Fear Factor – 02/28/05
Hello kids, and welcome to a special “Reality
RetreadsStars” show. Some of your favorite media whores have agreed to embarrass themselves just to get a few more ticks out of that ol’ fame clock. Tick tock, tick tock…
Ryan Sutter – Bachelorette, A.K.A. “Mr. Trista”, I’m surprised she let him out of the house.
Nikki McKibbin – American Idol, she somehow managed to convince herself that bright red hair is a good look.
Ethan Zohn – Survivor Africa, I’m going to go out on a limb and say our very own Fluff is happy right now.
Jenna Morasca – Survivor Amazon, ***WOOSH*** That sound was “the happy” being sucked out of Casa de Fluff.
Reichen Lehmkuhl – Amazing Race, …um…yeah…
Omarosa – The Apprentice, Vegas has set the over/under for “playing the race card” at 12 minutes.
The gang makes their way down a pier, where they meet up with host Joe Rogan. He welcomes them, goes over the rules, and shows them the first stunt:
A length of rope is suspended between 2 helicopters as they hover over the water. Contestants must move from one side to the other removing flags along the way (there are 9 flags). The man and woman that get the most flags the fastest before falling will each win a Capital One credit card valued at 20 thousand dollars. No one will be eliminated.
Up first is Jenna, she strips down to her red bikini and gets into position. She gets out to a pretty solid start, but slows down after getting flag #3. Jen is able to get #4, but loses her grip and does a beautiful faceplant into the water. I can hear the clapping from here. 4 flags in 53 seconds.
Omarosa is next, and breaks out the “people are intimidated by a strong black woman” nonsense. She rambles a bit to Joe, even going so far as accusing him of being drunk, and then stares off into space. She then dons her swimcap and heads for the platform. The rest of the group, including Joe, thinks she is crazy. I think they are right. She gets going and takes a slow, steady pace. She’s able to get 6 in 3:44 before matching Jenna’s faceplant.
Nikki finishes things for the ladies in her black and red 2-piece. She gets going and moves across the rope like a machine, getting 7 flags before losing her grip. She wins herself a credit card.
Ryan kicks things off for the guys. He takes off and seems to be just using his arms to pull himself along. He starts to struggle after getting #5, but is able to hang on, barely, and get all 9 in 3:33.
Ethan is up next, and says he’ll put the money into his charity if he wins. He gets going, and is out to a slightly faster pace. He slows way down at #4, and is quickly approaching Ryan’s time. He does manage to get all 9, but he finishes in 4:49.
Reichen finishes this stunt, and acknowledges that he and his AR partner Chip have split up. He gets out to a good pace but, just like Ethan, slows around the halfway point. He is able to get all 9, but will have to settle for second place with a time of 3:56. Ryan gets the card, and I bet Trista already has the money spent.
They collect themselves and head off into a warehouse. In the voiceover, everyone complains about Omarosa, even the mild mannered Ryan and Ethan. They meet up with Joe, who is holding a bunch of roses. He jokes about a rose ceremony, but quickly throws them aside. No such luck for these folks. He directs their attention to the next stunt:
Contestants will start with one hand cuffed to a pole. With their free hand, they will reach into a box filled with Amazon tree boas where they must unscrew 2 nuts to remove a key. They will take the key and unlock the next box containing worms, and transfer the worms to a smaller box by pushing them with their face. They must then transfer the worms from the small box to a blender using only their mouths. Once the worms are blended, they will suck the juice through a straw and spit it into a cylinder where another key that unlocks the cuffs will float to the top. Once free, they will jump into a tub filled with mud and worms, find a container filled with blended worms and drink the contents. The man and woman with the slowest times will be sent home. Jeez, I’m tired just typing that.
Ryan is up first, and as a special surprise, his lovely wife Trista magically appears. If you’re like me you’re saying “WTF is she doing there?” My guess is that there are no TV cameras in her house, and she can’t let him have the spotlight all to himself. He gets going, and the snakes start to get agitated as he removes the key. He moves onto the worms, and has little trouble with them. He frees himself and dives into the slop, finding the container in no time. He pours a glass and downs it in a time of 2:43.3.
Reichen is up next, and is wearing his “lucky” shorts, the ones he was wearing when he won the Amazing Race. He begins and is bit as soon as he puts his hand in the box. He is able to get the key and move on to the worms. He loses time with the worms which leads Joe to state that “Ryan sucks better that Reichen”. Make of that what you will. He’s able to remove the cuffs and jumps in the tub. Reichen finds the container and downs his glass in a time of 3:07.1.
Ethan finishes up for the guys, and while he’s getting ready, Nikki sings a song for us. Omarosa is not impressed and states that she knows why Nikki didn’t win American Idol. That leads to a little, half assed cat fight. Ethan begins and gets the key right away. He moves to the worms and is way ahead. He frees himself and dives in the tub at around a minute and a half. He finds the container and finishes his drink in an amazing 1:48.4, sending Reichen home.
Nikki is up first for the ladies, and Omarosa starts in again saying that Nikki is used to being in the trash. I’m hoping Nikki turns around and knocks her out, but sadly that doesn’t happen. Nikki gets going and is very tentative as the snakes begin to bite her. She is eventually able to get the key and move onto the worms. Someone yells out “suck like you’ve never sucked” and I giggle like a 6th grader. Nik has some trouble with the cuffs, much to my surprise, and cautiously enters the tub. She finds her container and finishes in 4:37.2.
Jenna is next, wearing a shirt that says “I’m not an actress”. Thanks for that bit of information, we were all sitting here wondering. We can sleep easy now. Joe goes back to the group with a glass containing 5 worms. He tells Trista that if she eats them he’ll give a thousand dollars to the charity of her choice. After some prodding, she agrees and will donate to Ethan’s charity. She is handed the blended worms and sucks them down, earning the grand. What a sport. Jenna gets going and is bitten several times as she’s removing the key. She loses a lot of time on the worms, and passes Nikki’s time when entering the tub. She finds her container and finishes up in 5:09.3.
Omarosa finishes up for the ladies, and everyone prays that she’ll be leaving after this. She gets going, and screams like a banshee when the snakes begin to bite. I’m waiting for her to claim that the snakes are biting because they are intimidated. I’m also waiting for one to jump out and bite her face. Unfortunately, the snakes don’t play along. She is able to get the key and moves onto the worms. That big mouth comes in handy as she fills the cylinder and frees herself. She jumps in the tub, searches for a bit, and comes up with a container. She downs her glass in a time of 4:05.1, and that’s enough to send Jenna home.
The remaining 4 make their way to an aqueduct and find Joe standing in front of a pool. Omarosa starts in on Nikki again, this time brining up personal stuff, something about her boyfriend and someone being sick. I think Nikki would be justified in beating her to a bloody mess. They settle down, and we see the next stunt:
A Bit Cagey
Contestants will be locked inside a cage as it spins in the water. They must unlock 4 locks, exit the cage, and swim over to a buoy to stop the clock. The cage will increase in speed with every revolution. No one will be eliminated, but the person with the fastest time will win a 1 week, all inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic to stay at the Breezes Punta Cana Resort.
Before they begin, we learn that Omarosa can’t swim and will not be participating in this stunt. Damn non elimination stunts. We get to see her “test swim”, which is basically her attempting a doggie paddle in her stupid swim cap but looking like a buoy before crying for help.
Ethan is up first, and opens the first lock right away. He begins to struggle as it picks up speed, but is able to get lock #2. He’s having all sorts of trouble now, and after tumbling around for a bit, decides he’s had enough.
Nikki is up next, and is having an even tougher time with this. She goes round and round and isn’t even able to open the first one. She too calls it quits.
Ryan steps up to take his shot, not looking too confident after seeing the other 2 bail out. He gets going and opens the first one quickly. He gets the second one as well, but is soon overwhelmed and gives up. Looks like nobody is going on vacation.
The gang makes their way back to the shipyard where they meet up with Joe. He informs them that in addition to the 50 thousand dollar prize, the winner will also get the trip to the Dominican Republic. He then shows them their final stunt:
Over the Top
Contestants must drive up and over another car that has a ramp attached going from the back to the front. The person that drives up and over the most times before either wiping out or running out of road will win. In the event of a tie, the fastest time will prevail.
Omarosa is up first, and I’m hoping for a fiery wreck. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that. She takes off and easily makes her first 2 passes. The ramp car starts to swerve a bit as she completes #3 and positions herself for a 4th try. She is able to make #4, lands hard and runs out of road. Her official mark is 4 passes in 1:02.
Ethan is up next, and is joined by Jenna for this last stunt. He gets going and makes easy work of the first 2 passes. He lands hard but is able to keep it together on the next 2 before running out of road. He finishes with 4 passes in 52.5 seconds to move into the lead and, most importantly, send Omarosa home. Joe even “fires” her for good measure.
Nikki is next, and now has a perma-smile after seeing Omarosa sent home. Nik takes off and quickly makes 2 passes. She completes the 3rd, but gets hung up on #4 as both right side tires fall off the ramp leaving her stuck. She’s going home, but not empty handed as she takes with her a 20 grand credit card.
Trista joins her
lapdoghusband Ryan for this last run. He gets strapped in and takes off, getting the first 2 just as easy as the others. He also gets the next 2 and tries for #5. He makes it to the top, but drives off the side, blowing out the right front tire as he lands. That last attempt will not count. He finishes with 4 passes in 48 seconds.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Ryan is your Fear Factor “Reality Stars” champion!
Next week: a special twins episode.
There are no TV cameras at my house either – firstname.lastname@example.org