Fear Factor – 01/03/03
Ok boys and girls, this “Special Edition” is NOT for those of you with queasy stomachs. These 6 folks are truly lucky:
Joseph Hall – Model from Daytona Beach, Florida. He’s doing this for his mom, awww.
Saira Gouveia – Marketing Consultant from Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. She’s hoping to overcome her anxieties. Well, she’s on the right show.
Joshua Aspiranti – Carpenter from Leslie, Michigan. He quotes Socrates: “know thyself”, and says that this is a defining moment in his life. Socrates wouldn’t do this, he’s much too smart.
Kelly Karll – Waitress from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She has a bet with a friend that she’ll make it past the first round. Uh oh.
Jelani Ashanti – Youth Counselor from Newark, Delaware. He’s doing this for his brother who passed away and was a big fan of the show.
Suzanne Scott – Electronic Saleswoman from Snohomish, Washington. She’s had a rough childhood and will use the money to open a group home.
I would like to thank the producers for dressing the women in small, sports bra-like tops.
The gang makes their way through an industrial park, up a ramp and into an old building. They meet up with host Joe Rogan, he goes over the rules and breaks the good news to them. Instead of the regular stunts, they will have 3 “gross” challenges. He shows them their first:
Contestants will bob for rings in a 50 gallon tank filled with cows blood. They will have 2 minutes to collect as many rings as possible without using their hands. The 2 men and 2 women that get the most will move on.
Kelly is lucky #1, and dons goggles, nose and ear plugs. She goes right to it, covering her face, hair, and chest in blood. She stands up when time runs out looking like something straight out of a horror movie, her final count is 13 rings. We are now treated to a slow-motion shower scene which would be really hot if it wasn’t for all that blood.
Saira is up next, and lets Joe in on her phobias. She’s afraid of the Boogey Man, the dark, and small spaces. Joe cracks “after this stunt, you’ll be haunted by anemic cows”, and the other contestants moo. She jumps right in, but appears to be freaking a bit. She keeps standing up, which allows the blood to cover the front of her. But, the lil’ trooper keeps going and finishes with 17. She heads over to the shower looking like “Carrie”, I’m waiting for a fire to break out. Another slow-motion scene that features her jumping and holding her top open. Bouncy bouncy, thanks Fear Factor!
Suzanne closes out the ladies, and I wonder if her chest might get in the way. She attacks the tank like a madwoman, and manages to pass Kelly’s count and send her packing in a little over 1 minute. A shower scene follows, as we say bye to Kelly.
Joseph is first for the guys, and dips his sneakers in the blood to show that he’s not afraid to get dirty. Whatever. Pretty boy manages 19, even after dropping a few back into the tank. In a moment for the ladies, Joe Zoolander removes his shirt as he hits the shower and I take this opportunity to go to the kitchen and grab some Cheerios.
Jelani is up next, and doesn’t think he’ll have a problem because “it looks like Kool-Aid”. Oh yeah! Hey, he said it. A slow and steady pace puts him in the lead with 20. Another scene for the women follows.
Joshua closes out this stunt. He tells a story about his old football coach, some kind of pep talk or something. I didn’t really understand it, and I don’t remember this drill from practice, but I guess it works for him. He dips his face in and comes up screaming, like it’s his own blood. He does this for the entire 2 minutes, while throwing in a few punches for good measure, and finishes with 2. This was a pathetic attempt, and this guy has serious issues. “We’re going to have to take away his shoelaces and any sharp objects” Joe comments as Josh takes the walk of shame.
On their way to the next challenge, Jelani thinks that his strength, speed, and agility will help him through. Yep, that’ll go a long way on GROSS Factor. Suzanne says that she’s one of the guys, and just has the body of a chick. Wait, does that mean she has a…. (shudder)…never mind. The next stunt is:
…guess I’ll just eat worms
Contestants will get 2 shots with a blow gun, and will be shooting at tomatoes stacked on a table. The tomatoes are numbered 0, 3, 4, 5 and their 2 shot total will be the amount of hornworms they will eat. They will have 30 seconds per worm.
Jelani is first, and hits a 3 and a 5. He pops the first one in his mouth, and as he takes a bite, a stream of bug juice squirts out which freaks everyone out. He’s able to put them all down without any problems, other than juice dripping from his mouth.
Saira is next and hits a 4 and a 5. She has all kinds of trouble, as she gags and covers her mouth with her hand. She battles on, and much to my surprise, is able to finish all of them. Once she gets the OK from Joe, she heads for the “Official Fear Factor Chuck Bucket” She says she hated how they squirt in her mouth. Heh.
Suzanne is next, and says that she grew up really poor and had to eat a lot of nasty stuff. She gets a 5 on both shots. She has a little difficulty, but polishes of the little critters with plenty of time to spare. She even goes as far as licking bug juice off of her lips.
Pretty boy gets a pair of 5s as well, and I’m surprised he didn’t take his shirt off for this too. In his best “model face” he finishes them, but wants to clean off his tongue before showing anybody because he’s a “super model” and needs to be “pretty”. Jackass.
It’s on to the finals for the lucky 4. Joseph makes a comment about Suzanne being phony. That’s pretty funny coming from a model. She counters with him needing a lot of ego stroking. Uh, is that what they’re calling it now? Anyway, their final stunt is:
Contestants must make their way through a series of dark tunnels and collect 3 dead skunks. There is only 1 way out among the many dead ends, and the one with the fastest time wins.
Saira is first, and is a little nervous. “You’re claustrophobic right”, Rogan asks, “that’s got to suck for you”. She is handed her skunk sack and heads into the tunnel. She makes her way through the maze and surprisingly isn’t losing her mind. She tools around for what seems like forever before finally picking up her 3rd skunk and finding the exit in 3:40. Rogan congratulates her on conquering her fears as he counts the vermin.
Jelani is up next, and upon getting through the first tunnel, falls face first into the water. He grabs 2 skunks but hits to many dead ends, and Joe calls him out when he passes Saira’s time. He’s happy with his performance even though he didn’t win, and says that his brother would be proud. I don’t know about that, he just did a bunch of sick sh*t for nothing. I bet he had a good laugh though, I know I did.
Pretty boy is next and tears through the maze like a man possessed, quickly collecting 3 new friends. This will look great in his portfolio. He takes a header through the exit and lands right on his pretty face. Sadly, it’s not enough to scar him for life. His official time is 1:48.
It’s all up to Suzanne, and she takes off into the tunnel. She’s making pretty good time, and is even nice enough to stumble in the water and get her tight, skimpy, tank top wet. Thanks Sue, I needed that. It’s coming down to the wire as she heads down the exit tunnel with her 3 critters. Joe starts the count “1:45, 46, 47, 48, 49”, and that’s it, she’s done. Maybe she was a little “top heavy” in those tunnels.
Joseph gets the nasty hat trick and is your Gross Factor champion.
Next week: A special “couples” edition.
To contact the author, send mail to email@example.com