Fear Factor – 11-22-04
Hello again boys and girls. Tonight, we celebrate Thanksgiving with a special 4 stunt, 110 minute edition. I know, if you’re like me, you’re thinking “WTF? Couldn’t they fill the extra 10 minutes with something…like gratuitous bikini shots?” Lousy bastards. Anyway, away we go:
Vadim Mordovin – Student from Syracuse, New York. He’s here to prove that short men can compete.
April Steiner – Professional Pole Vaulter from Mesa, Arizona. This Olympic hopeful missed out by 2 spots for the most recent games. (Insert “Pole” jokes here)
Kathy Micali – Gym Owner from Vancouver, Canada. She’s pretty hot, eh? I need to plan another trip.
Jayson Woolley – Club Promoter from New York, NY. Already starting the trash talk by saying “There is a chance I might be gone today, I think they call that chance when hell freezes over”. We’ll see about that.
Landon Cooper – Professional Soccer Player from Helena, Alabama. He hates trash talkers, I like him already.
Elizabeth Costello – Bartender from Cincinnati, Ohio. She watches the show all the time with her dad, who is sick with cancer and was given 6 months to live 6 months ago. Now he gets to see his baby on TV.
The group is assembled on what looks like a pirate ship, and I’m expecting Rupert to pop up and steal their shoes any second now. Thankfully, host Joe Rogan appears out of nowhere to welcome them and go over the rules. As they sail along the Pacific, he takes them to the back of the boat and directs their attention to the first stunt:
It’s Not the Size of the Boat…
Contestants will start out in a dingy that is being dragged behind the ship. On “GO”, they will jump onto a cargo net, release 6 flags and clip them to their belts, and release a 7th flag at the top to stop the clock. The 2 men and 2 women with the fastest times will move on.
Kathy is up first, and keeping with the spirit of things, I am thankful for her lovely baby blue bikini. She gets into position, gets the countdown, and takes off. She makes her way up the net, releasing and clipping all of the flags. Kathy has a bit of trouble releasing the last one, but manages to stop the clock at 59.7 seconds.
April is next, and we learn that she got into pole vaulting because the college was just handing out scholarships for their new women’s program. Nice country. She reveals a sexy black 2-piece, and she is ripped! She gets going, and is moving much faster. April practically flies up the net and finishes in 33.8 seconds. Too bad there is no Olympic event for this.
Elizabeth finishes up for the ladies in a beautiful pink bikini. As she goes off to get ready, Vadim shows off his pierced nipples. Little freak. Liz takes off and has some trouble at first, but gets things together. She races to the top and rips off the last flag in 48.3 seconds. That will send the lovely Canuck Kathy on the
walkswim of shame.
Vadim is first for the guys, and the others wonder if his piercings will get caught on the net. He gets going, and starts a bit slow. He struggles his way to the top and finishes in 1:03.4. Not a very good showing as the eliminated Kathy had a better time.
Jayson is next, and is very confident. He gets out to a good start, but is a little off April’s pace. He steadily makes his way up and stops the clock at 44.6 seconds. Things get a bit darker for Vadim.
Landon finishes the stunt, and we learn that he’s been playing soccer all over the world since the age of 6. He’s even picked up a bit of a British accent, which is funny seeing as he was born in Alabama and raised in Georgia. He begins, and methodically goes up the net and stops the clock at 52.1. That sends Vadim on his way.
The remaining 4 get to land and walk up onto a clearing on the beach. Joe is standing in front of a table, and on the table is a maggot covered turkey. Luckily for them, they don’t have to eat the turkey. But, they will have to eat:
FF’s Thanksgiving Buffet / Bury the Hatchet
There are 5 covered pots on the table. Contestants must choose 3 of the 5 and eat what’s inside. Nobody will be eliminated, but for each of the 3 things they eat, they will get 1 hatchet. They will then throw the hatchets at a target and whoever comes closest to the center will receive PS2’s “Call of Duty: Finest Hour” and 10 thousand dollars. The winner will also choose the order of the next stunt. If they pass on a dish, they can NOT go back. They will have 9 minutes to finish.
In the pots are: #1 – green beans & worms, #2 – maggot mashed potatoes and rotten fish sauce gravy, #3 - bile gelatin with African cave spiders, #4 –stink beetle, worm, and cockroach stuffing, #5 – sheep brain & worm pie
Liz chooses 1, 4, 5. April takes 1, 2, 4. Jay picks 1, 3, 4. Landon goes with 1, 3, 4 also. They all begin chowing down, and this is such a mess I’m going to have to wait for Joe to call this one. Form the looks of things, Landon seems to be doing the best although they are all still struggling to eat. The final tally is: Liz = 1 hatchet, April = 2, Jayson = 1, Landon = 3. All 4 run off to blow chunks after getting the “OK”.
Liz is throwing first, and doesn’t even hit the target, it bounces about a foot in front. April goes high and misses with her first, and bounces her second off the front. Landon sticks 2 of his 3 in the outer ring, and misses on #3. Jayson also hits the outer ring and it comes down to a measurement. Landon is 12 inches from center, Jayson is 10 inches away. Jayson wins the 10 grand, the video game, and the right to pick the order of the next stunt.
The 4 contestants are back on the ship headed out to sea. Joe emerges from down below and shows them the next stunt:
Ball & Chain
Contestants will be bound by the ankles and shackled to a ball and chain. They must then walk a plank and drop into the water. Once in the water, they must unscrew the shackle and swim over and touch the side of the boat. The person with the slowest time will be sent home, and the one with the fastest time gets to choose the order of the finals.
April is chosen to go first, and Jay talks more smack, wondering where the competition is. She gets ready, walks the plank, and hits the water. She begins working the shackle immediately and is able to get it off quickly. April hits the surface and makes it to the boat in 20.4 seconds. Pretty impressive, maybe she should petition the Olympic committee to get these foolish things in. They already do have curling and that silly thing where you ski and shoot targets, so anything is possible.
Landon is chosen next, and is scarily calm. He takes the plunge and has some difficulty. He stays with it for a bit, but decides he’s had enough and quits. Buh bye soccer boy.
Jayson chooses to go next, and predicts he’ll be the last one standing. I predict a visit from our old friend Foreshadowing again. Jay takes his stroll, and hits the water. He frees himself, and makes it to the boat in 22.5 seconds.
Liz finishes this stunt, and we get to see her lovely pink bikini again. She gets into position and jumps in. She gets right to work, frees herself, and gets to the boat in 24.7 seconds.
The 3 amigos find themselves on the boat again. Joe congratulates them on getting this far, and lets them in on the final stunt:
Seven flags are secured to a rope underneath the hull of the ship. Contestants will have 2 minutes to dive down and transfer as many flags as possible from the rope to their belts. The person that gets the most flags in 2 minutes will win.
Liz is chosen to go first, and we get to see the pink bikini for a 3rd time. I love this show…and I think I love Liz. She gets the countdown and jumps in. The FF gods are definitely on the clock tonight as her top comes undone. If only the fuzzy nudity blob guy had the night off. Damn him! That causes her to stress out a bit as she comes back up for air with 3 flags. She heads down, grabs 2 more, and comes up again. She is able to get the last one and clip it in 1:52.
Jay is chosen next, and talks even more trash. Foreshadowing has just donned his scuba gear. He jumps in, and comes up for air after 1 flag. He comes up again after the second one too. 2 more flags and another breath. He is officially choking bigtime now, and it has nothing to do with drowning. He gives up at around 1:40 with 4 flags. Add his name to “the list”.
All eyes are on April as she finishes this stunt. She jumps in and gets 5 with her first breath. After a quick trip to the surface, she heads back down to grab the last 2 and finishes in 1:00 even!
Ladies and Gentlemen April is your Fear Factor “Thanksgiving” champion. She runs back onto the ship and jumps Joe’s bones, kissing his forehead. It’s good to be the host, I guess.
Coming soon: a Christmas show, couples, Miss USA, NY vs. LA, newlyweds, and “Reality TV stars".
Next week: a best friends show…with leeches!
I am thankful for this show, hot chicks, bikinis, and cold water… firstname.lastname@example.org