Dog Eat Dog – Beware of Inclement Weather Phenomena
We’re welcomed back by fetching Brooke Burns in a lacy black camisole with bare midriff. She’s sporting black and grey striped pants, bell bottom-y with draw strings. Who are this week’s victims, er contestants?
Deena Holland, Tax Consultant from Torrance, CA. Speed is her weapon. Drab green tank top, very nice cheekbones and beautiful long black hair.
Julia Hughes, Carpenter from Grove City, Ohio. Afraid to look stupid on camera. Pink, plush, low cut long sleeved sweat suit. She is a vision in pink.
Marc Brett, Business Owner from Brooklyn, NY. Sees others as jokes. Wearing blue t-shirt with iron-on star pattern and the sleeves cut off at an odd angle. He’s very cocky and confident, which is quite rare in contestants from Brooklyn . . . ok, it’s not.
Constantine Williams, College Student from Alhambra, CA. Obligatory beefcake, he doesn’t know who Lee Harvey Oswald was and seems rather proud of that. Wearing a red muscle shirt with a black image of a snake on it.
Diana Jellinex, English Teacher from Fort Collins, CO. Wants to “Zen” this contest. Peach colored tank top, sort of clashes with her dyed auburn hair. She’s tall and strong, this week’s “best hope” for the ladies.
Thunder Parley, Software Engineer from Windsor Locke, CT. Others will be “stunned” and not want to remember what happened to them. Camo t-shirt, crew cut hair. Post Traumatic Stress counselors are on call for Thunder’s unsuspecting competition.
Yup, the gangs all here, so let’s get to the stunts:
Bungee Ring Drop – Deena gets picked. Constantine said he voted for Deena because he wanted to see her in a bikini. JR writes Constantine a thank-you note. I mentioned in a prior recap that this season the contestants do not go backstage to change into swimwear, but instead do it center stage. This week for the first time Brooke asks the audience to cheer for Deena while she strips her clothes to reveal a skimpy light brown bikini. I’m guessing this new “cheer for stripping” feature was added because not quite enough viewers noticed that the contestants were stripping, and by all means, we need to capitalize on that. In this challenge, which looks like fun to me, she is propelled out of the water with a bungee cord towards a series of rings. She must grab four of them to complete the challenge, and has three tries to get them. Deena is pulled below the water to start the jump. She gets one ring in each of her first two attempts, but was unable to get the required two with her final attempt. She made a good effort, as she did get 3 rings, but alas, Deena is sent to the Dog Pound.
Find the Bearded Lady – Quick, check the TV Guide, as I think I’m accidentally recapping Fear Factor. Marc gets picked by his peers, hoping that this is a challenge he will fail (with plenty of compliments about his skills in the physical challenges). Yeah, yeah, Marc, I’m voting for you because you’re a threat. Please don’t hold it against me and send me to the Pound if you happen to luck your way out of this one, as it’s a hairy one. Marc sees the bearded people, and is stumped. I hate facial hair. I really do. I hate it on men. I’ve talked people I know only casually into shaving their attempts at goatees. Marc stammers and picks some homely guy, but it was his second choice that was the actual woman, so Marc heads off to the Dog Pound and I’m going to wash my eyes out with bleach. Ack, that’s terrible. Someone please give these people a razor, all of them including scruffy Marc, not just the homely woman who looked like a less attractive John Lennon. Poor thing. At least she’s making a living on this, so it seems. If not, why dear lady, why don’t you shave that shit off your face?!?!?!? I will never understand the appeal of facial hair.
Collapsing Bridge – Diana gets picked and talks trash, as she says “if I could pick any stunt to do, it would be this one.” That’s pretty big talk, but as an experienced Dog Eat Dog viewer, I think her chances are good as I saw a female contestant beat this challenge a couple episodes ago. This always reminds me of the Indiana Jones movie stunt where the rope bridge collapses, only she needs to grab flags out of cylinders in a hurry to prevent a drop. She almost fell on three of four of the cylinders but did complete the challenge. It was quite impressive, as she pulled herself up from a collapse by her bootstraps. Diana send Julia to the Dog Pound for voting for her. Diana does Fort Collins, CO proud. Hey, isn’t that where Ryan from The Bachelorette is from? Sounds like a hotbed of reality tv show contestants, eh Paulie and Wayner.
Stilleto Heels Catwalk - Brooke is tired of being surrounded by sub-par looking people, so she brings a runway model named Gwendolyn to demonstrate walking a runway line in 6 inch heels. Diana and Thunder both vote for Constantine, who makes it part way across the balance beam suspended above the pool, but he loses his balance and take a dive half way across. He gets a second attempt, but alas doesn’t make it any further across, and looks very girly waving his hands about trying to maintain his balance. And, he loses his slippers. Poor Cinderella, er, Constantine. Oh, why bother trying to correct it, as with his shaky grasp of history and literature he wouldn’t know the difference between the two anyway.
Head to Head Challenge. Thunder and Diana – traditionally I’d pull for Diana as she completed a challenge and Thunder has made it to the finals without yet facing a challenge. Diana has a cute blue one piece swim suit, but one piece, that’s not Dog Eat Dog standard apparel. JR is filing a compliant with NBC’s website as we speak. Thunder is wearing long, odd iron cross print trunks. Is it just me, or are the guys’ swim trunks getting longer and longer every episode? Soon they’ll be doing the water challenges in Capri pants.
Brooke explains the Down the Tubes (of Water) challenge and asks if they have any questions. Thunder asks Brooke “How does it feel to be this close to an almost naked Thunder?” Thinking that Thunder is all noise and no lightening (action) thus far, Brooke responds, “it’s not as exciting as you may think, as you haven’t really showed me anything yet with the challenges.” Oooh, harsh. Ah, Thunder, we feel for you buddy, but really why go there? Regular readers of my recaps know that Brooke digs Goth guys – you’re not getting anywhere without some funky jewelry or bondage wear. Somehow I doubt this is the first time Thunder’s been shot down by a beautiful woman, as he shakes it off. Ego bruised, they head into parallel Plexiglas tubes to walk through a water spray to try to retrieve rings that they need to put into underwater baskets. Both Diana and Thunder get blown back for the force of the water at least once, but Thunder walks away with the Top Dog designation. Final comments on the challenge, Thunder remarks that the hose “polished his marbles” in his first attempt. Thanks for that visual. Better Thunder than “The Clap” I guess, eh bud.
Trivia for the Cash
Thunder is the Top Dog. Let’s see how well he knows the other contestants’ strengths and weaknesses for the trivia challenge:
Movies – picks Constantine, as he got a lot of trivia questions wrong. Which Academy Award Winner for The Fugitive was Al Gore’s college roommate at Harvard? Constantine thinks he knows it for sure, thanks his subscription to Entertainment Weekly magazine, and starts cheering as he yells, you guessed it, Harrison Ford. In fact, most of the Dog Pound starts cheering. Idiots, it’s Tommy Lee Jones.
I’m laughing so hard I almost miss the next question.
Business – picks Deena, as Thunder is afraid of Marc, thinks he’s too smart. With more than 1 millions carats in reserves, which company is the largest diamond miner and marketer in the world. Her answer, Robins Brothers, was based on the engagement ring she gave back. The answer, of course is: DeBeers. Ok, who else can hear the theme song and see shadow people dancing around from the diamond ads. That is DeBeers.
Dog Pound - 0
Politics – picks Julia. What congressman who admitted to an affair with intern Chandra Levy, failed to win re-election in 2002 in California? Long pause as she thinks, and comes up with her answer “Ebhart” which is nowhere near Gary Condit. I’m glad Julia didn’t thank her subscription to Newsweek for her answer, as it was just plain embarrassing.
Thunder wisely stayed away from the “smarter” Dog Pound members Marc and Diana and takes the $25,000 prize. Thunder rolls (to victory 3-0), the lightening strikes, and Garth Brooks is still a slimey slug.
The ad for next week promises 6 NFL cheerleaders as contestants. Thankfully a female Top Dog is guaranteed, as there are precious few of them on this show. Until next week, be sure you change out of wet swimsuits promptly to avoid an uncomfortable yeast. If you have any questions or comments for the recapper, contact me at email@example.com om