Dog Eat Dog July 22 Recap: Who Let the Troll In?
Welcome to another episode of Dog Eat Dog, the reality TV game show where the contestants are picked for their stunning looks, especially when dressed in swimwear for a water challenge. And then, we meet Troll. What the hell is going on at NBC? Why did they pick a man describing himself as a “Professional Barfly” whose best physical characteristic is a plume of rainbow dyed hair sticking off the back of his balding head. Damn you, NBC! This is payback for me praising the looks of all three male contestants last week, isn’t it? Or the fact that last week’s recap was quite late? Or it has nothing to do with me whatsoever, and they just thought it would be neat to cast this human spectacle?
We’re welcomed back by Brooke Burns, wearing what has now become her Dog Eat Dog uniform of tight black clothing that reveal her rock hard abs. Maybe she has actually exhausted her clothing budget for this show and is now just rotating the five pieces she already has to create “new” outfits every week. I certainly know that they didn’t tap into the wardrobe budget in the contestant screening department this week, but perhaps it was hiring 13 people for one stunt that pushed the show over the line this time. Who are the unlucky thirteen? Why, we’ll find out later, but rest assured that they are freaks of nature, as those are the only extras hired for this particular show. We’ve already parades of bearded ladies, obese transvestites, octogenarians who used to be hot, so what more is there under the Dog Eat Dog carnival side show?
First, let’s meet this week’s contestants:
The aforementioned Troll – a “professional barfly” who is cleverly disguising his receding hairline by a new type of “comb-over” ploy. We’ve seen the “swoop” as demonstrated by former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, while he was still in office and unmarried. Fortunately for global aesthetics, Rudy’s new wife put the kibosh on the comb-over. We’ve seen the “swirl” where one long section of hair is strategically wrapped in increasingly smaller circles to cover a bald pate and sprayed into place to resemble some sort of hair-tornado. And thanks to Troll, we now have the dinosaur neck collar, a large “fin” of hair from the sides and back of the head all sprayed out straight to form a collar of hair, which Troll then personalizes by dying assorted colors of the rainbow. How, you ask, does this disguise his impending baldness? Not very well, other than for people to mutter, you fool, you’d look much better bald. That way, if Troll ever decides to cut off this catastrophe which he calls a hairstyle and go au naturale people will welcome his baldness.
Tracey Williams – a tax accountant who doesn’t look like most of the tax accountants I work with every day, but what the heck, tax accounting rules, so she’s my favorite. She’s a pretty blonde wearing a tight pink halter top which accentuates her bust, which I can only speculate were a non-tax deductible purchase as it would tough to argue they were either a “medical necessity” or “an ordinary or necessary business expense.”
Lee Guice – a nightclub owner from Biloxi, which surprised me as he looked straight out of Minesooooooooooota with a very Scandinavian look about him, replete with flowing long blonde locks which are probably transparent when wet. Unfortunately for me, Thor is not my idea of a sexy mythological creature, so Lee doesn’t really capture my fancy.
Melanie Nyema – a waitress who describes herself as deceptively shrewd, as people underestimate her cunning because they think she is sweet and innocent because she looks like Raven Simone did on The Cosby Show. Ok, I’m just guessing she meant Raven Simone, the adorable little girl brought onto the show as Sondra’s step-daughter 4 or 5 seasons in when Keisha Knight-Pullman had grown out of her initial “adorable little girl” stage on the show, but Melanie didn’t clarify and should could have meant Lisa Bonnet, in which case sweet and innocent aren’t really the right adjectives.
Eric Hackett – finally, a guy who doesn’t have a “statement” for a hairdo. Eric looks decent enough, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in a swim suit, which pretty much guarantees that he won’t be doing a water challenge.
Julie Kay Pitts – a stunning red-head who is a ballerina and dance instructor who claims her biggest fear about being on the show is donning a her bathing suit. Julie Kay, be really glad that you weren’t on the show last season when the challenges routinely involved having more opportunities to win the challenge based on how much clothing you were willing to remove to keep trying.
Next challenge, Judgment Call a new contest resembling The Price Is Right in which lucky Tracey needs to get two out of three in judging which of two novelty items are heavier. What are we weighing, Brooke?
1. 1970 Camaro, A Heavy Metal Car or a Heavy Metal Band? Yes, they are a hair band, who must have been on ice since the early 1980s as their hairspray and colorful scarves were pure 1984. Tracey has a tough time with this one and goes for the 4 guys who’d hardly tip the scales at 150 each soaking wet over a 2 ton piece of Detriot’s finest. Hmmm, I was hoping that Tracey as an accountant would do better with this challenge.
2. Now we get to see whether 4 leggy lingerie models (sporting lingerie, of course) are heavier that “over 5,000 Twinkies” which didn’t seem nearly as precise as I’d like for some reason. A more interesting challenge would have involved betting how long it would take those four human scarecrow women to eat those Twinkies, but alas, this show is not sanctioned by the International Coalition for Competitive Eating, so we’re weighing instead of gorging supermodels. Tracey correctly picks the higher mass of the Twinkies. At least I think that is what Tracey picked, but I was a little distracted because my daughter was intrigued by this part and is still wondering who gets to eat all the Twinkies, so NBC, I know those Twinks will be “good” or at least unchanged into the next millennium, if you don’t have a use for them at some future date, send them on over and my daughter can be the hit of her preschool (or her 50 year high school reunion, depending how soon you decide to unload them).
3. This last weighing challenge is straight out of my latest favorite reality TV show, Banzai!!!! Which weigh more, sumo wrestler Nori or 4 mini-wrestlers? Bet now, BET BET BET, NOW!!!! Brooke and the vertically challenged wrestlers take turns mocking the sumo wrestler’s leg slapping and foot stomping, so this show isn’t much more PC than Banzai, but no matter, our astute accountant correctly surmises that the 4 midgets weigh more than the one sumo.
Tracey gets 2 out of 3, and just like with Meatloaf, it ain’t bad. In fact, it is good enough that she sends Eric to the Dog Pound, thus ending any possibility of seeing a decent looking guy in a swimsuit this episode.
For the next challenge, there is a tie vote between Julie Kay and Lee. Norsky lookalike Lee thinks he’s made in the shade as surely his buddy Eric won’t risk taking the lone surviving male out of the competition. Hmmm, not exactly. Eric claims that he’s trying to get more “brainpower” on the Dog Pound bench and sends Lee to task. Julie Kay doesn’t know whether to be insulted or relieved, but with this challenge, she should be relieved as it is a tough one.
Lee is sent to do Glacier Run a cold water, balance and coordination test which Lee handles well despite the immediate wilt of his fluffy long hairdo’. Lee dives right in and climbs onto the first chunk of Styrofoam “glacier” gets his balance (without the assistance of puffy hair, as he now resembles a wet cat) and grabs the first flag. This continues for some time, I’m exhausted just from watching, and Lee is now bleeding from a nipple. Ewh, how did that happen, I missed it, but I’m glad I did. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really enjoy watching people bleed, certainly not in a competition for a measly $25,000. Now if Holyfield and Tyson were to wander into the ring yet again, I might stop to gawk just to see if the umpire is willing to risk a bite to protect Evander’s good ear. Lee gets all the flags and sends ballerina Julie Kay to the Dog Pound. Julie Kay glares at him, or else she’s just trying to locate the source of the blood, but it isn’t a “hey, how are YOU doin’?” type of look she’s flashing Lee as she walks across the stage and her possible prize money drops by 20 grand.
After what must have been a very long break in filming in which Lee gets all blow-dried and again has poufy long hair, we’re introduced by tonight’s first original challenge, a rip off of the memory light and sound game Simon with the Dog Eat Dog twist that if incorrect the contestant will be whipped by some catapult bungee device into the swimming pool at a really fast speed. They play a 10 note song on a 5 note keyboard and second-time challenger Tracey makes it to the sixth note before getting yanked backwards into the pool. Damn, that would be unsettling, but Tracey keeps her focus. She’s got on her game face and tries two or three more times before solving the pattern and sending Lee to the Dog Pound, preferring to face as of yet unchallenged Melanie in the Head-to-Head.
This week’s Head-to-Head challenge, The Lottory is also a new and interesting challenge involving a huge rotating cylinder full of numbered balls in which Melanie and Tracey are both tossed about like cream in a butter churn while trying to find balls corresponding to the answers of trivia questions while avoiding getting squashed in the process. Protective gear is donned, and JR is bummed. No-one looks sexy in those helmets, but that lasted a couple minutes and having no teeth left lasts a lifetime.
How many days in February of 2006? Tracey gets 28. Correct.
How many states were there on January 5, 1959? Tracey falls down. Melanie gets 49. Correct.
How many years for a silver anniversary in the US? Tracey gets 25, correct.
Mike Meyers played Steve Rubell in what movie based on a nightclub? Melanie got 54, correct.
All tied up – the next right answer wins Top Dog:
The White House appears on what denomination of currency? Tracey gets 20 and is Top Dog.
I just wanted to note that both Melanie and Tracey got all of these questions right, it was just a matter of who got the ball out of the lottery spin-canister first, which is incredibly impressive on this show. I’m guessing the Tracey will avoid asking Melanie a question if at all possible.
Trivia for Bucks
Fashion – Eric, what style of swimsuit is named after a Pacific Island where H-bombs were tested? Eric’s answer “South Pacific” um, Eric, that is a musical. The island was Bikini, something the challenge design folks at Dog Eat Dog get shown as often as possible.
Business – Julie Kay, in 1989 Joseph Hazelwood helmed what ship which dumped tons of oil into Prince William Sound. Julie Kay honestly answers she has no clue. It is of course the Exxon Valdez. The fact that Julie Kay doesn’t appear to have heard of this infamous ship even after Brook reveals the answer indicates that Tracey is choosing well. And we still have Troll left to answer a question.
Sure enough, the next topic, Television goes to Troll, as Tracey is trolling for $25,000. Does Troll have a clue that it was cast members of The Sopranos who were asked not to participate in the Columbus Day Parade by New York Mayor Bloomberg last year? Not even close. Tracey wins with a sweep of the trivia questions and Troll goes pack to harassing Billy Goats Gruff from under a bridge.
The ads indicate that two episodes of Dog Eat Dog are airing back to back on Saturday starting at 9 pm Eastern, but it appears that the episodes are repeats, so tune in if you’ve missed some. Next week Tuesday will bring a new episode of Dog Eat Dog and a new recap by yours truly. If you have any questions or comments, contact me at email@example.com m
Until next week, use appropriate back protection while lifting midgets as they are heavier than they appear, and make sure you’re always wearing a clean bikini under your clothes as you never know when you’ll be required to strip down to do a challenge in the middle of your day.