The Really Late Recap: Bugs on a Windshield
Dog Eat Dog Recap: The Really Late Recap
Welcome back, Dog Eat Dog fans, or as I’ve been referring to my regular recap readers when discussing this writing assignment with other FORT writers, the Dog Cannibalism Club. This recap is really late and I’m sorry. Fortunately for fans of the show, AnonVidcapPerson stepped up and posted vidcaps of the episode already. AVP is also sporting a nifty new avatar which is an homage to the Unknown Comic of The Gong Show from the 1970s. Ok, I’m old, AVP may have no idea who the Unknown Comic was, but he was a frequent contestant on the Gong Show who would tell lame jokes and regularly have to be forced off stage by a hook or a net when failing to leave after being gonged. That show was hilarious, and if I were in charge of programming re-runs of the old Gong Show would air every night and Dog Eat Dog would never have to compete with Big Brother, American Juniors, and the other reality TV shows currently airing in the same time slot. Enough chit chat, time for the recap.
This week Brooke was sporting something tight, black, and Gothic. What a shocker. I do like that lacy black camisole she was wearing though. I wonder what would happen if I wore something like that to work.
Meet this week’s contestants:
Sarah Kruger is a self-proclaimed brain who sported a black sports bra and a 4.0 GPA in high school. Me too Sarah, I like that. Smart, and a perfectionist. You wouldn’t believe how much time I had to spend practicing my typing skills to make sure I could type 60 words a minute with 1 or less errors in order to get an “A” in typing in order to maintain that perfect grade point average. Best class I ever took in high school, though, as I use my typing skills every single day. Trigonometry somehow doesn’t make it into my everyday life.
Jamaal Knight looks like he may be this week’s hottie guy. Jamaal looks fabulous in his deep red Morehouse T-shirt. Honestly, I didn’t hear anything he said in his intro, as I was fixated by his radiant smile, well that, and trying to quickly jot down the correct spelling of Jamaal.
Nicole Farrano has a blue tank top and streaky hair (that is a trend, isn’t it?) and describes her job as a ‘funding assistant.’ I’m not sure what a ‘funding assistant’ does, but Nicole, if you can help fund my mortgage payment, send me an email and I’ll get you my address. We don’t get to see Nicole’s tattoo of the sun across her lower back until she’s changing into her bikini for a water challenge, but when it is revealed we get a good long glimpse of it, as both the cameraman and the producer are fans of her tattoo to warrant such a long, lingering shot of it.
Matt Marcheschi is this week’s “Italian Guy” and he’s wearing a black sleeveless t-shirt, nice features, tall and lanky. Is it just me, or do they seem to have a guy with an Italian last name almost every week. Not that I mind. Heck, I’ve got Italian in the mix. My Dad has described my ethnicity as “A Dog From Every Town in Western Europe.” Yup, a Mutt for a Dog Eat Dog recapper, go figure. Between Nicole and Matt, we’ve got the last names ending with a vowel completely covered this week. Matt looks good too. The female viewers are in luck this week. Hey Matt, how YOU doin?
Rose Hyland is a florist who is sporting a teal green t-shirt and speaks with a Southern drawl. I’m wondering what plants Rose has sprouting in her backyard garden, because once she starts talking, I begin to wonder if her horticultural specialty is the “wacky weed.” I could be way off here, folks, but I just wondered if a Rose by any other name would have sounded so baked?
Sean Ellis is a Dave Foley (formerly of NewRadio and The Kids in the Hall) lookalike, cute cherub of a house-husband who wants to spend the money fruitlessly. I take it house-husbanding is lucrative for Sean, as he teases his competitors for wanting to win the money so that they can pay their bills. Yeah, poke fun at people trying to make ends meet. We know that you’re the guy getting called off the trampoline next to the pool to go inside and give your sugar-momma a foot massage.
Ok, I’ll admit it. Sean is a cutey pie too, so we’ve now officially got 3 hunky guys this week. No biker guys, no Goths, just a full platter of yummy men. This is the episode I’ve been waiting for all season.
Over or Under On with the action. This week’s first challenge is a new one involving a huge cylinder in the pool with a cargo net tied around it. The unlikely contestant needs to hang onto the net to make it to the top of the cylinder, then try to stand up and get their balance to take a jump at some flags suspended above the cylinder. It looks tough, and Nicole is not up to the challenge. Nicole is wearing a cute black bikini and JR is hoping that one of the flappy ties for the bikini will get caught in the cargo net, resulting in a tragic loss of attire, but it wasn’t to be. For the first time in 2 seasons, waterlogged and exhausted Nicole gives up with time still remaining on the Net-Zero timer. I don’t blame her. That challenge looked sucky. Nicole’s knees were all skinned up and bleeding. Hey NBC, this isn’t celebrity boxing, I don’t want to see blood. Let’s hope they revamp it some if they decide to bring it back.
Ring Swing Time to pick someone to swing from ring to ring. Who should they pick, a tall lanky guy with long arms and some upper body strength, or someone else? Ok, not voting very logically, they pick Matt. I think he’s got it in the bag unless he accidentally snags one of his rather large ears in a ring and gets caught up. I’m teasing. I’m a teaser like that. Matt, you know I dig you. Don’t send me hate mail, like some of our other Dog Eat Dog contestants from this season *cough,pissycheerleaderswhodon ’tresembleBarbie,cough* Matt keeps his composure after losing momentum twice in the challenge. Brooke admires “Monkey Matt’s” long arms. Matt sends Jamaal to the Dog Pound. Hey, I wanted to see Jamaal do a challenge. Dammit, there goes that opportunity.
A Good Man Is Hard To Find I can’t see that challenge title without snickering, “a hard man is good to find” which was actually the advertising slogan for a gym a couple years back. The challenge involving picking out the “real” man from a panel of male impersonators. I see the panel and immediately rule out all of the “guys” with facial hair, as it all looks painted on. Matt gets picked to try this challenge, as it seems Sean has it in for him, describes Matt as “A total package . . of goofball” and has picked Matt for all of the challenges so far, and now others are following suit. If the panel of contestants were thinking about what challenge would stump Matt, this is a more reasonable choice than the ring swing. And they’re right. Poor Matt doesn’t have a clue. He ends up picking a lonesome cowboy type, when it is really the taped glasses, pocket protector bulging with pens guy. Matt, the tip-off was nerd-boy’s shirt, pulled way up over his Adam’s apple. Nerd-boy was my pick for “real man” but then again, I dated this very same guy I think when I was in high school. He was all nerd, but all man. That is a tough challenge, often more a matter of chance than skill, and Matt is packing for the Dog Pound without having the satisfaction of seeing smack-talker Sean head to the pound.
Leap of Faith I thought this would be the same challenge that Sik-End successfully completed a couple weeks ago, leaping off a tower to grab flags and fall into the pool while answering trivia questions. But no, this is a different challenge. One that does not involve wearing a swim suit. Who does our panel select to perform this challenge? Why it’s Sarah, a beautiful girl whom JR would love to see donning a bikini. Smart-ass Sean just made JR’s shit list. In this version of Leap of Faith, Sarah puts on safety harnesses and needs to jump off the tower and essentially bungee jump down onto a target, trying to touch her feet on goals totally up to 50 points in three tries. Sarah looks like she’s about to lose her lunch, but scores 30 points on the first jump. Now we’re at a point of division, strategically, as she can either use her next two tries going for the large and easy 10 point target, or she can try to get either 20 or 30 in her next attempt, but need to get either 20 or 30 in her final try if she misses. Sarah goes for the gold (and attempts to limit her leaps off the high dive to two) by going for 30 points in her second jump, and gets it. She gleefully sends Sean packing for the Dog Pound. We only got to see 1 of the 3 hot guys attempt challenges this week, but I’m not bitter because I like Sarah and I like her answer as to why she’s keeping Rose around: “I don’t think this game comes down to two women often enough.” Amen to that, Sarah, and JR thanks you, as the final challenge almost always involves water.
Head to Head: Bugs on a Windshield This is a new head to head challenge, and, it was just weird. NBC likely paid Sarah a bonus for picking Rose to go against. Why? Because this challenge involved having both women get in bikinis and lie face down on a Plexiglas panel that is then raised and soaked with cold water while they cling on for dear life for as long as possible, or at least until the other competitor slips off of lets go. While squashed up against the glass, the girl’s boobs look like they’re undergoing a new type of mammogram, totally spread out against the glass. Yes, you can tell how cold the water is from this view. Ouch. The glass also does rather unflattering things to their noses, but JR certainly wasn’t watching their noses. Rose is in the zone, eyes closed, completely motionless, she continues to hang on, like a sticky bug that won’t budge no matter how much wiper spray you squirt at her. Sarah is floundering. She tries to adjust her grip, and ooooops, off she slides. Rose is the Top Dog tonight. To celebrate, Rose does a dance reminiscent of Richard Hatch’s girly fire dance from the first season of Survivor. Either that, or Elaine Bennis’ kicky dance on Seinfeld, but either way, I doubt it will be a dance craze sweeping the nation anytime real soon. Rose has makeup in her eyes. Shivering Sarah is sent to the Dog Pound where she leaps onto the bench in between Jamaal and Matt, who offer to warm her up. Good call, Sarah. Time for Trivia.
Trivia for Bucks
Top Dog Rose continues to amaze me with her spaceyness. Let’s see how well she knows her competitors.
Music Nicole, do you know which Motown Legend, whose hits include Sexual Healing and Let’s Get it On, was shot by his father in 1984? Why yes, Nicole knows that it was Marvin Gaye. I can remember when it happened. Very tragic, incredible voice. Dog Pound gets a point. And when I get this feeling, I need . . .to keep recapping . . .
Animals Matt, out of all the contestants, Rose thinks you are least likely to have any animals, except maybe a fish. Does Matt know which type of animal Dolly, the first successfully cloned mammal is? Yes indeed, Matt knows Dolly is a sheep. Two points for the Dog Pound.
Famous People Sarah, who is the heir apparent to the British Throne? I have no clue what Sarah answered, as I was moving laundry (sorry gang, real life sometimes interrupts), but she got it wrong. How is that possible, Sarah of the 4.0 GPA? I don’t have a clue, as it is obviously Prince Charles. No matter, this way we’ll get a chance to see at least one of the guys who never got to do a challenge be on TV for at least one minute of “fame.”
Food & Drink Jamaal, what is a vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry flavor of ice cream which shares its name with the citizens of an Italian city? Jamaal knows it’s Neapolitan ice cream, which I adore. In fact, one time two friends and I went to a Halloween party dressed as Neapolitan ice cream. Dressed head to toe in pink, I was strawberry, and my friends were chocolate and vanilla. Well, right up until vanilla bailed for the night, and chocolate disappeared somewhere with some guy in a wolf costume, and then I was just pink girl. No matter. That’s three points. The Dog Pound wins. As the camera pans away, Brooke is still explaining to Rose that she didn’t win anything.
Join us next week for another exciting episode of Dog Eat Dog. If you have comments, questions, or are a contestant wanting an interview, email me at email@example.com m My email hasn’t changed even though I “shortened up” my official login name to LG.