Fear Factor 09-29-03
Tonight is part 1 of Fear Factor’s return to Sin City. Someone will win a brand new car, and the last one standing will head to the Black Jack table. Let’s meet the folks as they drive up in a double-decker Fear Factor bus–
Bobby Scali – Computer engineer from Stoneham, Massachusetts. I’m not saying anything just in case he’s connected. I live too close.
Krisandra Johnson –Dancer for the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves from Hillsboro, North Dakota. She just looks like a cheerleader, I had it pegged before they put the bio up.
Jamison Gilkey – Retail sales from Wichita, Kansas. He’s looking to win some loot, ‘cause he’s broke.
Lark Schmitt – Realtor from Lake Havasu City, Arizona. She doesn’t like to lose. You know, I’ve yet to hear anyone say that they absolutely enjoy losing. Aside from that, and the name, she looks good which is what’s really important.
Josh Schwadron – Business student from Miami, Florida. He’s not cocky, but likes to stand out and considers himself good. Hmm, I guess he hasn’t taken “Contradiction 101” yet.
Melinda Russell – Receptionist from Bend, Oregon. Umm…yes please!
The gang pulls up in front of the Mandalay Bay Casino and host Joe Rogan hops on the bus to go over the rules. He then directs their attention to the first stunt:
A half circular pole is attached to the roof of the casino and is suspended over the side more than 400 feet high. There are 5 flags attached to the pole. Contestants must make their way around the pole and release 5 flags, clipping the last one on a stick off to the side of the finish platform. The slowest man and woman will be sent home.
Lark is lucky #1, and Joe asks if she’s ever been to Vegas before. “Many times” she replies, but states that she doesn’t gamble. “So, what are you a hooker” Joe asks. Back on the ground, the other make with some small talk. Josh says something about his big hands, and Jamison is worried that Lark will pop a boob. That would be a travesty. She gets the countdown and inches her way along, posting the last flag in a time of 1:26.
Krisandra is up next, and Melinda comments that Kris’ clothes might give her trouble “depending on what kind of material the bar is made out of”. My first guess would be jello. Anyway, Joe finds out that she used to be a member of a rifle league. Wow, hot chicks and guns, does it get any better? It looks like our old friend Foreshadowing has made the trip to Vegas, as Melinda thinks that Kris will forget to clip the last flag and let it fall to the ground – essentially calling her a dumb blond. Kris takes off, makes good time and finishes in 1:14.
Melinda is last for the ladies, and makes her way to the roof. She starts really fast and gets to the 5th flag in less than 30 seconds. But, karma jumps up and bites her on the ass as she lets go of it, knocking her out of the competition. Damn, they should’ve had a water stunt first.
Bobby is up first for the guys, and tells Joe that his main opponent is Jamison. “Yeah, Josh is kinda like a doofus, it would suck if won the whole thing” Joe says. My thoughts exactly. Back on the ground, Josh gets left hanging as he tries to high-five the ladies, just to prove his doofusness. Bob is ready and takes off, making pretty good time. He gets to the last flag and pulls a Melinda. His only hope is for one of the other guys to do the same in slower time or fall off.
Jamison is next, and Josh comments on how he wants to stay up there as long as possible to “get as much NBC airtime as possible” The girls are disgusted, and I wish they would’ve hit him. Jamison is told that the pot has been sweetened and either he or Josh will get a thousand dollars, depending on who has the better time. He gets into position and takes off moving very s-l-o-w-l-y. So slow that the season might end with him still up there. He finally finishes in 6:17.
Josh closes this stunt out, and mentions something about winning GQ’s man on campus somethingorother. It a good thing magazines don’t have sound, as I’m sure people would’ve rolled it up and beat him with it. While he gets ready, Joe rags on Jamison’s saying the girls combined beat his time. Jamison says he’ll Riverdance if Josh screws up and allows him to win, and then does something I never thought I’d ever see in my entire life – a black man Riverdancing! That is a definite sign of the apocalypse. Josh takes off slow and steady, but nowhere near as slow as Jamison. He’s talking to himself the whole way as he clips the last flag in 2:01. That’ll send Bobby home, way to represent.
Joe takes the remaining contestants and they hop on board a monorail and end up at their next stunt:
Here Fishy Fishy
A tank filled with 500 Piranhas, and at the bottom of the tank are pig kidneys. Contestant must jump in and remove 7 kidneys using only their mouths. The 3 people with the fastest times will move on.
Josh is up first, and Jamison hopes that the fish don’t like “dark meat”. Josh gets the countdown and gets right to it. It’s a damn shame that these fish seem very well fed as they are avoiding him. That would’ve been fun. Josh gets his last kidney at 2:57.
Lark is next, and reveals a beautiful pink bikini. Boy, that water must be cold. In voiceover she says “the hardest part is just getting them in your mouth”, and I almost lose it. She starts ok, but slows down and finishes in 3:20. She is nice enough to stand there and watch the others without wrapping herself up in the towel. Thanks Lark!
Kris is next, and is wearing a lovely yellow 2-piece. It looks like you could wash clothes on her stomach. She has no trouble with this and finishes with a time of 1:24. Kris shows that she too is a kind hearted woman and refrains from hiding under the towel.
Jamison closes this stunt out and Josh starts yapping again about being in the finals with 2 girls. Joe puts a stop to that by saying “you have no shot with these 2 girls, you’ve already proven yourself to be a jackass”. Jamison gets down to business and starts a little slow. Uh oh, not again. He manages to pick up his pace and spits out the last kidney in 2:21, sending Lark on the walk of shame. Damn. She can walk to my house, there’s no shame here.
Joe takes the remaining 3 inside the Excalibur where they are greeted by a live audience. He shows them their next stunt:
Fear Factor Roulette
Contestants must eat African cave-dwelling spiders (which look like tiny aliens) to win betting chips. Each spider is worth 2 chips, and the chips will be used for a game of roulette. They have a maximum of 12 chips. The winner gets a beautiful red 2004 Mazda RX-8. There will be no elimination in this round.
Kris is lucky #1 and is visibly shaken already. Josh wonders how many girls he can get with that car, and Joe answers “you, probably none…you might be able to get a couple of male hookers though”. Kris is jumpy, whiny and hesitant as the crowd cheers her on. Joe is very good with her as he puts his arm around and gives her plenty of reassurance. He then says “grab it and put it in your mouth”. Yes, I laughed. After a few shaky attempts, Kris finally picks one up but freaks when trying to bite it. She tries again, and the crowd goes nuts as she chops down on the critter and polishes it off. She digs into her second one with legs and stuff falling from her mouth. She balks at a third, but manages to make it disappear. She stops at 3.
Jamison is up next, and he digs right in. “Tastes like chicken” he says, as he downs them like he’s done this before. He’s able to finish 6.
Josh closes this out. He tries to show off by tossing one in the air and catching in his mouth, but misses. It lands on his shirt, so he eats it right off of there. He takes the next one and lets it crawl on his head before eating it, and successfully makes the toss on his next one. He finishes all 6 as well.
The bets are placed, and the wheel is spun as this episode comes to an end. Come back next week to see who gets the car, taxi cabs, cockroaches, and who gets the cash.
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