Fear Factor 01-06-03
That special feeling returns with a brand new episode following the Holiday break reruns. Let’s meet the victims:
Nicole Sintihakis – Business student from Sugerland, Texas. I think I’m in love.
Tim Downing – Airline Pilot from Houston, Texas. “Bla bla challenge myself, bla bla bla money”.
Jessica Davis – Management Consultant from St. Louis, Missouri. The only reason she’s there is her son. Huh?
Toby Hewitt – Hardware Sales Clerk from Farmington, Minnesota. Uhhh…I got nothing.
Holli Lamb – Coast Guard from Plymouth, Massachusetts. “When you look at me, you wouldn’t think that I’ve been in the military for 7 years”. She's right, I was thinking she’d be on a calendar in someone’s office. She has big boobs.
Reginald Van Derson – Entertainer from St. Louis, Missouri. Knows he’s going to win, this is just a formality, major trash talker.
The gang arrives at a lake and meets up with host Joe Rogan. He goes over the rules, and fills them in on their first stunt:
Contestants will hang by their ankles from a helicopter above the lake, one leg is locked, the other has a quick release. One of the 3 keys will open the lock. The 2 men and 2 women with the fastest times will move on to the next round.
Nicole is lucky #1 and Reggie talks trash. Woohoo swim suit! (a lovely 2 piece with a light blue bottom and dark blue pattered top) Reggie talks trash. She’s hooked up, and when the clock starts she grabs the lock with one hand and the keys with the other. The Gods smile on her as she picks the right key on the first try, opens the lock, pulls the release, and splashes down in the water in 15 seconds. Everyone is stunned as she returns to the group, even Reggie stops talking trash for a minute. I would like to thank her for putting her little tank-top back on, and I would also like to thank the water for being cold.
Jessica is next, and explains to Joe that her son loves him and the show, and that’s her motivation. Ah yes, every son wants to see his mom humiliated on national TV. School should be fun for him. Reggie talks trash, and Joe tells him that every week the person with the big mouth usually gets sent home. Reggie continues to talk trash. Jess is ready to go, and immediately on take-off she pulls on the quick release. Now hanging by the locked leg, she ends up ripping the keys off of the tether. She fumbles with the keys for a few seconds before dropping them into the water. She is the first to take the walk of shame, way to make your son proud Jess.
Holli closes out the women (wearing a hot red 2 piece), and has trouble with the first key. She struggles to hold herself up as she goes through the other keys, and Reggie talks trash. She manages to pull and twist herself into some sort of ballerina pose, and finally gets the lock to open. It’s a good thing time didn’t matter for her as she finished in 2:12. Dripping wet, she makes her way back to the group. As I type this, I’m planning a short trip to Plymouth to stage a boating accident.
Tim goes first for the guys, and isn’t nervous because he’s a pilot, and is calm under pressure. In a surprise move, Reggie talks trash. Tim says he going to use the money to pay for his flight lessons and to have a party. Top Gun struggles with the first key, but is able to pull himself into an upright position. He spends what seems like an hour messing with the keys before finally giving up in 4:05. Punch out Maverick.
Reggie talks trash as Joe sweetens the pot for the 2 remaining men by offering a thousand dollars for the one with the fastest time. Toby readies himself and is off. He has a ton of trouble trying to spin the lock around, and his arms end up giving out in 3:25. He doesn’t really do or say anything remotely interesting or funny, so…um…I’ll end on that note.
While Reggie talks trash, Joe asks why he’s so cocky. He replies with “I’m a break dancer, I have strong arms”. Break dancing? WTF, people still do that? With an S-load of backing up to do, he gets hooked up. Upon lift-off, Mr. Mouth foolishly rips the keys from the tether. And, his next brilliant move is to pull the quick release. Well, he is entertaining as he thrashes around like a fish on a hook. He ends up dropping the keys from his mouth at 4:55, thus ending the Reggie show. He talked the talk, now he walks the walk…of shame. Bust a move Reg.
Joe congratulates the 2 ladies and comments on what a crazy first day it’s been. The next day, the ladies ride into what looks like an old western town on horseback. They tie off the horses and walk over to Joe, who’s standing in front of a big pot on top of a barrel. He welcomes them, then asks if they’re hungry. He informs them that they will be playing a game of horse shoes, and shows them their yummy snack – horse rectums.
Well I’ll be a horses ass
Each contestant gets 3 tosses, and one of their choosing will be thrown out. Their total score will be the amount of inches they’ll have to eat. The scoring is 0 inches for a ringer, 8 for the 1st zone, 6 for the 2nd, 7 for the 3rd, and 8 for anywhere outside.
Nicole is first once again, and gets a 7 on her first, an 8 on her second (which she throws out) and a 6 on her third. Joe reaches into the pot, pulls one out, stretches it across a cutting board, grabs a ruler and meat cleaver and chops off 13 inches. Nicole digs in, and Holli comments on how juicy and wet it is (heh heh). Holli must’ve picked up a few things from Reggie as she pesters Nicole on every bite. “Tastes like chicken” Nicole says after Joe asks how it is. She hops side to side while chewing, and Joe dubs it “the happy rectum dance”. Surprisingly, the scarfs it all down without gagging.
Holli comes really close to the pin with her first, but not close enough as she gets an 8 (which she tosses). Her second throw is a 6, and her third is almost exactly like her first, close but no ciga…er...rectum. Joe hacks off 14 inches of the tasty treat and hands it over. Holli’s eyes water and she gags on her first bite, this could get ugly. In voiceover, she explains that she had a tough time with the “juicy little jelly balls”. She’s down to 2 minutes, and still has quite a bit left. Joe cheers her on, “Come on Holli you can do it, you’re an animal, swallow it, just swallow it”. Uuhhh huh huh, he said swallow it [/butthead] “30 SECONDS” Joe screams as she fights to get it down, “10 SECONDS, 9…8…7…6”. She quits at 6, she ate approximately 12 inches of horse ass for nothing.
Now as per the wacky rules, Nicole is handed 25 grand. Because she can’t compete against herself, Holli will come back for the finals and they will both vie for the remaining 25 Gs. They both have great bodies and like showing them off, so we all win!
Scaffold balance beam thingy, version 572
Various size beams are constructed in a square/rectangle and suspended 100 feet in the air. The outer most beams are the widest, but that is the longest route. The one that makes it to the finish line the fastest, wins.
Nicole wins the coin toss and chooses to go first. She has a background in ballet, and thinks that will help her. I’m not so sure. I don’t remember a balance beam scaffold in the “Nutcracker”. I could be wrong though. She starts off on the outer 12 inch beam, and goes for the short-cut on the 6 inch middle beam. She makes it to the end of that section with the beam and her legs shaking. While trying to make the turn onto the 8 inch beam, she loses her balance and falls.
Holli takes the safest route, since she doesn’t have a time to beat, and goes slowly. Very s-l-o-w-l-y. She gets to the end of that section, and makes the turn onto the 8 inch portion, talking to herself the whole way. Going even slower, and with the beam shaking like an old washing machine, she amazingly makes it to the next section. Another 8 inch beam, more shaking, and more self conversation as she makes it to the final turn. She takes her sweet old time getting onto the last 6 inch beam, as Nicole makes a sorry attempt at trash talking. “Fall, fall, fall” and “you’re shaking” she says as it is quite obvious that she did not learn anything from Reggie. With her legs quivering like a bowl of jello, Holli inches her way to the finish line to win the remaining 25 grand.
Holli’s happy because she won, Nicole’s happy because she won, and I’m happy because I got to see 2 hot chicks eat horse ass.
See ya next week for dead rats and more big boobs!
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