dog Pound with him. (Hmmm…that’s not nearly as sexy as they wanted us to believe, is it?!?!) Paul got a little confused about the whole concept of trash-talking at this point. Paul tells us how disappointed he is that he’ll have to use his brain, because he is actually really dumb. Unlike Jessica, he doesn’t have to try to hard to convince us. In fact, when he tells us, “I can honestly say I’ve never read a book in my life”, I am convinced that no truer words have ever been spoken. Paul gets into position, (um, dude, put your arms down, save your strength, the box is completely vertical right now. You would have to be a complete moron to fall out before it starts tilting…Oh…nevermind.) Paul manages to get the first question right, and I’m slightly impressed that a non-reader would know about Charles Lindbergh's transatlantic flight, but hey, maybe he went to Lindbergh High School or something. The next two questions are embarrassingly easy and Paul misses both. It’s a feet-first splash for Paul, with all the dignity and grace of a donkey. When he joins Jessica in the dog pound he gives her a big wet hug. I was a little surprised at her somewhat receptive response, but hey, whatever floats your boat, honey.
Match The Models
The next challenge will be to match some lovely older ladies to sexy pictures taken during their modeling careers of yesteryear. The vote goes against Marty this time. Tiffany slams his perceptiveness when Brook asks her why she voted for him. Marty, the consummate gentleman, greets each of the ladies and begins placing them next to their pictures. He gets 2 right on his first chance, and gets the remaining 3 right on his last chance. Naturally, smart-mouthed Tiffany will be joining her buddies in the Dog Pound as Marty chooses her to take his place.
Marty gets the votes again and has to face the pendulum swing. I remember this event from last year, and it was really hard. The goal is to get the swing to do a full rotation in under 2 minutes. Fast-talking Lindsay, (who obviously didn’t learn anything from Jessica’s trash-mouth), basically tells us that Marty is dumb as a rock and probably won’t be able to figure it out, whereas she is some sort of brain researcher Einstein type. Marty seizes the day by making that full rotation with 22 seconds to spare. When Brook asks him who will be taking his place in the Dog Pound, he replies, “I don’t like to do this. I think Ben would be harder for me to compete against in the end, but since Lindsay knows so much about brains there is one thing I can teach her, which is not to be mean to people. Lindsay, woof woof.”
Bahahahahaha. God, I missed this show.
The Top Dog Title
Ben, (are you the tough guy from training camp? Who are you? We haven’t heard from you all night - and I suspect it’s because of your lack of personality) will be taking on Nice Guy Marty for the Top Dog title. Ben takes the opportunity to get fired up and starts in with some wussy-ass trash-talking. The deciding event will be a race. Climb, get the rubber ring, jump back down into the water, swim to the next one, repeat, repeat, and then exit the water with your 3 rings. It starts off pretty close, but then Marty swims away with it. Oh yeah, Ben, you’re a tough guy alright, but you’ll be a tough guy from the Dog Pound for the rest of the night.
The Dog Pound - All Bark and No Bite?
Well, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…watching pretty people struggle to pull answers to silly trivia questions from thin air. I would actually feel sorry for them if it wasn’t so damn funny. Marty gets to choose Dog Pounders to answer questions from specified categories. If they get an answer right, the Dog Pound gets a point. If they get it wrong, Marty gets the point. The first to 3 points wins the $25,000.
First category: Theater
Marty chooses tough guy Ben. Good call Marty. First point goes to you.
Second category: Famous People
Marty chooses fast-talking Lindsay. Gee hon, sorry the question wasn’t about brains. Another point to Marty.
Third category: Sports
Marty chooses blondie girl Jessica, and leaves the Dog Pound with a sore poochy behind as he sweeps the final round.
Sometimes it’s good to see nice guys finish first, but more importantly, it’s always good to see morons and smart-asses finish last. So that wraps up the first episode of the new season. Be sure and stay up to date with Dog Eat Dog each week by reading LG’s fabulously hilarious recaps. If you have any comments or questions of your substitute DED recapper, you can email them to firstname.lastname@example.org