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Thread: Fear Factor "Why Buy the Cow" 02-17-04

  1. #1
    JR.
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    Fear Factor "Why Buy the Cow" 02-17-04

    Fear Factor 02-17-04

    Welcome back for a special Tuesday edition of Fear Factor. And since it is special, we will be treated to a 4 stunt / 90 minute show. Let’s meet the new set of victims:

    Melissa Heatherington – Police Officer from Creston, Iowa. She’s a cop, she’s not worried, and she’s taken on bigger guys than what’s in this competition.

    Michael Klein – Student from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He claims to be a laid back guy, but then says that you need to be physical here. Well, we’ll see if he can pull that off.

    April Davis – Physical Therapist from Westlake Village, California. She says she lives on the edge, and I notice her bikini top is living on the edge.

    Luis Ordonez – Mortgage broker from Irvine, California. “I’m so competitive, on a scale from 1 to 10, I’m a 12”. He clearly has interesting math skills, I don’t want him working on my mortgage.

    Nicole Dawson – Boat Captain from Laredo, Texas. She readily admits to not being very competitive. Um, does she know what show she’s on?

    Garrett Anderson – Research Advisor from Salt Lake City, Utah. “I’m the guy the ladies want to see, and I’m the guy the men want to hang with”. Just from him saying that, I already know I don’t want to hang with him. Ok ladies, I need some help here. I think he looks a bit “tool-ish”, but since I like women my judgment is clouded. What’s the verdict?

    The gang walks along a pier and find host Joe Rogan. Joe gives the usual welcome/rules speech, and lets them in on the first stunt:

    They don’t waste any time do they?
    Helicopter…uh…something or other
    Contestants will have to traverse a cargo net that is tied across both skids of a helicopter and remove as many of the 6 flags as possible. Then they must climb down a rope and try to remove another 3 flags. The 2 men and 2 women that get the most flags the fastest will move on.

    Nicole is up first, and reveals a royal blue 2 piece. As she gets ready, the others all seem to think she’ll do well. She starts with a slow, steady pace as she makes her way around the cargo net. She gets all 6 and starts on the rope, which has no knots to help out. Nicole gets the first 2 on her way down, but has trouble with the last one that’s attached at the very end of the rope. She struggles with that one for a few seconds before finally giving up and dropping into the water. Her official count is 8 flags in 1:49.

    Melissa is up next, and Joe starts in on her. “As a cop in Iowa, what do you protect? Cornfields? Do you ever go undercover as a scarecrow?” She takes it in stride, and they all get a good laugh as she gets into position. She gets going and makes it through the net fairly easily. She goes down the rope, getting the first 2 flags, and stops about 3 feet from the bottom. She hooks the rope with her foot and lifts it up to get an easy shot at the last flag. Nice thinking there Mel. She finishes with 9 flags in 1:43.1

    April is last for the ladies and graces us with a light blue, palm tree printed bikini. She starts out really slow, much slower than Nicole. She gets 3 flags before losing her grip and falling into the water. Buh-bye April.

    Luis is up first for the guys. He starts quickly, and clears the net in a little over 30 seconds. He hits the rope and easily gets the first 2, but then runs into trouble with the last one. After a short struggle, he falls into the water with 8 flags in 1:07.

    Mike is next, and is confident that he’ll get all 9. He moves a lot slower than Luis through the net, and gets to the rope at around 2 minutes. After the first 2, he screws up on the last 1 and drops to the water with 8 in 2:27.

    Garrett finishes things for the guys. He moves quickly through the net, and takes his time with the rope, making sure to get all 9 flags. He even hung upside-down to get the last one. That is enough to send Mike home.

    The remaining 4 walk across the top of a dam, and come to a clearing somewhere in the mountains. They meet up with Joe, and he lets them know that this will be a non elimination stunt. The winner will receive a 7 day trip for 2 to Jamaica, and stay at one of the Grand Lido “Super Club” all inclusive resorts. I am jealous. I spent a week in the “Super Club” at Runaway Bay, and didn’t want to come home…ever. Ok enough about me, on to the stunt:

    Hop, Skip, and a Jump
    2 clear platforms are suspended over 250 feet above the water. Contestants will have 45 seconds to jump back and forth across the 5 foot gap and transfer as many flags as possible. When time runs out the platforms will drop, sending the contestants on a 100 foot bungee ride. The person with the most flags will be going to Jamaica. It has been raining, and the plexiglass is wet.

    Luis is up first, and is very excited. He takes off, and slips and slides his way to a good pace. Back and forth he goes until the platforms give way. He ends up with 7 flags, and mumbles something about it not being 10. Again with the math, I hope someone checks his paperwork. He promises to bow to Garrett if he gets more.

    Garrett steps up, looking silly with a bandana tied around his head, and says it’s all about the bow. He has a little hesitation before his first jump, but settles down quickly. Even though he falls a few times, he still manages to grab 8 flags. Luis pays up, and bows to him.

    Melissa is up next, and Garrett vows to kiss her bare feet if she beats him. Eww, that should be a stunt all in itself. She takes off, and is having trouble making the jump. She’s all over the place as she goes back and forth, and only grabs 5 flags.

    Nicole finishes this stunt. She starts slowly, and stays slow throughout. She does manage to get 6, but that is not enough. Garrett is going to Jamaica.

    The gang arrives in a warehouse and finds Joe standing in front of a clear coffin-like box. There is a bunch of stuff hanging from the ceiling that looks like braided rope. But, we know it’s not rope. That would be too easy.

    Chewy Intestinal Goodness
    Contestants will sit in the box and have hundreds of pounds of cow intestines dumped on top of them. They will have to bite into the intestine, suck the fluid out, and spit it into a glass. Once they fill the glass, they will have to drink it all. The person with the slowest time will be sent home.

    Garrett is up first, and Joe comments that it smells like cow ass. How pleasant. Garrett gets the countdown and digs right in, with fluid squirting all over the place. Joe is nauseous and says he might actually hurl this time. “This is wrong on so many levels” he states. Even I get a little grossed out by this, I think that’s a first. Garrett chomps his way through, and eventually fills the glass. He has some difficulty drinking the swill, and after a few gags is able to finish in 2:34.1.

    Nicole is up next, and is sporting a pink bikini. “We make you get into bikinis for safety reasons” cracks Joe. She hops in excitedly, and even reaches up and kisses one of the hanging intestines. Freak. She uses a slightly different approach after biting into it, the “milking” technique. The juice squirts and splatters all over the place as she fills her glass. The glass is full and she starts chugging, and finishes in 3:02.

    Luis is next, and once again is confident. He tears into it with a ferocious pace and fills the glass quickly. Like an animal, he downs the nasty crap in 1:12. Garrett returns the gesture and bows to his crap eating prowess.

    All eyes are on Melissa as she closes this stunt. She begins to chow down as the others cheer her on and make puking noises. She fills the glass and starts to drink at a little over 2 1/2 minutes. She swallows the last bit in 2:56.2. Nicole is going home

    On to the finals for the 3 amigos. They walk through a shipyard, and end up in the middle of the lot. Joe Congratulates them on getting this far, and shows them the final stunt:

    Tyke Bike
    A beam is suspended over 100 feet above the ground, with platforms at each end. Contestants must make it from one end to the other while riding a tiny little motorcycle. The beam starts at 2 feet and goes down to 10 inches. The one that makes it the farthest in the fastest time will win.
    The bike is so small it looks like something for an 8 year old. It’s knee high on Joe as he’s standing next to it.

    Luis is up first, and says that he’s ridden bikes for the past 5 or 6 years so he’ll be ok. He gets into position and gets the countdown. On “go” he guns the bike and rides straight down the beam and off the other platform in 6.1 seconds. Man, did he look silly riding that thing, but that is going to be tough to beat.

    Garrett is next, and goes off to get ready. He’s pumped and psyched and saying all the right things. He gets the countdown, takes off, and goes about 4 feet before falling off to the right side. See ya Garrett.

    Melissa finishes this stunt, and thinks she can do this. She gets ready as Luis nervously looks on. It’s only a short wait as she barely gets moving before falling off to the right just like Garrett.

    Ladies and Gentlemen Luis is your Fear Factor champion!

    Next week: Another 90 minute show with belly flops, eels, and…a broken heart?


    To contact the author send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com

  2. #2
    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    Woohoo! Makes me wish I hadn't wasted an hour of my life on American Idol 3, but thanks to my fave moderator, I got the next best thing to being there
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    I’m so competitive, on a scale from 1 to 10, I’m a 12”. He clearly has interesting math skills, I don’t want him working on my mortgage.


    I love your descriptions of the contestants JR.
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

  4. #4
    Smiling again... Zhora's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JR.
    Garrett Anderson – Research Advisor from Salt Lake City, Utah. “I’m the guy the ladies want to see, and I’m the guy the men want to hang with”. Just from him saying that, I already know I don’t want to hang with him. Ok ladies, I need some help here. I think he looks a bit “tool-ish”, but since I like women my judgment is clouded. What’s the verdict?
    He's the kind of guy that would probably be considered good looking if he had a better personality.

    Thanks for another great recap, JR.

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