Fear Factor – 01/13/03
Another bunch of folks have been brought together to be messed with, so let’s meet ‘em:
Ericka Arroyo – Aerospace student from Daytona Beach, Florida. Says she’d sacrifice a finger for 50 Gs, Hey, what can I get for $20 bucks? She has big boobs and appears to be cold.
Sue Previti – Graphic Designer from Hicksville, New York. Punk Grrrrl likes moshpits and motorcycles, and has graphically designed herself with facial piercings and an ugly tattoo on her arm.
Mark Hewlett – Importer from Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe. He grew up on a game reserve, and brags about killing and eating vicious and bloodthirsty Antelope. He’s wearing a funny hat and needs to pull up his pants.
Kamasu Livingston – Private Investigator from Danville, California. He has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I have a black belt in cowhide.
Kim Gruber – EMT from St. Louis, Missouri. She’s doing this show because “you only live once”. This show might put an end to that. She has big boobs too…I wonder if they get in the way while she’s performing mouth to mouth resuscitation?
Dale Castro – Web Designer from Gilbert, Arizona. He’s doing this for his baby boy. Yeah, this will make his son proud, and give him a need for therapy.
They meet up with host Joe Rogan in an alley, and he introduces the first stunt:
Modified Barrel Roll
Contestants must “log roll” the barrel across the alley, from the top of one building to the other. The buildings are 7 stories high. The 4 fastest times will move on to the next round.
Kim kicks things off, and we are treated to multiple shots of her chest as the crew struggles to fit the harness around them…uh, her. Joe counts down and she’s off at a pretty quick pace. However, his countdown was longer than her attempt, as she slides off the barrel after about 10 feet. We are again treated to multiple shots of her chest from her helmet cam, as it was coincidentally pointed in that direction. Ericka is still cold.
Kamasu gets ready, and discusses his name with Joe. It means “quiet warrior” or “silent killer” in a Japanese-Swahili mix. Interesting, named after flatulence. He also has a tattoo of symbols that mean “evil courage”. Um, I don’t get it, evil courage? WTF does that mean? Anyway, Kam has it rolling well, until he gets about halfway. He starts to lose his balance, decides to turn sideways, then drops down to straddle the barrel. I hope he was wearing a cup. He makes a valiant effort to keep from falling, but the barrel is too slippery for his mighty warrior hands. Ericka is still cold.
Dale is up next and dedicates it to his son, he wants to be his role model. Yes, one day baby Donovan will also do stupid things for money. Dale starts very slow, taking baby steps. “His son will be 18 by the time he finishes” cracks Joe. Dale wavers a few times, but keeps moving forward. He’s going to make it, he’s going to make it, he’s going to….fall about 15 feet from the finish. Donovan now has an excuse for when he steals the car and totals it.
Ericka is next and is still cold. Joe asks her what she wants to be when she graduates, “I don’t know” is her reply. Hey baby, I’ve got a rocket in my pocket….ahem, sorry about that. Ok, she gets the count down and takes off, well sort of. She has trouble getting the barrel to roll forward, and after a few minutes, falls off back at the starting area. A truly sorry attempt, but she’s cute so I’ll cut her some slack.
Mark and his silly hat get into position. He’s a surfer, so he feels he’ll be alright. I have my doubts, but I don’t know what they use for surfboards in Zimbabwe. He makes it about half way before sliding off.
All eyes are on Sue as she removes her face metal and gets hooked up. She has the same problem as Ericka (and I don’t mean being cold). After moving about a foot, she rolls back to the starting area and falls off.
Losers, all of them. This is a Fear Factor first. Since the show can’t end this early, they’ll all be brought back and the prize money will be cut in half.
The failures arrive in a warehouse, with Ericka and Kim spilling out of their tops, and are shown their next stunt:
Contestants must move the dead rats from a pile on a table to a bucket behind a barrier using only their mouths. They can not use their hands, and can not lean on the barrier. They will have 2 minutes to get as many in as they can. The contestants are randomly paired off, and the winner of each race will move on to the finals.
1st race – Dale vs. Kamasu. Ok, hands behind your back boys. 3-2-1-GO! They both miss their first few, but Dale starts to get hot. At one point he hits 6 in a row. After much yelling and screaming time is up, let’s count ‘em. Final score: Dale 17 – Kamasu 7
2nd race – Ericka vs. Kim, The Battle of the Boobs! This race starts off on a torrid pace, the lead flip flops and they are tied at 7 after the first minute. It seems that these ladies are very adept at using their mouths. Back and forth they go, right down to the wire. Final score: Ericka 14 – Kim 16
3rd race – Mark vs. Sue to close this out. Mark looks like he’s done this before, a lot. Maybe he played this game as a child. This one isn’t even close as Mark destroys Sue. Final score: Mark 22 – Sue 9.
It’s on to the finals for Dale, Kim, and Mark.
A Long Drive Off a Short Pier
Contestants must drive a car down a runway and launch it off a ramp into a pool. Once they hit the water, they must unclip a flag, exit the car, swim to the ladder, exit the pool, and clip the flag to a pole. The person with the fastest time wins.
Mark is up first, and talks about surfing once more. Again, this doesn’t look like a surfboard to me. But hey, just like I’ve never been to Zimbabwe, I’ve never been surfing either. He leaves the ramp, and the car’s hood pops up upon splashdown. He quickly removes his harness, unclips the flag, and leaves the car. He hits the surface, and practically flies to the ladder. He clips the flag to the pole in a time of 37 seconds. That shows you how much I know.
Dale is on deck. His hood pops as well, and he too is fast with the harness. But in a devastating move, he starts to swim in the wrong direction. This proves costly as he corrects himself and makes it up the ladder and to the pole in 44 seconds. Apparently he hit his head leaving the car and that made him a little loopy.
Kim has the last shot at the cash. Sadly, she’s not wearing a bikini. Her hood manages to stay in place as she frees herself and grabs the flag. She makes it to the surface and then proceeds to swim like she had a cinder block tied to her. I thought for a second that they were showing her in slow motion. But she was really that slow, her clock hit 40 seconds and she was still halfway to the ladder.
And so that means Ratboy wins the loser edition of Fear Factor.
Next Week: back to back episodes of humiliation!
To contact the author, send mail to email@example.com