Going to the Dogs
Dog Eat Dog Recap June 10, 2003
I’m back, fans of Dog Eat Dog (and you lurking contestants, I know you’re out there). Thanks to Cali for covering the recap last week when my local NBC affiliate decided to air a televangelist instead of DED. I’d thought about writing a fictional recap as if Jimmy Swaggart and Tammy Faye Bakker, etc. had been the DED contestants, but this show hasn’t done nearly enough crazy stunts to compare with what that crowd is usually up to. We’re joined by Brooke hopping about on Styrofoam “ice blocks” floating in the set’s pool, with a promise that “someone will be walking on thin ice” tonight. Gotta love NBC, as they’ll do whatever it takes to get Brooke into a swimsuit every single episode. Don’t tune in late or you’ll miss out.
Nicole Oring – Pre-med student, Northridge, CA. As a matter of pride, vows to do whatever it takes to win. Nicole is wearing a tight red halter top, looks a little like Lucy Lui in Charlie’s Angles.
Michael Piscitelli – Video Editor, Brockton, MA. Mikey thinks he’s being underestimated in the “boot camp” segment of the show. Plain gray t-shirt, just tight enough to show some pectorals, but who can notice with that shaggy black hair winging all around, some remnant from the late 1970s. My prediction is that our vidcap of Michael will catch him with his mouth wide open, as he was flapping his gums the whole time.
Ali Pomerantz – Wedding Singer, Tarzana, CA. Good thing she’s not a lumberjack, because Ali just about didn’t survive the log climbing portion of the boot camp. I’m not really sure how anyone really makes a living singing at weddings, but if it involves Culture Club cover hits like Adam Sandler did in the Wedding Singer movie, I hope Ali doesn’t get a chance to show off her talents. She’s wearing a skin-tight blue halter top.
George Roberson – Personal Trainer, Pittsburgh, PA. Has a Superman tattoo on his chest. “Torn” red t-shirt, typical meathead workout clothes. Shaved head, with just enough stubble so you know that his natural hairline has beat a hasty retreat behind his ears, so he’s a big fan of the shaved head hairstyle who will be really pissed with mile high ‘fros are all the rage for sexy young thangs. George is a fine looking specimen.
Jill Montgomery – Fitness Model, Billings, MT. Wants to whip a guy’s butt on national TV. Jill is wearing a purple halter top, how original. She reminds me of Jane Krakowski, Ally McBeal’s secretary. Big talker about her physical prowess.
Andrew Hahn – Software Developer, Studio City, CA. Will do anything short of cheating to win. Land’s End Dark Navy Heather v-neck short sleeve Super T, available for $12 ($19 for long) at www.landsend.com
Glacier Run – I love a new challenge. This one involves climbing across floating objects and make your way across the pool and gather flags. George gets picked. His competitors think that black men can’t swim. He has 3 minutes to grab 8 flags suspected over the pond. Water glistening over his ripped abs, George looks good wet, but can’t get his balance and doesn’t complete the challenge. Sending us off to commercial, Brooke once again points off that “somebody has to do the next challenge, and it’s not going to be me”. Jeff Probst, take notes: You don’t have to do the challenges yourself. That’s called hosting a show, folks.
Crate Drop – climb nets, grab flags, and send crates crashing to the floor. Nicole says before the break “I really don’t want to do that” so of course her competitors pick her to do it. Show staff assure careful placement of the safety harnesses to not snag her many assorted navel jewelry bangles. Nicole talks a big game about climbing things at Camp Pendleton, but that’s another story. Nicole did pretty well in the start, but got tired and did not complete the challenge. Brooke called her “Tinkerbell” as she floated about the studio as was suspended by these straps. Note – attractive woman did a challenge that did not involve donning a bikini. NBC network execs not happy.
George and Nicole, both looking quite spiffy, get cozy in the Dog Pound. Hey, that is where it’s at on this show. They talk a lot of trash during the filming, but once they’re in the Dog Pound, it’s a love fest. All that is missing some booze and NBC can convert this show into a reality TV dating/ relationship show that are all the rage this season.
Name the Celebrities - Contestant must identify morphed pictures of celebrities. This is a challenge that I could complete. Jill gets picked by all three of her remaining competitors. Sample with Brooke’s picture, not a good start as Jill has no clue. Jill has a good cover (after the fact) with “I thought it was Faith Hill” which Brooke takes as a compliment (or at least says she does). Jill misses Sarah Jessica Parker, which is understandable as I wouldn’t have thought they’d be able to make her beaklike nose any more unappealing, yet they did. Next up Mel Gibson, which Jill guesses correctly. Will Smith, Lucy Lui, Harrison Ford, and Oprah Winfrey, Jill runs the table after the initial miscue and wins the challenge. She sends Andrew to the Dog Pound and we never do get to see if sweat beads will stick to or drip from his silly little soul patch beard.
Out On A Limb – the oft-used challenge from last year that I referred to as “the eggbeater” with this metal cage with 4 long walkways which spins around with strong centrifugal force while the poor sap inside tries to grab flags inside. Only really big, strong people can win with this challenge. Ali gets picked, as Michael wants to go up against Jill. Sporting some serious nipplage, Ali gets geared up and confides she’s scared to death of this challenge and is thankful that the safety gear is waterproof, as she’s somewhat concerned about peeing herself on national TV. The NBC folks probably edited that part in later after realizing that now there have been two female contestants doing challenges which did not require a bikini. What were those wacky producers thinking this week?!?!?! Ali’s way to light to fight against the G-forces in that contraption, and she’s pretty much just stuck in a corner, ready to hurl. By the time the eggbeater stops, Ali is lying in a corner trying to breathe. She’s heading to the Dog Pound, with a huge bruise on her shoulder, and a little less of a chip.
Raise the Buoy, Head to Head Challenge. Swim down to unlock buoys. Finally, we get to see Jill in a blue bikini. J.R. didn’t tune in for nothing, thankfully. Michael is wearing black swim trunks with gray piped stripe down the side, looking like something my brother wore in 1978. Michael is very fast out of the gates. Both competitors have long hair getting in their faces. Haven’t these people every heard of a pony tail? Michael is seriously looking like a young Pacino, maybe Godfather era. For some reason the audience hates him. Oh yeah, it’s because he’s a jerk.
Michael wins the buoy challenge and is Top Dog. Hairy chest, saggy stomach, a treasure trail that Madonna would be proud of. Michael, join us in the 21st century and do some stomach crunches, buddy. The audience really does not like Mike, and once he puts on a ridiculous red banana over his wet, greasy hair, I’m with them wholeheartedly.
Music – Nicole doesn’t know Ozzy Ozbourne’s band named after Boris Karloff film, was Black Sabbath and guesses “Dracula”. That’s just silly, Nicole. 1 point Mike
Movies – Andrew. What law school does Reese Witherspoon attend in Legally Blonde? Andrew correctly answers Harvard, and then to dispel and internet rumors to the contrary, Andy proves he is really dumb (and his correct answer was a fluke) by saying it was the only law school he’s ever heard of. Boy, I’m so sad we didn’t get to see more of Andy.
Business – George. Mikey thinks George don’t know diddley squat about business. In 2002, which parent company of MCI filed the biggest bankruptcy in history? It’s WorldCom, George knows it. And, he doesn’t say anything too stupid immediately thereafter. He can’t swim for crap, but George didn’t blow the trivia question. George Rules. Dog Pound up, 2 to 1.
Famous People – Ali. What member of the Gambino crime family died in prison while serving a life term. Ali knows it’s John Gotti. The DOG POUND WINS. Michael gets nothing.
Tune in next week when we see more of the same silly stunts and skimpy outfits. Hopefully we’ll have vidcaps up later this week. If you have any questions or comments for the author, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org m