Fear Factor – 10/04/04
Hey folks, welcome to another “All Female” show. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen one of these, I was beginning to worry. Shows like this make me really happy to be a man. A straight man. The ladies taking part in this freak show are:
Nicole Busa – Waitress from Shelton, Connecticut. She’s happy that she’ll be facing off against just women. Heh, me too!
Colleen Brewster – Promotional Model from Ormond Beach, Florida. Her strategy is to “just do the stunt”. Uhh…ok, that just might work.
Krystina Crane – Cocktail Waitress from Las Vegas, Nevada. Starts the trash talking by saying that she doesn’t think the other girls have had to struggle for anything, ever.
Kelly Hopper – Hairstylist from Gatesville, Texas. Well, it looks like things are bigger in Texas.
Harmony Oswald – Broadcast Journalist from Bedford, Pennsylvania. She’s going to try the “nice, friendly” approach. Like that matters on this show?
Danell Laurence – Retail Manager from Houston, Texas. Jeez, things are even bigger in other parts of Texas. She looks like she’s smuggling cantaloupes.
The ladies make their way along a path next to a lake. No sense in making us wait for the water stunt, thanks FF. They meet up with host Joe Rogan, and as usual, he welcomes them and goes over the rules. He then directs their attention to the first stunt:
Just Hangin’ Out
The Fear Factor helicopter makes its return! Contestants will have both feet and one wrist locked to a platform that is hanging beneath the chopper. As the platform swings back and forth, the ladies must unlock themselves and jump into the water to stop the clock. The two slowest times will be eliminated, and the fastest time gets to pick the order of the next stunt.
Harmony is up first, and almost falls on the loose rocks. Damn. And in true female fashion, the others get catty and talk s*** as soon as she’s out of hearing range. She removes her jeans to reveal the other half of her blue and white flowered 2-piece and gets strapped down. Harmony gets the countdown and begins working on her bound wrist. She is slow and steady as she frees herself, and splashes down in 36.1 seconds.
Kelly is up next, and graces us with a beautiful pink bikini. Joe has the former cheerleader Nicole do a little number for Kelly. Even though she is hot, the cheer is very lame. Kelly gets going, and is moving a bit faster at first. She struggles a bit on the second ankle and hits the water in 36 seconds. Can’t get much closer than that.
Nicole is next, and gives us a “Go me” cheer. Um honey, stop that. She discards her “Daisy Duke” shorts and we get to see the rest of her light blue bikini that looks strangely like cake frosting. Seriously, it’s got a ruffle-like texture to it, and that’s the first thing that came to mind. Mmmm. We learn that she is also a former pageant girl, and Joe asks her what the toughest parts of pageants are. Nicole responds with “ummm…”, and he fires back “that you have to answer questions?”. Nice. She’s off and makes good time, and does a face plant at 29.7 seconds to take the lead.
Colleen is up next, sporting a sexy orange/red bikini. The other girls continue the smack talk and it seems they are interchangeable. One leaves, one comes back, they just keep going without missing a word. Colleen gets out to a good start as well, with a slight delay on an ankle. That’s not a problem though, as she finishes in 29.4 seconds, moving into the lead.
Danell is next, and I realize she talks very fast. Slow down hon, that doesn’t win you anything. We get to see the rest of her multi-colored polka dot bikini as she gets ready. Surprisingly, Danell works just as fast as she talks. She flies though, finishing in 22.3 seconds.
Krystina finishes this stunt in a light green 2-piece, with a big yellow flower print on the left side. No, just no. She has little trouble with this, and finishes in 27.5 seconds, sending Harmony & Kelly on the walk of shame.
The remaining ladies make their way down a road up in the hills. They meet Joe, who is standing by a table next to an old fruit & vegetable truck. He welcomes the girls and asks them if they’re hungry. Uh oh, you know what that means.
***Those of you squeamish folks might want to skip this next stunt.***
Road Kill Café
Contestants will grab a shovel and toss a small carcass-like object towards a target painted on the road. There are three sections on the target: blue (outer), yellow (inner), red (center). If it lands in the blue section they must eat a large portion, yellow a small portion, and if they hit the red they won’t have to eat anything. What will they be eating? Glad you asked. A pile of animal organs sprinkled with flies and maggots. Sweet!
Colleen is chosen to go first, and we find out that she’s a vegetarian and hasn’t eaten meat in 7 years. Sucks to be her I guess. She is game though, and grabs her shovel. Her carcass lands in the blue section, meaning she’ll be eating the large portion and have 7 minutes to do so. Colleen digs in, and is choking and gagging through it. Joe does a good job of keeping her calm as Krys starts up with the vomit noises. Amazingly, Colleen is able to finish off that pile of slop.
Nicole is picked next, and she too hits the blue after 4 misses. She starts to freak, and complains that it’s cold. Would it be better if it was warm? WTF? She makes a lame attempt and ends up quitting without even putting it near her mouth. Joe gives her a “see you later” cheer as she takes the walk.
Krys is next, and hits the yellow. She struggles a bit, but is pretty well off for the most part. She even takes time to open her mouth and show Danell how tasty it is. Krys is able to finish and moves to the finals.
Danell finishes this stunt. But before she takes her turn, Krys & Colleen decide they need to blow chunks. Joe awards Krys the “puke” winner. How nice, I bet she’s proud. Danell flings her carcass and hits the blue. She has all sorts of trouble with the first mouthful, but manages to keep it together using the “hold your nose” technique. I guess that works, as she’s able to finish off the yummy meal.
The last three ladies head to the pier for their final stunt. Joe directs their attention to out over the water:
Round & Round She Goes
Four rotating beams are suspended above the water. Contestants must jump between the beams, releasing flags along the way. On the way down they will grab the 4 yellow flags, and grab the 4 red on the way back. The woman that gets the most flags the fastest will win.
Krys is up first, and is very calm. She gets into position and takes off, getting the first 3 pretty easily. She hesitates when going for the 4th, as the beam makes 2 full revolutions before she jumps. She makes it, and starts her way back. She misses the last flag, and ends up with 7 flags in 1:49.5
Colleen is next and is confident. She gets going, gets the first flag, but misses the jump going for #2 and tumbles into the water. Buh bye Colleen, thanks for coming.
Danell finishes this stunt. She starts out slow, and looks very nervous. She’s having a hard time just standing up, and landing very hard when she jumps. She makes it down, and starts on the way back. Danell gets the first 2 red flags, but lands on the side of the next beam. She hangs on and tries to pull herself back up, but to no avail. She slips and splashes down with 6 flags.
Ladies and Gentlemen Krystina is your “All Female” Fear Factor champion!
Next week: Fear Factor is hitting the beach!
I am not the producer, casting director, Joe Rogan, but you can still send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org