Fear Factor – 02/14/05
Hey boys and girls, welcome to the final chapter of the couple’s tournament. Eight pairs started this thing weeks ago, and after much jumping, swimming, eating, crying, and yelling, only three remain in the game. How fitting is it that one couple will be crowned champion on Valentine’s Day? Then again, does anyone (that isn’t a woman) really care about Valentine’s Day? Didn’t think so. OK, enough of that – away we go…
After a recap of the insanity and prizes already won, the remaining couples find themselves by the side of a swamp. Host Joe Rogan is standing in front of a covered table, and removes the cloth to reveal part of their next stunt:
Frog in the Throat
The ladies will be locked in a bamboo cage filled with “hundreds of bullfrogs”. On “GO”, the men will have to run through the swamp and get to a box filled with scorpions where they fill find 1 of the 2 keys to unlock the box. After removing the first lock, they must go through the swamp again to a second box containing “hundreds of rats”, where they will search for the second key using only their mouths. Once the cage is opened, they must run back over to Joe where they each must drink 16 ounces of blended bullfrog and swamp water.* No one will be eliminated, but the couple with the fastest time will win a pair of 2005 Jeep Liberty 4x4s, and the right to pick the order of the next stunt.
Maria & Craig are up first, and Joe reminds them again of their futility as they haven’t won anything yet. Maria, in her lovely light blue bikini, squirms as 5 garbage cans worth of frogs are dumped on top of her. Craig gets the “GO” and takes off. He quickly finds the key and opens the lock at around 34 seconds. He makes his way over to the rats, is a bit freaked out, but is able to find the second key. Maria is freed at around 1:25, and they race back across the swamp to get to Joe. He hands them each a glass and they start to drink at 1:49. They take a looooooooong time drinking. I’m talking seriously long. Like “seasons are changing” long. They finally finish in a time of 15:28.1, and run off to blow chunks.
Dean & Ashley are up next, and Ash freaks as the frogs are dumped on her polka dotted blue bikini. Dean takes off, has a bit of trouble finding the first key, but is able to make it back and open the lock at about 36 seconds. He has a much easier time dealing with the rats and frees Ashley at around 1:24. They race back to Joe and begin drinking. Dean downs about half the glass while Ash takes 2 small sips. He then dumps about half of her smoothie into his glass and continues to pound it down. He empties his glass, grabs her glass, and proceeds to polish off the rest,* and they finish in a much faster time of 4:13.1.
Roberto & Leah finish this stunt, with her in a beautiful black 2-piece. Roberto takes off, gets the key, and opens the lock at around 29 seconds. So far, so good. He has no trouble with the second key, and frees her in 1:15. They get back to Joe, but Roberto is out of breath. They both struggle mightily, and Leah comes close to losing it. They are both about halfway through when they run out of time, meaning D&A win another set of cars.
*I’m calling shenanigans. Joe stated in the description of the stunt that they EACH had to drink 16 ounces. Ashley didn’t come close. No penalty, no mention of it, nothing. Their victory is tainted in my opinion. But, since my opinion is worthless and means absolutely nothing, I will say this – conspiracy! It is part of an elaborate set up by the church because they are the only married couple and the others are “living in sin”. I even heard that Jose Canseco mentions them in his new book, take that for what you will.*
It’s time for the final stunt, and the couples make their way down an empty stretch of road next to a lake. They meet up with Joe, and he directs their attention to the water:
The Big Finish
Couples will start out in the speedboat and race towards the helicopter. Once there they must climb the ladders and make it inside. The chopper will them take them over to a semi truck and land on the roof, and they must climb down onto the trailer and enter through a hole in the roof. Once inside they must open combination locks on the lockers, put on the helmet, and hop into a car. They must then drive the car through the rear door and crash down on the runway. The clock starts when they grab the ladders and stops when they get inside the helicopter. It starts again when their feet touch the top of the truck and stops when they smash through the door. The couple with the fastest time will win 1 million dollars.
Leah & Roberto are chosen to go first. They get going, get to the ladder, and start the climb. Roberto makes it inside first, and Leah eventually gets there to stop the clock at 44.6 seconds. At the truck, Rob gets in first and begins to work on the lock, opening it rather quickly. Leah follows closely behind, but has some trouble with the lock as precious seconds tick away. She manages to open it, pop the helmet on, and hop in the car. They strap in, start it up, and drive through the door in a time of 1:28.4.
Craig & Maria are picked next. 13 stunts and NO wins so far. Maybe that’s about to change. They get into position and take off. Craig makes it into the chopper first, and Maria follows up to stop the clock at 41.2. Over at the truck, Craig heads in first, gets his helmet, and hops in the car just as Maria opens her lock. She gets in, they strap in and crash through in 1:17.8 to take the lead! Can this be?
Sadly, we say good bye to Roberto & Leah but they don’t leave empty handed. Their take is 30 grand and a trip to L.A., not too shabby.
All eyes are on Dean & Ashley as they get into position. They get going, grab the ladders, and start to climb. I’m hoping they fall. My wishes go unanswered and make it inside at 39.5. They get in the truck, get the helmets at around the same time, and head out the door. The clock disappears and suspense builds. D&A get back over to Joe and he tells them that their time was 1:11.6. Make that 0 for 14 for C&M. Conspiracy I tell ya’.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dean & Ashley are your 1 million dollar Fear Factor Couple’s champions. Bah!
Next week: Viva Las Vegas! A special show form “Sin City”.
I am not in Canseco’s book… firstname.lastname@example.org